It's just a Joke!

newguy18 · 1st February 2008, 02:28 PM

SMART A** ANSWER #6 -- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters
Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John,
seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no,"
she replied"

__________________________________________________ ____________________

SMART A** ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the
departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended

her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed
her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket,

not your stub."

__________________________________________________ ____________________

SMART A** ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen
turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough

for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any
bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
__________________________________________________ ____________________

SMART A** ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who

was stopped for s peeding rolled down his window. "I've been
waiting
for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When

the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
__________________________________________________ ____________________

SMART A** ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the
freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he

knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under

the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and
walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
"Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran

out of gas."
_____________________________________________ ______
___________________
SMART A** ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 -- A college teacher reminds her

class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any
excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a
nuclear
attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and
asked,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the
student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd
have to write the exam with your other hand."

__________________________________________________ ____________________

Tw o bonus extras: A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps

for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50
Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6
Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.
__________________________________________________ __________
__________
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not

happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel
horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

He never heard the shot....

polly · 1st February 2008, 02:56 PM

I heard this one the other day..........

There was a zebra walking in the country onday when he came across a sheep in a paddock.

"What are you"? asked the Zebra
"I'm a sheep". said the sheep
"what do you do?" asked the zebra

"well i graze in the paddock, grow my wool which is then shorn and humans use it for all sorts of things like making clothes and blankets, they use me as food to feed humans as well and some even use my milk for cheese making"

"oh" said the zebra and kept on walking

after a while he came across a cow in another paddock

"what are you?" asked the zebra
"I'm a cow" said the cow
"What do you do?" asked the zebra

"I also graze in the paddock, humans use my milk to drink they , my skin to make all sorts of leather products like shoes and hats, and they eat me as well.

"oh I see" said the zebra and kept on walking

a short time passed and the zebra came across a Stallion in a paddock

"what are you "? asked the Zebra

" I'm a stallion " said the stallion

"what do you do?" asked the zebra

"get your pyjama's off and i'll show you " said the stallion

One of the boys told me that one.

newguy18 · 2nd February 2008, 08:27 PM

i got a few crackers for you guys.
A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.

A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says.

"Where can I buy one?" he is asked.

Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says.

"I'll take him," says the other man as he counts out the money.

I can't bring him over today. I don't work on Sunday morrow OK?

"Sure."

The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says, "sorry, bad news."

I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead.

The city feller says just give me my money back then.

"Can't, spent it already!"

"Well... unload the mule then."

"What ya gonna do with him?"

"Raffle him off!"

"Naw, ya cant raffle off a dead mule!"

"Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tricks."

One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop.

"What did ya do with that dead mule?"

"Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!"

newguy18 · 2nd February 2008, 08:28 PM

Who says Today's Kids aren't smart?? (Well, some of them are!!!)

At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school.

Before they let them go, they painted a number on the side of each goat: #1, #2 and #4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

newguy18 · 2nd February 2008, 08:30 PM

COMMENTS MADE IN 1955

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas ."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress"

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend.. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

playfordtree · 2nd February 2008, 10:22 PM

Speaking of airline stewards,

i was on a flight just the other day, and the cute flight attendant said to me
"would you like some headphones?"

I said,
"thanks, and how did you know my name is phones?"

newguy18 · 3rd February 2008, 01:24 PM

The relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
__________________

newguy18 · 3rd February 2008, 01:27 PM

A man owned a small farm in Indiana.

The Indiana State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."
"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," said the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

newguy18 · 3rd February 2008, 01:29 PM

Southern Thinking

Georgia:

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University ofGeorgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,

'Everything but my earrings.'

************************************************** *************

Alabama:

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck'Where's Henry?' the others asked.

'Henry had a stroke of some kind He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.'

You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.

'A tough call,' nodded the hunter.

'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'

************************************************** *************

Louisiana:

A senior at LSU was overheard saying, 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.'

When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

************************************************** ***********

Mississippi:

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'

Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?

'The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got the license number.'

************************************************** ************

Tennessee:

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.

The trooper asked, 'Got any ID?'

The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'

************************************************** ************

Arkansas:

A man in Little Rock had a flat tire, pulled onto the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'

The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'

The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.'

