It's just a Joke!

funarty

Awwww you poor guys hehehe
Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms.They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.
* Nike Condoms: Just do it
* Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling
* Ford Condoms: The ride of your life
* Optus Condoms: Yes!
* Duracell Condoms: Keep going and going and going
* Pringles Condoms: Once you pop you can't stop
* Hyundai Condoms: All day, every day
* Tip Top Condoms: Good onya mum - (available in Tasmania only)
* Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected
* VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I've got one now
* Swan Lager Condoms: They said you'd never make it....
* Vegemite Condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek
* Levi Condoms: Do you fit the legend?
* Nescafe Condoms: It brings you together.
* Quicken Condoms: Quicken Easy
The following brands would probably not sell very well.....
* AFL Condoms: I'd Like to See That
* Goodyear Condoms: If it only saves you once a year....
* RTA Condoms: Speed kills
* Nobby's Condoms: Nibble Nobby's Nuts
* Bolle Condoms: Put them on your face
* Aussie Homeloans Condoms: We'll save you

Ekka

That was great! Howz the Tassies!!

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Quintrex

Camel Sex

>>> A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in
>>> the Afghanistan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit,
>>> he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the
>>> Sergeant why the camel is kept there.


>>> The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, There are 250 men
>>> here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have
>>> 'urges'. That's why we have Molly The Camel.'


>>> The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
>>> about 'urges', so the camel can stay.'


>>> About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.
>>> Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his
>>> tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the
>>> ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the
>>> camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men
>>> do it?'

>>> 'No not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town

__________________
Heightmaster

funarty

The Cork

Aussie humour!

funarty

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS: BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR.

funarty

You know you're Australian if…

1. Youknow the meaning of the word 'girt'.
2. Youbelieve that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
3. Youthink it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.
4. Youwaddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed inyour wallet or purse.
5. You'vemade a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegalsuch as watering the garden.
6. Youbelieve it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when hefirst attends school.
7. Whenyou hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how oftenand with whom.
8. Youunderstand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs'refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
9. Youpronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.
10. You pronounce Penrith as'Pen-riff'.
11. You believe the'l' in the word 'Australia' is optional.
12. You can translate:'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.'
13. You believe it makesperfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglassbananas, prawns and sheep.
14. You call your bestfriend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise isjust 'a bit of a bastard'.
15. You think'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
16. You're secretly proud ofour killer wildlife.
17. You believe it makessense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.
18. You understand that'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'WoyWoy' can't be called 'Woy'.
19. You believe thatcooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread.
20. You believe all famousKiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they againbecome Kiwis.
21. Hamburger. Beetroot. Ofcourse.
22. You know that certain wordsmust, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song Am IEver Gonna See Your Face Again.
23. You believe, as anarticle of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has becomesmaller with every passing year.
24. You still don't get whythe 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a'u'.
25. You wear ugh bootsoutside the house.
26. You believe, as anarticle of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by anAustralian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.
27. You believe that themore you shorten someone's name the more you like them.
28. Whatever your linguisticskills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asianlanguage.
29. You understand that'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is alwayspolite.
30. You know what it's liketo swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
31. You understand that'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'.
32. You know it's not summeruntil the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
33. Your biggest familyargument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
34. You shake your head inhorror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.
35. You still think of Kylieas 'that girl off Neighbours'.
36. When returning home fromoverseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in caseyou're trying to sneak in fruit.
37. You believe the phrase'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitablylaundered.
38. You understand that alltrain timetables are works of fiction.
39. When working on a bar,you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse wheneverthey order low-alcohol beer.
40. You get choked up withemotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have troubleremembering the second.
41. You find yourselfignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new testfor migrants.
42. You know, whatever thetourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'.
43. Youknow the oath of mateship can never be limited by geographical distance.
44. You'vemimicked Alf Stewart from the TV show Home and Away's broad, Australian accent,eg. 'push off, ya flamin' drongo!'
45. You'vehad an argument with your mate over whether Ford or Holden makes the better car
46. You'vedone the 'hot sand' dance at the beach while running from the oceanback to your towel.
47. Youknow who Ray Martin is
48. Youstart using words like 'bloody' and 'grouse' and call people 'champ'
49. Youstop greeting people with 'hello' and go straight to the 'how yadoin'?'
50. You'vebeen to a day-nighter cricket match and screamed out incomprehensibly untilyour throat went raw.
51. Youhave a story that somehow revolves around excess consumption of alcohol and amate named 'Dave'.
52. You'verisked attending an outdoor music festival on the hottest day of the year.
53. You'vetried to hang off a clothesline while pretending you can fly
54. You'vehad a visit to the emergency room after hanging off the clothesline pretendingyou can fly.
55. You owna pair of thongs for everyday use, and another pair of dress thongs' forspecial occasions.
56. Youdon't know what's in a meat pie, and you don't care
57. You callsoccer 'soccer, not 'football'
58. You'vesqueezed Vegemite through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.
59. Yousuck your coffee/tea through a Tim Tam.
60. Yourealise that lifeguards are the only people who can get away with wearingSpeedos.
61. Youpledge allegiance to Vegemite over Promite, even if you don’t eat it.
62. Youunderstand the value of public holidays.
63. You'reweekends are spent barracking for your favourite sports team.
64. You'veplayed beach cricket with a tennis ball and a bat fashioned out of a fencepost.
65. Youfirmly believe that in the end, everything will be ok, and have told a mate intough times that 'She'll be right, mate'
66. You usethe phrase, 'no worries' at least once a day.
67. You'vebeen on a beach holiday and have probably stayed in a caravan.
68. Youconstantly shorten words to 'brekkie', 'arvo' and'barbie'
69. You'veadopted a local bar as your own.

bill24

We can all relate to those FUNARTY...
===================================

Irish Coffee

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.

Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!

T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in that coffee shop again!'

funarty

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.'
Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.'
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite!'
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to
the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much
better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
'Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls
himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says, 'No fockin' way', but he crawls up
the stairs to his bedroom door and says, 'I can make it to the bed.'
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it'
and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'..
Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'
'Mick phoned. You leftyour wheelchair at the pub.'

Quintrex

100 Lbs of Dynamite


The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a Great
Chest you have!"


He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby."


He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive Calves you
have!"

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby."

He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of
the Apartment screaming in fear.


The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.
He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.




The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite
after I saw how short the fuse was !!!!!!

__________________
Heightmaster

clementine

Sex this Morning!!

My Wife was standing in the kitchen
Preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
Wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally sleeps in.

As I walked in, almost awake,
She turned to me and said softly,
'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought,
'Am I still dreaming or is
This going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then gave it my all;
Right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her
'T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'




She explained, 'Oh, The egg timer's broken!'

Have a nice day!

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!
Builder in Central Portugal

bill24

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses €500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse and don't upset the poor woman.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost €500, and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him," says Gallagher.

********************************************************************************************************************

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight."

********************************************************************************************************************

newguy18

Okay,a man and his son were talking one day and the boy asked dad what is the difference between boobs.
the dad says well son a 20year old woman's boobs are like melons,round and firm.
a 30 year old womans boobs are like pears,still kinda firm.
A 40 or 50 year old woman's boobs are like onions.
The son said why,because they have layers?
The dad said,no when you look at them they make you cry.

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I ship USA saws out of the USA

"Everybody's hell on safety."
G.f.beranek.

www.atreestory.com

funarty

JayD

Yes but some stay in flower and some turn to seed...LOL

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newguy18