It's just a Joke!

phill ellison · 22nd August 2008, 03:47 AM

you are a bad man LOL

clementine · 23rd August 2008, 12:42 PM

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man.

'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said.

'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.' The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.'

Quintrex · 24th August 2008, 12:35 AM

Japanese Scientists Have Created A Camera With A Shutter Speed So Fast, They Can Now Photograph A Woman With Her Mouth Shut.

A Boy Asks His Granny, 'have You Seen My Pills, They Were Labelled Lsd?' Granny Replies, 'f**k The Pills, Have You Seen The Dragons In The Kitchen?!'

Little Billy Asks His Dad For A Telly In His Room. Dad Reluctactly Agrees.. Next Day Billy Comes Downstairs And Asks, 'dad, What's Love Juice?' Dad Looks Horrified And Tells Billy All About Sex.
Billy Just Sat There With His Mouth Open In Amazement.
Dad Says, 'so What Were You Watching?'
Billy Says, ' Wimbledon !'

A Woman Standing Nude In Front Of A Mirror, Says To Her Husband, 'i Look Horrible, I Feel Fat & Ugly, Pay Me A Compliment.'
He Replies, 'your Eyesight Is Perfect!'

Wife Gets Naked & Asks Hubby, 'what Turns You On More, My Pretty Face Or My Sexy Body?'
Hubby Looks Her Up & Down And Replies, 'your F***in' Sense Of Humour!'

playfordtree · 24th August 2008, 03:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Quintrex

Japanese Scientists Have Created A Camera With A Shutter Speed So Fast, They Can Now Photograph A Woman With Her Mouth Shut.

A Boy Asks His Granny, 'have You Seen My Pills, They Were Labelled Lsd?' Granny Replies, 'f**k The Pills, Have You Seen The Dragons In The Kitchen?!'

Little Billy Asks His Dad For A Telly In His Room. Dad Reluctactly Agrees.. Next Day Billy Comes Downstairs And Asks, 'dad, What's Love Juice?' Dad Looks Horrified And Tells Billy All About Sex.
Billy Just Sat There With His Mouth Open In Amazement.
Dad Says, 'so What Were You Watching?'
Billy Says, ' Wimbledon !'

A Woman Standing Nude In Front Of A Mirror, Says To Her Husband, 'i Look Horrible, I Feel Fat & Ugly, Pay Me A Compliment.'
He Replies, 'your Eyesight Is Perfect!'

Wife Gets Naked & Asks Hubby, 'what Turns You On More, My Pretty Face Or My Sexy Body?'
Hubby Looks Her Up & Down And Replies, 'your F***in' Sense Of Humour!'

Gold Medal Performance!

newguy18 · 24th August 2008, 09:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Quintrex

Japanese Scientists Have Created A Camera With A Shutter Speed So Fast, They Can Now Photograph A Woman With Her Mouth Shut.

A Boy Asks His Granny, 'have You Seen My Pills, They Were Labelled Lsd?' Granny Replies, 'f**k The Pills, Have You Seen The Dragons In The Kitchen?!'

Little Billy Asks His Dad For A Telly In His Room. Dad Reluctactly Agrees.. Next Day Billy Comes Downstairs And Asks, 'dad, What's Love Juice?' Dad Looks Horrified And Tells Billy All About Sex.
Billy Just Sat There With His Mouth Open In Amazement.
Dad Says, 'so What Were You Watching?'
Billy Says, ' Wimbledon !'

A Woman Standing Nude In Front Of A Mirror, Says To Her Husband, 'i Look Horrible, I Feel Fat & Ugly, Pay Me A Compliment.'
He Replies, 'your Eyesight Is Perfect!'

Wife Gets Naked & Asks Hubby, 'what Turns You On More, My Pretty Face Or My Sexy Body?'
Hubby Looks Her Up & Down And Replies, 'your F***in' Sense Of Humour!'

good ones.

Done it · 25th August 2008, 02:16 AM

I've been saving this one for you, NG.

Diary Review: Moving South, 2007
May 30, 2007 :

Just moved to Huntsville, Alabama from Chicago, Illinois.
Now, this is a city that knows how to live!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place!
I watched the sunset from a park while lying on a blanket.
It was beautiful.
I've finally found my home.
I love it here.

June 14, 2007 :

Really heating up.
Got to 100 degrees today. Not a problem.
Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this.
I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30, 2007:

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today.
Lots of cactus and rocks. The yard is a breeze to maintain!
No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love living in Huntsville.

July 10, 2007 :

The temperature hasn't been below 100 degrees all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least it's kind of windy, but getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.

July 15, 2007:

Fell asleep by the pool.
(Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson, though.
Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20, 2007:

Morgan (our cat) sneaked into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000 leather upholstery.
I told the kids that she ran away.
The car now smells like Kibbles and shits.
I learned my lesson, though. No more pets in this heat.