************************************************** ************

And my favorite:

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North...

Therrin · 4th February 2008, 02:22 AM

This one is kind of funny, but is actually a true story. I know because it happened to me.

I was in a night class at the college, History 108 or some such. Proffessor graded on a curve... at a certain point there were only 8 of us left in the class. One night while on a break, just before taking a test, we all decided that we would all fill in spot "B" on our scantrons... every single person, and see how he handled it. (grading on a scale....not only would we all fail, but we'd all ace it too)

Luckily, we didn't have some jerk in our midst, and we pulled it off. Took a minute or so for the 8 of us to fill out a scantron with 50 answers. We all started coming up and dropping our tests off on his desk. The teacher (Dr. Brax), is just looking at us all with a really strange expression. He starts looking at the scantron forms, and starts flipping through them one after another, and says "I can't beleive it....."

He stood up, looked at all of us.... and said, "Alright you bastards, this will only work once okay? ONCE.... you all passed with 100% tonight, but if you ever do it again I'll fail all of you, now get out of here and go have a nice night"

Cheers all around and we left.... that test would have really sucked if we all actually had to take it. That prof was actually pretty cool.

clementine · 5th February 2008, 03:51 AM

Three old scouse women were 'aving a stout in the local pub, nattering away when the one says:

"Ere now, our kid, George, came to see me today, we named him George after St. Georges day ya know!"

Second says, " Did ya chuck, well, we named our son David after St. Davids day ya know!"

Third says, " By 'eck, that reminds me, it's our Pancakes birthday today!!"

newguy18 · 5th February 2008, 07:48 PM

Heres one for you old folks.

1977: Long hair
2007: Longing for hair

1977 : KEG
2007: EKG

1977 : Acid rock
2007: Acid reflux

1977 : Moving toCaliforniabecause it's cool
2007 : Moving toArizonabecause it's warm

1977: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or
Liz Taylor

2007: TryingNOT to look like Marlon Brando or
Liz Taylor

1977: Seeds and stems
2007: Roughage

1977: Hoping for a BMW
2007: Hoping for a BM

1977: Going to a new, hip joint
2007: Receiving a new hip joint

1977: Rolling Stones
2007: Kidney Stones

1977: Screw the system
2007: Upgrade the system

1977: Disco
2007: Costco

1977: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2007: Children begging you to get their heads
shaved

1977: Passing the drivers' test
2007: Passing the vision test

1977: Whatever
2007 : Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this
will certainly change things. Each year the staff at
Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to
try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this
year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across
the nation were born in 1989.

They are too young to remember the space
shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering! machine

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk
a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane."

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

newguy18 · 7th February 2008, 06:28 AM

Never Choke
in a restaurant in the South

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk
about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who
is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it
becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies
looks at her
and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes
her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her
dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a
lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm
and
the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again,
the Hillbilly walks slowly back t o the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver'
but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

newguy18 · 7th February 2008, 06:29 AM

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus loadof seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady,
"Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks,
"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,
"We just love the chocolate around them."

1st February 2008, 02:28 PM	#176 (permalink)
newguy18 Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Live Oak Florida home of the crapiest trees you will ever see. Posts: 2,680	Re: It's just a Joke! SMART A ANSWER #6 -- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied" __________________________________________________ ____________________ SMART A ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub." __________________________________________________ ____________________ SMART A ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." __________________________________________________ ____________________ SMART A ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for s peeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. __________________________________________________ ____________________ SMART A ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." _____________________________________________ ______ ___________________ SMART A ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 -- A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." __________________________________________________ ____________________ Tw o bonus extras: A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" The clerk says, "What denomination?" The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists. __________________________________________________ __________ __________ A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect." He never heard the shot.... __________________ Have your say join us today. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzkd_m4ivmc http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzfzb...eature=related http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-OqK...eature=related

