It's just a Joke!

Therrin · 17th January 2008, 01:41 AM

Optical Illusion!! See how you do!

clementine · 17th January 2008, 02:11 AM

Nice tale JayD

What boat?

clementine · 17th January 2008, 04:49 AM

A schoolteacher is teaching a class room full of small
boys.

Teacher: " I have a question for the class!
There are three crows sitting on a fence,
the farmer comes out with his gun and shoots one,
how many crows are left"?

One boy starts jumping up and down excitedly, with his hand
raised trying to get the teachers attention. "Miss, miss, miss!"

Teacher: " O.K. Micky, you can tell the class".

Micky: " There are no crows left miss".

Teacher: Surprised look. "None left, why ?"

Micky: " You see miss, when the farmer shoots the crow, the noise
from his gun frightened the rest of them away miss".

Teacher: " Now that's a very good answer Micky. It's not the answer
that I wanted, but I like the way you're thinking".

Micky: " I have a question for you miss!"

Teacher: " Go on then Micky, what is it?"

Micky: " There are three women sitting on a wall miss and each of
them has a lollipop. One is kissing the lollipop, One is
licking the lollipop, and one is sucking the lollipop. Which
one of them is married?"

Teacher: After a long pause. " Well, I would think it's the one sucking the
lollipop".

Micky: " No miss. It's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the
way you're thinking".

clementine · 19th January 2008, 03:45 PM

Duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of bitter and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck!!"

I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck,

"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get
many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him,

"You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just
brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvelous", says the ringmaster, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really
good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus", says the barman.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the barman.

"The circus???" the duck asks again.

"Yes" says the barman

"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.

"Yeah" the barman replies.

"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.

"Of Course!" the barman replies.

"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" Asks the duck.

"That's right!" Says the barman.

The duck looks confused.

"What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?"

JayD · 22nd January 2008, 12:43 AM

This is a good one, I had a chuckle when I read this.

It's one of my wives ofcourse..LOL

dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to
work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the
mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you
a check ."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But,
whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I
REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as
she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman
go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain
himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

See - Men just don't listen!

Therrin · 22nd January 2008, 12:45 AM

LOL JayD!!!

clementine · 22nd January 2008, 01:10 AM

Love it!

newguy18 · 22nd January 2008, 07:10 AM

good one jayd.

azrael · 23rd January 2008, 02:28 AM

Ekka · 23rd January 2008, 02:40 AM

Or do 2 things at the same time. LOL

I was yacking away with the groundy putting the bar/chain from the 46 onto the 44 (4" longer for cubans).

Yack yack yada yada. Fuel and oil the saw, tension the chain and about to walk off with the chain on backwards.

Done it · 23rd January 2008, 04:02 AM

And now you've told the whole world about it.

Underwor · 25th January 2008, 01:07 PM

If you say you have never put a chain on backwards and have been in the business over a couple of days, you are probably lying. What is embarrassing is doing it in class when you are trying to lecture and work at the same time. It is even worse when no one notices it and you hand the saw to a student to make a cut with.

newguy18 · 25th January 2008, 01:37 PM

i did it on my first chainsaw about a week after i got it.

newguy18 · 28th January 2008, 10:46 AM

This is hilarious.

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Marine are all working together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each one of you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ."

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canadawas forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land."

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Marine says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The Marine sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."

Therrin · 28th January 2008, 02:22 PM

ROFL!!! Nice one bill!

clementine · 29th January 2008, 03:08 PM

17th January 2008, 01:16 AM	#151 (permalink)
azrael Banned Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Earth Australia Posts: 335	Re: It's just a Joke! LOL

17th January 2008, 01:41 AM	#152 (permalink)
Therrin The Tree World Bandit Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Lancaster, Ca Posts: 1,254	Re: It's just a Joke! Optical Illusion!! See how you do! __________________ Ken Fessia I.T.S.A. Tree Service (661) 916-4703

17th January 2008, 02:11 AM	#153 (permalink)
clementine Mature tree Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Central Portugal Posts: 282	Re: It's just a Joke! Nice tale JayD What boat? __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken! Builder in Central Portugal

17th January 2008, 04:49 AM	#154 (permalink)
clementine Mature tree Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Central Portugal Posts: 282	Re: It's just a Joke! A schoolteacher is teaching a class room full of small boys. Teacher: " I have a question for the class! There are three crows sitting on a fence, the farmer comes out with his gun and shoots one, how many crows are left"? One boy starts jumping up and down excitedly, with his hand raised trying to get the teachers attention. "Miss, miss, miss!" Teacher: " O.K. Micky, you can tell the class". Micky: " There are no crows left miss". Teacher: Surprised look. "None left, why ?" Micky: " You see miss, when the farmer shoots the crow, the noise from his gun frightened the rest of them away miss". Teacher: " Now that's a very good answer Micky. It's not the answer that I wanted, but I like the way you're thinking". Micky: " I have a question for you miss!" Teacher: " Go on then Micky, what is it?" Micky: " There are three women sitting on a wall miss and each of them has a lollipop. One is kissing the lollipop, One is licking the lollipop, and one is sucking the lollipop. Which one of them is married?" Teacher: After a long pause. " Well, I would think it's the one sucking the lollipop". Micky: " No miss. It's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you're thinking". __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken! Builder in Central Portugal

