It's just a Joke!

funarty · 14th August 2008, 04:12 AM

Disgusting!!!! What do you call that useless bit of skin on the end of a dick........

A man!!

bill24 · 14th August 2008, 04:23 AM

We had that coming FUNARTY..........sorry.

Therrin · 14th August 2008, 05:02 AM

Well for those of you who don't know yet.

Scientists have discovered a type of food which actually reduces the sex drive in women by up to 99% (100%, in some figures)

When this food is eaten, women lose their interest in sex almost entirely!
Guess what it is?

Wedding Cake!

funarty · 14th August 2008, 06:30 AM

I reckon! Who in their right mind would get married!!

An' don't be sorry you should hear what I say about men in general!!

bill24 · 15th August 2008, 02:03 AM

What can I say except, you are probably right................e.g.

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty
thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you
don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.'

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES,
YES, I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb founded

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'*
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY_**

Not all Irish are stupid; not all blondes are dumb; but all men are men.*

funarty · 15th August 2008, 02:07 AM

So true!!

kieren · 15th August 2008, 04:30 AM

I cant remember the last time i laughed so hard i ages

funarty · 15th August 2008, 09:47 PM

Meaty bites diet

I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was
standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet
again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward
with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete
so
I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd
been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid ....why else would I buy dog food??

clementine · 16th August 2008, 05:07 AM

A woman walked into a sex shop and spotted a Dildo that said,

"This is the MAGIC DILDO",
"It will satisfy all your needs!"
"Voice activation, does what you tell it to!"
Only $99!!!!

Well, wow she thought, a bit expensive but if it does what it says, a bargain.

She got the Magic DILDO home, stripped off and lay on the bed with the Magic Dildo beside her.

"MAGIC DILDO my F'nny!" she commanded.

The Magic Dildo jumped up and dived into her F'nny and began to pump away until, completely satisfied, she could take no more and commanded:
"Magic Dildo STOP!"

The Dildo continued to pump away and she began to panic.

She again commanded: "Magic Dildo STOP!"

Still it would not stop. She tried to pull it out but couldn't.
She jumped out of bed and ran downstairs and into the street, screaming:
"Help me, please Help me!"

A policeman saw she was in distress and ran over to ask what the problem was.
She told him:" I bought this MAGIC DILDO, it does everything you tell it, but now it won't stop!"

The policeman looked at her in disbelief, "MAGIC DILDO my ARSE", he said .

Quintrex · 18th August 2008, 02:48 AM

PRICELESS!

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your
spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to
relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in
20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new
suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60
years!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new
shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe
was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' ' Been in the business 60
years.' Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about
some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The
salesman said, 'Let's see...size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell
of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second opinion - PRICELESS

Quintrex · 18th August 2008, 02:49 AM

She'd been taught, 'Housework is a woman's job,' but one evening Joan arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table was set.
She was astonished!!

It turned out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who worked full-time and then had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.'

The night went very well.

The next day, she told her office friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that ..., Ralph was too tired.'

God is good

funarty · 18th August 2008, 03:46 PM

heheheh good one!

Done it · 21st August 2008, 02:57 AM

A husband and wife are doing their grocery shopping.
The man picks up a case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans," he says.

"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart.

"Whoa, what do you think you're doing?" asks the man.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.

The man replies, "So does the beer, and it's HALF THE PRICE!"

Done it · 21st August 2008, 03:05 AM

Just to be on the safe side,

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Good trade.'

Quintrex · 21st August 2008, 04:41 AM

Coupla good one there Mate!

Quintrex · 21st August 2008, 04:42 AM

LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN
>>
>> A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
>> 'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.
>>
>> On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of
>> Coco Pops
>> and jammy toasties!
>>
>> He took her to AltonTowersand put her on every ride in the park:
>> * The Death Slide
>> * The Wall of Fear
>> * The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
>>
>> Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
>>
>> Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they
>> went to
>> a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra
>> fries
>> and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.
>>
>> Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic
>> cartoon, a
>> hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could! ! ! ! ! ! ! drink, her
>> favourite
>> lolly and M&Ms!
>>
>>
>> What a fabulous adventure!
>>
>> Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed
>> exhausted.
>> He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked
>> 'Well
>> dear, what was it like being eight again?'
>>
>> Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total
>> realisation...'I meant my dress size, you f***ing idiot !!!'
>>
>>
>>

Quintrex · 21st August 2008, 04:46 AM

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the

14th August 2008, 04:12 AM	#501 (permalink)
funarty Semi-mature vigorous tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: townsville Q.L.D. Australia Posts: 184	Re: It's just a Joke! Disgusting!!!! What do you call that useless bit of skin on the end of a dick........ A man!!

14th August 2008, 04:23 AM	#502 (permalink)
bill24 Semi-mature vigorous tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Victoria, AUST. Posts: 84	Re: It's just a Joke! We had that coming FUNARTY..........sorry.

14th August 2008, 05:02 AM	#503 (permalink)
Therrin The Tree World Bandit Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Lancaster, Ca Posts: 1,387	Re: It's just a Joke! Well for those of you who don't know yet. Scientists have discovered a type of food which actually reduces the sex drive in women by up to 99% (100%, in some figures) When this food is eaten, women lose their interest in sex almost entirely! Guess what it is? Wedding Cake! __________________ Ken Fessia I.T.S.A. Tree Service (661) 916-4703

14th August 2008, 06:30 AM	#504 (permalink)
funarty Semi-mature vigorous tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: townsville Q.L.D. Australia Posts: 184	Re: It's just a Joke! I reckon! Who in their right mind would get married!!An' don't be sorry you should hear what I say about men in general!!

