It's just a Joke!

newguy18

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise After much discussion,they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen".

__________________
Have your say join us today.

I ship USA saws out of the USA

"Everybody's hell on safety."
G.f.beranek.

www.atreestory.com

newguy18

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours
in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers .

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in
front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large
and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He
then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the
jar He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas
between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was
full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the
jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured
the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space
between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to
recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the
important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends
and y our favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only
they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house
and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff. 'If you put the sand into
the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the
golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and
energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that
are important to you.

'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend
time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with
grandparents. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your spouse out
to dinner.

Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix
the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really
matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer
represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'

The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

Please share this with the people you care about.. I JUST DID

__________________
Have your say join us today.

I ship USA saws out of the USA

"Everybody's hell on safety."
G.f.beranek.

www.atreestory.com

newguy18

The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.


The first guy slept with Daryl and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all blood shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."


The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."


The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.

"Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"



He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night."

__________________
Have your say join us today.

I ship USA saws out of the USA

"Everybody's hell on safety."
G.f.beranek.

www.atreestory.com

newguy18

Almost pissed myself laughing at this one,
YouTube - lipstick sling shot to head

__________________
Have your say join us today.

I ship USA saws out of the USA

"Everybody's hell on safety."
G.f.beranek.

www.atreestory.com

mrkite6661

funny stuff right here

YouTube - guy fighting bear

funarty

StrictlyPalms

When you have a ' I Hate My Job' day,
[even if retired you have those sometimes] try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &
Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw
the curtains and disconnect the phone so yo u will not be
disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open
the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table
or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will
notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested
and then sanitized. '

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not
work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT
IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

__________________
Strictly Palms, Inc.
Orlando, Florida USA

StrictlyPalms

Sent to me by a female Coworker

Very Short Story

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells out window, BITCH!
Man rounds next curve.
Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought For the Day:
If men would just listen

__________________
Strictly Palms, Inc.
Orlando, Florida USA

funarty

funarty

A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... Smoking a joint



When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,

'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'



The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala

Where they enjoyed a few tokes.




After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry'

And that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far

Over and fell into the river.




A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and

Helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,

'What's the matter with you?'




The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he

Was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,

Got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.



The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked

Into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was

Sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

'Hey you!'



So the koala looked down at him and said,



'Shiiiiiiiiiiit, duuuuuude.....

How much water did you drink?!!'

Quintrex

Subject: Olympic commentators







Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators:




1 Weightlifting commentator:

'This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

2 Dressage commentator:

'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

3 Paul Hamm, Gymnast:

'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

4 Boxing Analyst:

'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

5 Softball announcer:

'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'

6 Basketball analyst:

'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'

7 At the rowing medal ceremony:

'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'

8 Soccer commentator:

'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'

9 Tennis commentator:

'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

__________________
Heightmaster

Quintrex

Staff Warning - Swearing at Work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.



1 Try Saying: I think you could do with more training Instead Of: You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?
2 Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter. Instead Of: She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch
3 Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late Instead Of: And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?
4 Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible Instead Of: F*** off a*se-hole
5 Try Saying: Really? Instead Of: Well f*** me
6 Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with... Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a f***.
7 Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project. Instead Of: Not my f***ing problem.
8 Try Saying: That's interesting. Instead Of: What the f***?
9 Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented
within the given timescale. Instead Of: No f***ing chance mate.
10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in Instead Of: Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?
11. Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues Instead Of: He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.
12. Try Saying: Excuse me, sir? Instead Of: Oi, f*** face.
13. Try Saying: Of course, I was only going
to be at home anyway Instead Of: Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

__________________
Heightmaster

Quintrex

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but
knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She
thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to
hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house
than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot
about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing
very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a
really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and
kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o 'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired
hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found
the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting
for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.'
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the
floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired.'

__________________
Heightmaster

Quintrex

A doctor in Ireland wants to get off work and go play golf, so he approaches his assistant.

"Seamus, I am going golfing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic," he says. "I want you to take care of the clinic and all me patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Seamus.

The doctor goes golfing, returns the following day and asks, "So, Seamus, how was your day?"

Seamus tells him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol.'

'Bravo, Seamus, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir," says Seamus.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this. And what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman bursts into the room. Quick as a wink she undresses herself, tearing off every stitch of clothing including her bra and her panties, and lies down on the table. She spreads her legs and shouts, "Help me, I beg you! It's been five years since I've seen a man!"

"Thunderin Lord Jesus, Seamus, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

__________________
Heightmaster

phill ellison

Well done Quintrex had a good laugh on all four of them