July 25, 2007:

The wind sucks.
It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer! And it's hot as hell!
The home air-conditioner is on the fritz, and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order the parts.

July 30, 2007:

Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
The monthly house payment is $1,500 and we can't even go inside.
Why did I ever come here?

August 4, 2007:

It's 105 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today for a cost of $900.
The temperature gets down to 78 degrees, but this freaking humidity makes the house feel like it's about 95 degrees.
I hate this stupid city.

August 8, 2007:

If another wise ass person cracks, "Hot enough for ya today?" I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat.
By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!

August 9, 2007:

Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car.
I thought my ass was on fire.
I lost two layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass.
Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

August 10, 2007:

The weather report might as well be a damn recording.
Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for two damn months, and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert?
Water rationing will be next, so I might as well watch $1,700 worth of cactus just dry up and blow into the damn pool.
Not even cactus can live in this damn heat.

August 14, 2007:

Welcome to HELL!!!
The temperature got to 105 degrees today.
Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car.
The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"
My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.
Freaking South.
What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?

newguy18 · 25th August 2008, 06:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Done it

I've been saving this one for you, NG.

Diary Review: Moving South, 2007
May 30, 2007 :

Just moved to Huntsville, Alabama from Chicago, Illinois.
Now, this is a city that knows how to live!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place!
I watched the sunset from a park while lying on a blanket.
It was beautiful.
I've finally found my home.
I love it here.

June 14, 2007 :

Really heating up.
Got to 100 degrees today. Not a problem.
Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this.
I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30, 2007:

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today.
Lots of cactus and rocks. The yard is a breeze to maintain!
No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love living in Huntsville.

July 10, 2007 :

The temperature hasn't been below 100 degrees all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least it's kind of windy, but getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.

July 15, 2007:

Fell asleep by the pool.
(Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson, though.
Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20, 2007:

Morgan (our cat) sneaked into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000 leather upholstery.
I told the kids that she ran away.
The car now smells like Kibbles and shits.
I learned my lesson, though. No more pets in this heat.

July 25, 2007:

The wind sucks.
It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer! And it's hot as hell!
The home air-conditioner is on the fritz, and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order the parts.

July 30, 2007:

Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
The monthly house payment is $1,500 and we can't even go inside.
Why did I ever come here?

August 4, 2007:

It's 105 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today for a cost of $900.
The temperature gets down to 78 degrees, but this freaking humidity makes the house feel like it's about 95 degrees.
I hate this stupid city.

August 8, 2007:

If another wise ass person cracks, "Hot enough for ya today?" I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat.
By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!

August 9, 2007:

Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car.
I thought my ass was on fire.
I lost two layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass.
Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

August 10, 2007:

The weather report might as well be a damn recording.
Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for two damn months, and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert?
Water rationing will be next, so I might as well watch $1,700 worth of cactus just dry up and blow into the damn pool.
Not even cactus can live in this damn heat.

August 14, 2007:

Welcome to HELL!!!
The temperature got to 105 degrees today.
Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car.
The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"
My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.
Freaking South.
What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?

Smart aleck.

Man i'm still going to therapy because of that state.

Done it · 25th August 2008, 06:20 AM

Why? Didn't you watch this show while you were there?

glumbert - Laughter is contagious

newguy18 · 25th August 2008, 11:09 AM

Nope to busy running from mosquitoes and gnats.

treerat · 25th August 2008, 12:18 PM

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, " I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no Idea your father was a pharmacist."

bill24 · 26th August 2008, 11:37 PM

The Flight Crew
==================================
The airliner pushed back from the gate and the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while Captain Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination.'

Ed, sitting in the eighth row, thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right, Is the Captain a woman?'

When the attendant came by with the drink cart
He said, 'Did I understand you right... Is the Captain a woman?'

'Yes,' said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My Goodness' said Ed , 'I'd better have two large scotch and sodas.
I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing sir,' said the attendant,

'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit.'

'It's now The Box Office.'

===============================================

clementine · 27th August 2008, 07:09 AM

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears
strange noises coming from the bedroom.

she rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed,
sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.
'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but
just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says,
'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no
clothes on!'
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs
into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door.

Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet
floor.

'You rotten 'Bitch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and
you're running around naked scaring the kids!!'