15th August 2008, 02:03 AM	#505 (permalink)
bill24 Semi-mature vigorous tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Victoria, AUST. Posts: 84	Re: It's just a Joke! What can I say except, you are probably right................e.g. An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.' With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!' As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb founded Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'* The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.' MORAL OF THE STORY_** Not all Irish are stupid; not all blondes are dumb; but all men are men.*

15th August 2008, 02:07 AM	#506 (permalink)
funarty Semi-mature vigorous tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: townsville Q.L.D. Australia Posts: 184	Re: It's just a Joke! So true!!

15th August 2008, 04:30 AM	#507 (permalink)
kieren Sappling Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: sydney Posts: 24	Re: It's just a Joke! I cant remember the last time i laughed so hard i ages

15th August 2008, 09:47 PM	#508 (permalink)
funarty Semi-mature vigorous tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: townsville Q.L.D. Australia Posts: 184	Re: It's just a Joke! Meaty bites diet I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door. Stupid ....why else would I buy dog food??

16th August 2008, 05:07 AM	#509 (permalink)
clementine Mature tree Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Central Portugal Posts: 327	Re: It's just a Joke! A woman walked into a sex shop and spotted a Dildo that said, "This is the MAGIC DILDO", "It will satisfy all your needs!" "Voice activation, does what you tell it to!" Only $99!!!! Well, wow she thought, a bit expensive but if it does what it says, a bargain. She got the Magic DILDO home, stripped off and lay on the bed with the Magic Dildo beside her. "MAGIC DILDO my F'nny!" she commanded. The Magic Dildo jumped up and dived into her F'nny and began to pump away until, completely satisfied, she could take no more and commanded: "Magic Dildo STOP!" The Dildo continued to pump away and she began to panic. She again commanded: "Magic Dildo STOP!" Still it would not stop. She tried to pull it out but couldn't. She jumped out of bed and ran downstairs and into the street, screaming: "Help me, please Help me!" A policeman saw she was in distress and ran over to ask what the problem was. She told him:" I bought this MAGIC DILDO, it does everything you tell it, but now it won't stop!" The policeman looked at her in disbelief, "MAGIC DILDO my ARSE", he said . __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken! Builder in Central Portugal

18th August 2008, 02:48 AM	#510 (permalink)
Quintrex Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 546	Re: It's just a Joke! PRICELESS! The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 44 long.' Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' ' Been in the business 60 years.' Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The salesman said, 'Let's see...size 36.' Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.' The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.' New suit - $400 New shirt - $36 New underwear - $6 Second opinion - PRICELESS __________________ Heightmaster

18th August 2008, 02:49 AM	#511 (permalink)
Quintrex Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 546	Re: It's just a Joke! She'd been taught, 'Housework is a woman's job,' but one evening Joan arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table was set. She was astonished!! It turned out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who worked full-time and then had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.' The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.' 'But what about afterward?' asked her friends. 'Oh, that ..., Ralph was too tired.' God is good __________________ Heightmaster

18th August 2008, 03:46 PM	#512 (permalink)
funarty Semi-mature vigorous tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: townsville Q.L.D. Australia Posts: 184	Re: It's just a Joke! heheheh good one!

21st August 2008, 02:57 AM	#513 (permalink)
Done it Mature tree Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Parramatta. nsw. Australia. Posts: 374	Re: It's just a Joke! A husband and wife are doing their grocery shopping. The man picks up a case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans," he says. "Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping... A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart. "Whoa, what do you think you're doing?" asks the man. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says. The man replies, "So does the beer, and it's HALF THE PRICE!"

21st August 2008, 03:05 AM	#514 (permalink)
Done it Mature tree Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Parramatta. nsw. Australia. Posts: 374	Re: It's just a Joke! Just to be on the safe side, Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. 'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.' The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Good trade.'

21st August 2008, 04:41 AM	#515 (permalink)
Quintrex Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 546	Re: It's just a Joke! Coupla good one there Mate! __________________ Heightmaster

21st August 2008, 04:42 AM	#516 (permalink)
Quintrex Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 546	Re: It's just a Joke! LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN >> >> A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. >> 'I'd love to be eight again' she replied. >> >> On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of >> Coco Pops >> and jammy toasties! >> >> He took her to AltonTowersand put her on every ride in the park: >> * The Death Slide >> * The Wall of Fear >> * The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster >> >> Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. >> >> Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they >> went to >> a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra >> fries >> and a refreshing chocolate milkshake. >> >> Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic >> cartoon, a >> hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could! ! ! ! ! ! ! drink, her >> favourite >> lolly and M&Ms! >> >> >> What a fabulous adventure! >> >> Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed >> exhausted. >> He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked >> 'Well >> dear, what was it like being eight again?' >> >> Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total >> realisation...'I meant my dress size, you f***ing idiot !!!' >> >> >> __________________ Heightmaster

21st August 2008, 04:46 AM	#517 (permalink)
Quintrex Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 546	Re: It's just a Joke! Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the