It's just a Joke!

clementine · 29th September 2007, 12:47 PM

Ol?, G'day

,

Just a quicky:

Two fishing mates are quietly sitting in a boat on the waters of an inlet of the Darling river near Bourke, fishing & drinking beer.

. Almost silently so as not to scare the fish away.
Eric says," I think I'm going to divorce my wife- she hasn't spoken to me in over 5 months."

Sean continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, " You'd better think it over mate, women like that are hard to find."

JayD · 29th September 2007, 02:14 PM

Hi Clementine,
I got a chuckle out of it, and it passed on the run it by the wife test,
She just pulled the face

.

All The Best
JayD

Quintrex · 30th September 2007, 04:11 AM

Ha ha ha, love it!

2 old blokes sitting in a boat fishing one day when a funeral procession drives over a nearby bridge. One of the old boys stands up, takes off his hat and bows his head, then sits back down in the boat after it's passed.
His mate says "that was very respectful of you"
He replies " Well, I WAS married to her for 42 years"

Quintrex · 30th September 2007, 04:18 AM

You've started me now!
Wife standing naked in front of the mirror, to husband " I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment"
Husband " Your eyesight's perfect"

clementine · 30th September 2007, 12:41 PM

Couple a crackers there Quintrex

After two visits to my Doctor and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 84?"
He asked,
"Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no!" I said, "and I'm not doing any drugs either."
Then he asked,
"Do you eat rump steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said,
"No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
He asked,
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked,
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then, why the hell do you want to live to be 84?"

Ekka · 1st October 2007, 12:44 AM

That was great, had a darn good laugh.

pomme · 2nd October 2007, 03:39 PM

a convict breaks into a house, ties the husband and wife up. he jumps on the wife and kisses her ear then runs into the bathroom. the husband whispers to his wife "satisfy him or he ll kill us both, is saw the way he kissed you just be strong i love you"
the wife replies " he didn t kiss me he whispered in my ear he s gay, horny and looking for vaseline. i told him its in the bathroom. lets see who s fu**ing strong now!"

pomme · 2nd October 2007, 03:45 PM

ten things men know about women
1 they have a vagina
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10 oh and tits

Ekka · 4th October 2007, 11:27 PM

NEW SOUTH WALES POLICE FORCE ? MEDIA RELEASE

POLICE WARNING

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called ?Beer? to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps, and in large ?kegs?. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade her target to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for "no strings attached" sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened feeling that ?something bad? occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life?s savings in a familiar scam known as ?A Relationship?.

It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as ?Marriage?. Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you just look up ?Golf Courses?? in the yellow pages.

Quintrex · 4th October 2007, 11:58 PM

Pissed meself laughing at that one.

I may have been a victim in a previous life!
______________________________________________________________________

Man on deathbed with mysterious illness, speaking to his wife "Darling, I have confession to make"
Wife " shush, don't worry about it now"
Husband " I have to tell you, I was unfaithful to you"
Wife " Never mind that now"
Husband " It was with your sister, for years "
Wife " I know dear, that's why I poisoned you "

Quintrex · 5th October 2007, 12:05 AM

Another poor buggar on the deathbed, this bloke a farmer, saying his last words to his wife;
Beryl, you were with me all through the biggest drought in history. then we we lost everything in the big fires of '66, you were there.
When we got on our feet again and then foot and mouth killed all the stock, there you were.
Beryl,I reckon you're bloody bad luck!

clementine · 5th October 2007, 05:18 AM

Great stuff Eric!

Three of the smartest male engineering students at Brisbane university were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the female human body.
One said “it was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all of the joints and the skeleton.” Another said “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has millions of circuits and electrical connections.”
The last said “Actually it must have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipe through a recreational area?”

Ekka · 5th October 2007, 06:08 AM

Scoop, check out the test ya gotta pass, piss easy!

Quote:

Australian Citizenship Test

1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term 'died in the arse'?

2. What is a "bloody little beauty"?

3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?

4. Explain the following passage: 'In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo.'

5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?

6. Complete the following sentences:
a) 'If the van's rockin' don't bother ?
b) You're going home in the back of a ?
c) Fair crack of the ?

7. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss

8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?

9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard 'up on blocks'? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?

10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?

11. What are the ingredients in a rissole?

12. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.

13. Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke?

14. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice?

15. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?

16. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter 'b' is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?

17. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?

18. Is it possible to 'prang a car' while doing 'circle work'?

19. Who would you like to crack on to?

20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin 'Bloody' Wilson, John 'True Blue' Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?

21. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?

22. What does "sinkin piss at a mates joint" and "getten para" mean?

clementine · 5th October 2007, 02:07 PM

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.

Karl said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying
chickens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on
the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the
eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Emilie raised her hand and said,
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is:
''Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Emilie."
" Mick, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Cheryl. Aunty Cheryl
was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got
hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3
bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then
she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed
seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did
your father teach you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the F*** away from Aunty Cheryl when she's been on the piss."
_________________

Ekka · 5th October 2007, 02:37 PM

LOL, Aunty Cheryl is one tough gal!

Quintrex · 5th October 2007, 02:45 PM

A class of 10 year olds were asked by the teacher to use, in a sentence, a new word every day. Today's word is CONTAGIOUS.
Roger, the teachers pet, stood up and said 'when I had the flu last month, my mum said I can't go to school because flu is CONTAGIOUS and some one else may catch it from me.'
Teacher; 'That's very good Roger.'
Next, little Emma stood up and said " I had measles and the doctor said it was CONTAGIOUS"
Teacher " Well done Emma"
Next, little Irish Sean stood up and said "the man next door is painting his whole house with a 2" brush and my Dad said it will take the CONTAGIOUS"

THE TEACHER FAINTED!

29th September 2007, 12:47 PM	#1 (permalink)
clementine Afterburner is shakin' Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Central Portugal Posts: 252	It's just a Joke! Ol?, G'day, Just a quicky: Two fishing mates are quietly sitting in a boat on the waters of an inlet of the Darling river near Bourke, fishing & drinking beer.. Almost silently so as not to scare the fish away. Eric says," I think I'm going to divorce my wife- she hasn't spoken to me in over 5 months." Sean continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, " You'd better think it over mate, women like that are hard to find." __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken! Builder in Central Portugal

29th September 2007, 02:14 PM	#2 (permalink)
JayD Astronaut Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 821	Re: It's just a Joke! Hi Clementine, I got a chuckle out of it, and it passed on the run it by the wife test, She just pulled the face. All The Best JayD __________________ Free Tree and Green Industry Link Directory

30th September 2007, 04:11 AM	#3 (permalink)
Quintrex Afterburner is shakin' Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 414	Re: It's just a Joke! Ha ha ha, love it! 2 old blokes sitting in a boat fishing one day when a funeral procession drives over a nearby bridge. One of the old boys stands up, takes off his hat and bows his head, then sits back down in the boat after it's passed. His mate says "that was very respectful of you" He replies " Well, I WAS married to her for 42 years"

30th September 2007, 04:18 AM	#4 (permalink)
Quintrex Afterburner is shakin' Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 414	Re: It's just a Joke! You've started me now! Wife standing naked in front of the mirror, to husband " I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment" Husband " Your eyesight's perfect"

30th September 2007, 12:41 PM	#5 (permalink)
clementine Afterburner is shakin' Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Central Portugal Posts: 252	Re: It's just a Joke! Couple a crackers there Quintrex After two visits to my Doctor and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 84?" He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no!" I said, "and I'm not doing any drugs either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rump steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!" He asked, "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said. He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then, why the hell do you want to live to be 84?" __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken! Builder in Central Portugal

1st October 2007, 12:44 AM	#6 (permalink)
Ekka Eric Frei Administrator - Brisbane L5 (Dip) Hort Cert III Arb + some Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Brisbane Posts: 5,673	Re: It's just a Joke! That was great, had a darn good laugh. __________________ Remember to use the "search" function, if you have answers/questions post them so everyone can benefit. Free Tree and Green Industry Link Directory Qualified Brisbane Tree Lopping Brisbane Tree Care, Consultations and Arborist Reports Forum Sponsors

2nd October 2007, 03:39 PM	#7 (permalink)
pomme Fly'n Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: england Posts: 206	Re: It's just a Joke! a convict breaks into a house, ties the husband and wife up. he jumps on the wife and kisses her ear then runs into the bathroom. the husband whispers to his wife "satisfy him or he ll kill us both, is saw the way he kissed you just be strong i love you" the wife replies " he didn t kiss me he whispered in my ear he s gay, horny and looking for vaseline. i told him its in the bathroom. lets see who s fu**ing strong now!"

