It's just a Joke!

pomme · 10th February 2008, 12:35 PM

another one for you cat lovers

Ekka · 10th February 2008, 01:45 PM

newguy18 · 10th February 2008, 02:20 PM

thats funny Ekka,pomme the cat carrier is hilarious.

heres a quick one
how do you know if you go to a real chinese reastruant?

they have cat paws in the fortune cookies.

pomme · 11th February 2008, 03:22 AM

how s this for a smart job

Ekka · 11th February 2008, 03:40 AM

On a billboard here.

pomme · 11th February 2008, 04:07 AM

how true

Ekka · 11th February 2008, 04:36 AM

Looking through the steering wheel. LOL

What about those that drive with the seat so close to the wheel it looks like they're doing the chicken dance with their elbows sticking out the sides and all.

hoot gibson · 11th February 2008, 04:18 PM

chicken dance , thats funny , that is the same thing my brother done all across the yard when i hit him in the back with a hillbilly creditcard. man could he run . h

newguy18 · 12th February 2008, 09:05 PM

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change:$20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total:$21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands..

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35 ) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts:$50.00
DUI:$2500.00
Impound fee:$75.00
Bail:$1500.00
Beer:$20..00
Total: $4,145.00

Not to mention the increase in car insurance!

But, being a "Man" you have the satisfaction of knowing the job was done right!

Therrin · 13th February 2008, 12:38 AM

NG, thats HILLARIOUS!!!!

I know I've been through 80% of that before. Substitute kitty litter for sand.

I've got it down now, but the first couple of times were sure fun =)

DBS · 13th February 2008, 12:13 PM

Poor Old Man

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day"
The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?"

The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"

newguy18 · 13th February 2008, 02:33 PM

Daveindubuque · 16th February 2008, 08:25 PM

A young boy was awoken one night by the sounds of his moms cries. He went too see what all the noise was about. There he saw mom and dad in the middle of passionate love makeing. His dad seeing the boy. Stopped and took his son back to his room, explaining that what he had seen was a natural act between a man and a woman. Then giveing him a chuck on the shoulder with a smile said "she enjoyed what was happening". A couple of days went by and dad was in the shop. He saw grandma go into the house. After 10 min. he heard her screaming and yelling. Dad runs into the house and sees his son on grandma! He yells at his son. WHAT ARE YOU DOING!! The son says "IT AINT SO FUNNY WHEN IT IS YOUR MOM!!!!"

Ekka · 17th February 2008, 02:39 AM

LOL, that's a shocker.

newguy18 · 17th February 2008, 05:57 AM

pomme · 17th February 2008, 09:39 AM

Man Laws

At last some guy has taken the time to write this all down

We always hear ' the rules '
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. AL L men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's
wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...
Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as football
or cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh

(Someone sent this to me in an email and the authorship of it was "unspecified". My thanks and attribution to whomever wrote it.)

10th February 2008, 02:20 PM	#203 (permalink)
newguy18 Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Live Oak Florida home of the crapiest trees you will ever see. Posts: 2,679	Re: It's just a Joke! thats funny Ekka,pomme the cat carrier is hilarious. heres a quick one how do you know if you go to a real chinese reastruant? they have cat paws in the fortune cookies. __________________ Have your say join us today. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzkd_m4ivmc http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzfzb...eature=related http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-OqK...eature=related

11th February 2008, 03:40 AM	#205 (permalink)
Ekka Eric Frei Administrator - Brisbane L5 (Dip) Hort Cert III Arb + some Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Brisbane Posts: 6,932	Re: It's just a Joke! On a billboard here. __________________ Remember to use the "search" function, if you have answers/questions post them so everyone can benefit. Free Tree and Green Industry Link Directory Qualified Brisbane Tree Lopping \| Stump Grinding and Stump Removal Brisbane Brisbane Tree Care, Consultations, Developer, Tree and Arborist Reports Forum Sponsors

11th February 2008, 04:36 AM	#207 (permalink)
Ekka Eric Frei Administrator - Brisbane L5 (Dip) Hort Cert III Arb + some Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Brisbane Posts: 6,932	Re: It's just a Joke! Looking through the steering wheel. LOL What about those that drive with the seat so close to the wheel it looks like they're doing the chicken dance with their elbows sticking out the sides and all. __________________ Remember to use the "search" function, if you have answers/questions post them so everyone can benefit. Free Tree and Green Industry Link Directory Qualified Brisbane Tree Lopping \| Stump Grinding and Stump Removal Brisbane Brisbane Tree Care, Consultations, Developer, Tree and Arborist Reports Forum Sponsors

11th February 2008, 04:18 PM	#208 (permalink)
hoot gibson Semi-mature vigorous tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: central ohio Posts: 71	Re: It's just a Joke! chicken dance , thats funny , that is the same thing my brother done all across the yard when i hit him in the back with a hillbilly creditcard. man could he run . h __________________ i had a friend one, but he died .