19th January 2008, 03:45 PM	#155 (permalink)
clementine Mature tree Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Central Portugal Posts: 282	Re: It's just a Joke! Duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of bitter and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck!!" I see your eyes are working", replies the duck. And you talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck. Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!". "Sounds marvelous", says the ringmaster, "get him to give me a call". So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!" "Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus", says the barman. "The circus?" the duck enquires. "That's right", replies the barman. "The circus???" the duck asks again. "Yes" says the barman "That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires. "Yeah" the barman replies. "With all the animals?" the duck questioned. "Of Course!" the barman replies. "With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" Asks the duck. "That's right!" Says the barman. The duck looks confused. "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?" __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken! Builder in Central Portugal

22nd January 2008, 12:43 AM	#156 (permalink)
JayD Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 885	Re: It's just a Joke! This is a good one, I had a chuckle when I read this. It's one of my wives ofcourse..LOL dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check ." "Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!" See - Men just don't listen! __________________ Free Tree and Green Industry Link Directory

22nd January 2008, 12:45 AM	#157 (permalink)
Therrin The Tree World Bandit Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Lancaster, Ca Posts: 1,254	Re: It's just a Joke! LOL JayD!!! __________________ Ken Fessia I.T.S.A. Tree Service (661) 916-4703

22nd January 2008, 01:10 AM	#158 (permalink)
clementine Mature tree Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Central Portugal Posts: 282	Re: It's just a Joke! Love it! __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken! Builder in Central Portugal

22nd January 2008, 07:10 AM	#159 (permalink)
newguy18 Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Live Oak Florida home of the crapiest trees you will ever see. Posts: 2,611	Re: It's just a Joke! good one jayd. __________________ Have your say join us today. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzkd_m4ivmc http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzfzb...eature=related http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-OqK...eature=related

23rd January 2008, 02:28 AM	#160 (permalink)
azrael Banned Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Earth Australia Posts: 335	Re: It's just a Joke! LOL

23rd January 2008, 02:40 AM	#161 (permalink)
Ekka Eric Frei Administrator - Brisbane L5 (Dip) Hort Cert III Arb + some Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Brisbane Posts: 6,846	Re: It's just a Joke! Or do 2 things at the same time. LOL I was yacking away with the groundy putting the bar/chain from the 46 onto the 44 (4" longer for cubans). Yack yack yada yada. Fuel and oil the saw, tension the chain and about to walk off with the chain on backwards. __________________ Remember to use the "search" function, if you have answers/questions post them so everyone can benefit. Free Tree and Green Industry Link Directory Qualified Brisbane Tree Lopping Brisbane Tree Care, Consultations and Arborist Reports Forum Sponsors

23rd January 2008, 04:02 AM	#162 (permalink)
Done it Semi-mature vigorous tree Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Parramatta. nsw. Australia. Posts: 217	Re: It's just a Joke! And now you've told the whole world about it.

25th January 2008, 01:07 PM	#163 (permalink)
Underwor Semi-mature vigorous tree Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: North Dakota Posts: 50	Re: It's just a Joke! If you say you have never put a chain on backwards and have been in the business over a couple of days, you are probably lying. What is embarrassing is doing it in class when you are trying to lecture and work at the same time. It is even worse when no one notices it and you hand the saw to a student to make a cut with. __________________ Bob Underwood, Associate Professor of Forestry ND School of Forestry Minot State University - Bottineau Campus Bottineau, North Dakota

25th January 2008, 01:37 PM	#164 (permalink)
newguy18 Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Live Oak Florida home of the crapiest trees you will ever see. Posts: 2,611	Re: It's just a Joke! i did it on my first chainsaw about a week after i got it. __________________ Have your say join us today. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzkd_m4ivmc http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzfzb...eature=related http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-OqK...eature=related

28th January 2008, 10:46 AM	#165 (permalink)
newguy18 Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Live Oak Florida home of the crapiest trees you will ever see. Posts: 2,611	Re: It's just a Joke! This is hilarious. Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Marine are all working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each one of you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ." POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canadawas forever fertile for farming. Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land." POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. The Marine says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable." The Marine sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water." __________________ Have your say join us today. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzkd_m4ivmc http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzfzb...eature=related http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-OqK...eature=related

28th January 2008, 02:22 PM	#166 (permalink)
Therrin The Tree World Bandit Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Lancaster, Ca Posts: 1,254	Re: It's just a Joke! ROFL!!! Nice one bill! __________________ Ken Fessia I.T.S.A. Tree Service (661) 916-4703

29th January 2008, 03:08 PM	#167 (permalink)
clementine Mature tree Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Central Portugal Posts: 282	Re: It's just a Joke!