2nd October 2007, 03:45 PM	#8 (permalink)
pomme Fly'n Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: england Posts: 206	Re: It's just a Joke! ten things men know about women 1 they have a vagina 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 oh and tits

4th October 2007, 11:27 PM	#9 (permalink)
Ekka Eric Frei Administrator - Brisbane L5 (Dip) Hort Cert III Arb + some Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Brisbane Posts: 5,673	Re: It's just a Joke! NEW SOUTH WALES POLICE FORCE ? MEDIA RELEASE POLICE WARNING Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called ?Beer? to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps, and in large ?kegs?. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade her target to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for "no strings attached" sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened feeling that ?something bad? occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life?s savings in a familiar scam known as ?A Relationship?. It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as ?Marriage?. Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you just look up ?Golf Courses?? in the yellow pages. __________________ Remember to use the "search" function, if you have answers/questions post them so everyone can benefit. Free Tree and Green Industry Link Directory Qualified Brisbane Tree Lopping Brisbane Tree Care, Consultations and Arborist Reports Forum Sponsors

4th October 2007, 11:58 PM	#10 (permalink)
Quintrex Afterburner is shakin' Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 414	Re: It's just a Joke! Pissed meself laughing at that one. I may have been a victim in a previous life! ______________________________________________________________________ Man on deathbed with mysterious illness, speaking to his wife "Darling, I have confession to make" Wife " shush, don't worry about it now" Husband " I have to tell you, I was unfaithful to you" Wife " Never mind that now" Husband " It was with your sister, for years " Wife " I know dear, that's why I poisoned you "

5th October 2007, 12:05 AM	#11 (permalink)
Quintrex Afterburner is shakin' Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 414	Re: It's just a Joke! Another poor buggar on the deathbed, this bloke a farmer, saying his last words to his wife; Beryl, you were with me all through the biggest drought in history. then we we lost everything in the big fires of '66, you were there. When we got on our feet again and then foot and mouth killed all the stock, there you were. Beryl,I reckon you're bloody bad luck!

5th October 2007, 05:18 AM	#12 (permalink)
clementine Afterburner is shakin' Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Central Portugal Posts: 252	Re: It's just a Joke! Great stuff Eric! Three of the smartest male engineering students at Brisbane university were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the female human body. One said “it was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all of the joints and the skeleton.” Another said “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has millions of circuits and electrical connections.” The last said “Actually it must have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipe through a recreational area?” __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken! Builder in Central Portugal

5th October 2007, 02:07 PM	#14 (permalink)
clementine Afterburner is shakin' Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Central Portugal Posts: 252	Re: It's just a Joke! A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Karl said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chickens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. Next little Emilie raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is: ''Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'." "That was a fine story Emilie." " Mick, do you have a story to share?" "Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Cheryl. Aunty Cheryl was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your father teach you from that horrible story?" "Stay the F*** away from Aunty Cheryl when she's been on the piss." _________________ __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken! Builder in Central Portugal

5th October 2007, 02:37 PM	#15 (permalink)
Ekka Eric Frei Administrator - Brisbane L5 (Dip) Hort Cert III Arb + some Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Brisbane Posts: 5,673	Re: It's just a Joke! LOL, Aunty Cheryl is one tough gal! __________________ Remember to use the "search" function, if you have answers/questions post them so everyone can benefit. Free Tree and Green Industry Link Directory Qualified Brisbane Tree Lopping Brisbane Tree Care, Consultations and Arborist Reports Forum Sponsors

5th October 2007, 02:45 PM	#16 (permalink)
Quintrex Afterburner is shakin' Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 414	Re: It's just a Joke! A class of 10 year olds were asked by the teacher to use, in a sentence, a new word every day. Today's word is CONTAGIOUS. Roger, the teachers pet, stood up and said 'when I had the flu last month, my mum said I can't go to school because flu is CONTAGIOUS and some one else may catch it from me.' Teacher; 'That's very good Roger.' Next, little Emma stood up and said " I had measles and the doctor said it was CONTAGIOUS" Teacher " Well done Emma" Next, little Irish Sean stood up and said "the man next door is painting his whole house with a 2" brush and my Dad said it will take the CONTAGIOUS" THE TEACHER FAINTED!

5th October 2007, 03:25 PM	#17 (permalink)
Ekka Eric Frei Administrator - Brisbane L