1st February 2008, 02:56 PM	#177 (permalink)
polly former member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Adelaide Hills Posts: 74	Re: It's just a Joke! I heard this one the other day.......... There was a zebra walking in the country onday when he came across a sheep in a paddock. "What are you"? asked the Zebra "I'm a sheep". said the sheep "what do you do?" asked the zebra "well i graze in the paddock, grow my wool which is then shorn and humans use it for all sorts of things like making clothes and blankets, they use me as food to feed humans as well and some even use my milk for cheese making" "oh" said the zebra and kept on walking after a while he came across a cow in another paddock "what are you?" asked the zebra "I'm a cow" said the cow "What do you do?" asked the zebra "I also graze in the paddock, humans use my milk to drink they , my skin to make all sorts of leather products like shoes and hats, and they eat me as well. "oh I see" said the zebra and kept on walking a short time passed and the zebra came across a Stallion in a paddock "what are you "? asked the Zebra " I'm a stallion " said the stallion "what do you do?" asked the zebra "get your pyjama's off and i'll show you " said the stallion One of the boys told me that one.

2nd February 2008, 08:27 PM	#178 (permalink)
newguy18 Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Live Oak Florida home of the crapiest trees you will ever see. Posts: 2,680	Re: It's just a Joke! i got a few crackers for you guys. A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground. A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says. "Where can I buy one?" he is asked. Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says. "I'll take him," says the other man as he counts out the money. I can't bring him over today. I don't work on Sunday morrow OK? "Sure." The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says, "sorry, bad news." I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead. The city feller says just give me my money back then. "Can't, spent it already!" "Well... unload the mule then." "What ya gonna do with him?" "Raffle him off!" "Naw, ya cant raffle off a dead mule!" "Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tricks." One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop. "What did ya do with that dead mule?" "Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit." "Didn't anyone complain?" "Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!" __________________ Have your say join us today. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzkd_m4ivmc http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzfzb...eature=related http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-OqK...eature=related

2nd February 2008, 08:28 PM	#179 (permalink)
newguy18 Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Live Oak Florida home of the crapiest trees you will ever see. Posts: 2,680	Re: It's just a Joke! Who says Today's Kids aren't smart?? (Well, some of them are!!!) At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school. Before they let them go, they painted a number on the side of each goat: #1, #2 and #4. Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3. __________________ Have your say join us today. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzkd_m4ivmc http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzfzb...eature=related http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-OqK...eature=related

2nd February 2008, 08:30 PM	#180 (permalink)
newguy18 Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Live Oak Florida home of the crapiest trees you will ever see. Posts: 2,680	Re: It's just a Joke! COMMENTS MADE IN 1955 "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20." "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one." "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous." "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?" "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store." "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage." "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls." I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it. "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas ." "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president." "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now." "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet." "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work." "Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat." "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business." "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress" "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on." "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend.. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel." "No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood." "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it." __________________ Have your say join us today. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzkd_m4ivmc http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzfzb...eature=related http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-OqK...eature=related

2nd February 2008, 10:22 PM	#181 (permalink)
playfordtree Mature tree Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Adelaide Australia Posts: 340	Re: It's just a Joke! Speaking of airline stewards, i was on a flight just the other day, and the cute flight attendant said to me "would you like some headphones?" I said, "thanks, and how did you know my name is phones?" __________________ I Drink Therefore I am.

3rd February 2008, 01:24 PM	#182 (permalink)
newguy18 Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Live Oak Florida home of the crapiest trees you will ever see. Posts: 2,680	Re: It's just a Joke! The relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used." __________________ __________________ Have your say join us today. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzkd_m4ivmc http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzfzb...eature=related http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-OqK...eature=related

3rd February 2008, 01:27 PM	#183 (permalink)
newguy18 Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Live Oak Florida home of the crapiest trees you will ever see. Posts: 2,680	Re: It's just a Joke! A man owned a small farm in Indiana. The Indiana State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night." "That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," said the agent. "That would be me," replied the farmer. __________________ Have your say join us today. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzkd_m4ivmc http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzfzb...eature=related http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-OqK...eature=related