Quintrex · 28th August 2008, 05:39 AM

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

Quintrex · 28th August 2008, 05:40 AM

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R !
We missed the R !
We missed the R !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

"CELEBRATE !!!"

clementine · 28th August 2008, 02:38 PM

Irrefutable Laws for Men:

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’s car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach … and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

16: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and

22nd August 2008, 03:47 AM	#526 (permalink)
phill ellison Mature tree Join Date: May 2008 Location: new zealand Posts: 268	Re: It's just a Joke! you are a bad man LOL

23rd August 2008, 12:42 PM	#527 (permalink)
clementine Mature tree Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Central Portugal Posts: 327	Re: It's just a Joke! A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.' The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.' __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken! Builder in Central Portugal

24th August 2008, 12:35 AM	#528 (permalink)
Quintrex Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 546	Re: It's just a Joke! Japanese Scientists Have Created A Camera With A Shutter Speed So Fast, They Can Now Photograph A Woman With Her Mouth Shut. A Boy Asks His Granny, 'have You Seen My Pills, They Were Labelled Lsd?' Granny Replies, 'fk The Pills, Have You Seen The Dragons In The Kitchen?!' Little Billy Asks His Dad For A Telly In His Room. Dad Reluctactly Agrees.. Next Day Billy Comes Downstairs And Asks, 'dad, What's Love Juice?' Dad Looks Horrified And Tells Billy All About Sex. Billy Just Sat There With His Mouth Open In Amazement. Dad Says, 'so What Were You Watching?' Billy Says, ' Wimbledon !' A Woman Standing Nude In Front Of A Mirror, Says To Her Husband, 'i Look Horrible, I Feel Fat & Ugly, Pay Me A Compliment.' He Replies, 'your Eyesight Is Perfect!' Wife Gets Naked & Asks Hubby, 'what Turns You On More, My Pretty Face Or My Sexy Body?' Hubby Looks Her Up & Down And Replies, 'your F*in' Sense Of Humour!' __________________ Heightmaster

25th August 2008, 02:16 AM	#531 (permalink)
Done it Mature tree Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Parramatta. nsw. Australia. Posts: 374	Re: It's just a Joke! I've been saving this one for you, NG. Diary Review: Moving South, 2007 May 30, 2007 : Just moved to Huntsville, Alabama from Chicago, Illinois. Now, this is a city that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a park while lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here. June 14, 2007 : Really heating up. Got to 100 degrees today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper. June 30, 2007: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. The yard is a breeze to maintain! No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love living in Huntsville. July 10, 2007 : The temperature hasn't been below 100 degrees all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy, but getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected. July 15, 2007: Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson, though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this. July 20, 2007: Morgan (our cat) sneaked into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson, though. No more pets in this heat. July 25, 2007: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer! And it's hot as hell! The home air-conditioner is on the fritz, and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order the parts. July 30, 2007: Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. The monthly house payment is $1,500 and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here? August 4, 2007: It's 105 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today for a cost of $900. The temperature gets down to 78 degrees, but this freaking humidity makes the house feel like it's about 95 degrees. I hate this stupid city. August 8, 2007: If another wise ass person cracks, "Hot enough for ya today?" I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat! August 9, 2007: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my ass was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat. August 10, 2007: The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for two damn months, and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing will be next, so I might as well watch $1,700 worth of cactus just dry up and blow into the damn pool. Not even cactus can live in this damn heat. August 14, 2007: Welcome to HELL!!! The temperature got to 105 degrees today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail. Freaking South. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?

25th August 2008, 06:20 AM	#533 (permalink)
Done it Mature tree Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Parramatta. nsw. Australia. Posts: 374	Re: It's just a Joke! Why? Didn't you watch this show while you were there? glumbert - Laughter is contagious

25th August 2008, 11:09 AM	#534 (permalink)
newguy18 Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Dead twig Florida. Posts: 3,977	Re: It's just a Joke! Nope to busy running from mosquitoes and gnats. __________________ Have your say join us today. I ship saws outside the USA. http://www.treeworld.info/f40/i-ship...html#post44559 "Everybody's hell on safety." G.f.beranek. www.atreestory.com

25th August 2008, 12:18 PM	#535 (permalink)
treerat Sappling Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Eastern Pa. Posts: 36	Re: It's just a Joke! A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, " I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no Idea your father was a pharmacist."

26th August 2008, 11:37 PM	#536 (permalink)
bill24 Semi-mature vigorous tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Victoria, AUST. Posts: 84	Re: It's just a Joke! The Flight Crew ================================== The airliner pushed back from the gate and the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while Captain Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination.' Ed, sitting in the eighth row, thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right, Is the Captain a woman?' When the attendant came by with the drink cart He said, 'Did I understand you right... Is the Captain a woman?' 'Yes,' said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.' 'My Goodness' said Ed , 'I'd better have two large scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.' 'That's another thing sir,' said the attendant, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit.' 'It's now The Box Office.' ===============================================

27th August 2008, 07:09 AM	#537 (permalink)
clementine Mature tree Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Central Portugal Posts: 327	Re: It's just a Joke! A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. she rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. 'What's up?' she asks. 'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!' The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. 'You rotten 'Bitch', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!' __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken! Builder in Central Portugal

28th August 2008, 05:39 AM	#538 (permalink)
Quintrex Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 546	Re: It's just a Joke! A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'? The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.' __________________ Heightmaster

28th August 2008, 05:40 AM	#539 (permalink)
Quintrex Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 546	Re: It's just a Joke! A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . . So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... "CELEBRATE !!!" __________________ Heightmaster