12th February 2008, 09:05 PM	#209 (permalink)
newguy18 Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Live Oak Florida home of the crapiest trees you will ever see. Posts: 2,679	Re: It's just a Joke! Oil Change instructions for Women: 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. 2) Drink a cup of coffee 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change:$20.00 Coffee: $1.00 Total:$21.00 Oil Change instructions for Men: 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00. 2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss. 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 19) Remember drain plug from step 11. 20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 21) Drink beer. 22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer. 24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame. 25) Begin cussing fit. 26) Throw stupid crescent wrench. 27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy. 28) Beer. 29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 30) Beer. 31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 32) Beer. 33) Lower car from jack stands.. 34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps. 35 ) Beer. 36) Test drive car. 37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 38) Car gets impounded. 39) Call loving wife, make bail. 40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard. Money spent: Parts:$50.00 DUI:$2500.00 Impound fee:$75.00 Bail:$1500.00 Beer:$20..00 Total: $4,145.00 Not to mention the increase in car insurance! But, being a "Man" you have the satisfaction of knowing the job was done right! __________________ Have your say join us today. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzkd_m4ivmc http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzfzb...eature=related http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-OqK...eature=related

13th February 2008, 12:38 AM	#210 (permalink)
Therrin The Tree World Bandit Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Lancaster, Ca Posts: 1,273	Re: It's just a Joke! NG, thats HILLARIOUS!!!! I know I've been through 80% of that before. Substitute kitty litter for sand. I've got it down now, but the first couple of times were sure fun =)

13th February 2008, 12:13 PM	#211 (permalink)
DBS Semi-mature vigorous tree Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: CT USA Posts: 205	Re: It's just a Joke! Poor Old Man An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day" The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?" The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!" __________________ Stihl MS 200T Stihl MS 361

13th February 2008, 02:33 PM	#212 (permalink)
newguy18 Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Live Oak Florida home of the crapiest trees you will ever see. Posts: 2,679	Re: It's just a Joke! __________________ Have your say join us today. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzkd_m4ivmc http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzfzb...eature=related http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-OqK...eature=related

16th February 2008, 08:25 PM	#213 (permalink)
Daveindubuque Sappling Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Dubuque Ia Posts: 9	Re: It's just a Joke! A young boy was awoken one night by the sounds of his moms cries. He went too see what all the noise was about. There he saw mom and dad in the middle of passionate love makeing. His dad seeing the boy. Stopped and took his son back to his room, explaining that what he had seen was a natural act between a man and a woman. Then giveing him a chuck on the shoulder with a smile said "she enjoyed what was happening". A couple of days went by and dad was in the shop. He saw grandma go into the house. After 10 min. he heard her screaming and yelling. Dad runs into the house and sees his son on grandma! He yells at his son. WHAT ARE YOU DOING!! The son says "IT AINT SO FUNNY WHEN IT IS YOUR MOM!!!!"

17th February 2008, 02:39 AM	#214 (permalink)
Ekka Eric Frei Administrator - Brisbane L5 (Dip) Hort Cert III Arb + some Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Brisbane Posts: 6,932	Re: It's just a Joke! LOL, that's a shocker. __________________ Remember to use the "search" function, if you have answers/questions post them so everyone can benefit. Free Tree and Green Industry Link Directory Qualified Brisbane Tree Lopping \| Stump Grinding and Stump Removal Brisbane Brisbane Tree Care, Consultations, Developer, Tree and Arborist Reports Forum Sponsors

17th February 2008, 05:57 AM	#215 (permalink)
newguy18 Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Live Oak Florida home of the crapiest trees you will ever see. Posts: 2,679	Re: It's just a Joke! __________________ Have your say join us today. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzkd_m4ivmc http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzfzb...eature=related http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-OqK...eature=related

17th February 2008, 09:39 AM	#216 (permalink)
pomme Semi-mature vigorous tree Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: england Posts: 220	Re: It's just a Joke! Man Laws At last some guy has taken the time to write this all down We always hear ' the rules ' From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are NOT mind readers. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one 1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. 1. AL L men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really . 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or cars. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh (Someone sent this to me in an email and the authorship of it was "unspecified". My thanks and attribution to whomever wrote it.)