3rd February 2008, 01:29 PM	#184 (permalink)
newguy18 Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Live Oak Florida home of the crapiest trees you will ever see. Posts: 2,680	Re: It's just a Joke! Southern Thinking Georgia: The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University ofGeorgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?' The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.' ************************************************ ********* Alabama: A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck'Where's Henry?' the others asked. 'Henry had a stroke of some kind He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.' You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired. 'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!' ********************************************** ********* Louisiana: A senior at LSU was overheard saying, 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world. ********************************************** ******* Mississippi: The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!' Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was? 'The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got the license number.' ********************************************** ******** Tennessee: A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, 'Got any ID?' The driver replied, 'Bout whut?' ********************************************** ******** Arkansas: A man in Little Rock had a flat tire, pulled onto the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.' The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?' The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.' ********************************************** ********** And my favorite: You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North... __________________ Have your say join us today. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzkd_m4ivmc http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzfzb...eature=related http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-OqK...eature=related

4th February 2008, 02:22 AM	#185 (permalink)
Therrin The Tree World Bandit Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Lancaster, Ca Posts: 1,273	Re: It's just a Joke! This one is kind of funny, but is actually a true story. I know because it happened to me. I was in a night class at the college, History 108 or some such. Proffessor graded on a curve... at a certain point there were only 8 of us left in the class. One night while on a break, just before taking a test, we all decided that we would all fill in spot "B" on our scantrons... every single person, and see how he handled it. (grading on a scale....not only would we all fail, but we'd all ace it too) Luckily, we didn't have some jerk in our midst, and we pulled it off. Took a minute or so for the 8 of us to fill out a scantron with 50 answers. We all started coming up and dropping our tests off on his desk. The teacher (Dr. Brax), is just looking at us all with a really strange expression. He starts looking at the scantron forms, and starts flipping through them one after another, and says "I can't beleive it....." He stood up, looked at all of us.... and said, "Alright you bastards, this will only work once okay? ONCE.... you all passed with 100% tonight, but if you ever do it again I'll fail all of you, now get out of here and go have a nice night" Cheers all around and we left.... that test would have really sucked if we all actually had to take it. That prof was actually pretty cool. __________________ Ken Fessia I.T.S.A. Tree Service (661) 916-4703

5th February 2008, 03:51 AM	#186 (permalink)
clementine Mature tree Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Central Portugal Posts: 288	Re: It's just a Joke! Three old scouse women were 'aving a stout in the local pub, nattering away when the one says: "Ere now, our kid, George, came to see me today, we named him George after St. Georges day ya know!" Second says, " Did ya chuck, well, we named our son David after St. Davids day ya know!" Third says, " By 'eck, that reminds me, it's our Pancakes birthday today!!" __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken! Builder in Central Portugal

5th February 2008, 07:48 PM	#187 (permalink)
newguy18 Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Live Oak Florida home of the crapiest trees you will ever see. Posts: 2,680	Re: It's just a Joke! Heres one for you old folks. 1977: Long hair 2007: Longing for hair 1977 : KEG 2007: EKG 1977 : Acid rock 2007: Acid reflux 1977 : Moving toCaliforniabecause it's cool 2007 : Moving toArizonabecause it's warm 1977: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2007: TryingNOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1977: Seeds and stems 2007: Roughage 1977: Hoping for a BMW 2007: Hoping for a BM 1977: Going to a new, hip joint 2007: Receiving a new hip joint 1977: Rolling Stones 2007: Kidney Stones 1977: Screw the system 2007: Upgrade the system 1977: Disco 2007: Costco 1977: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2007: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 1977: Passing the drivers' test 2007: Passing the vision test 1977: Whatever 2007 : Depends Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list: The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1989. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. The CD was introduced the year they were born. They have always had an answering! machine They have always had cable. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane." They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. __________________ Have your say join us today. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzkd_m4ivmc http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzfzb...eature=related http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-OqK...eature=related

7th February 2008, 06:28 AM	#188 (permalink)
newguy18 Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Live Oak Florida home of the crapiest trees you will ever see. Posts: 2,680	Re: It's just a Joke! Never Choke in a restaurant in the South Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back t o the bar. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!' __________________ Have your say join us today. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzkd_m4ivmc http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzfzb...eature=related http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-OqK...eature=related

7th February 2008, 06:29 AM	#189 (permalink)
newguy18 Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Live Oak Florida home of the crapiest trees you will ever see. Posts: 2,680	Re: It's just a Joke! A tour bus driver is driving with a bus loadof seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?". "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied. The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them." __________________ Have your say join us today. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzkd_m4ivmc http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzfzb...eature=related http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-OqK...eature=related