It's just a Joke!

clementine · 26th July 2008, 09:41 AM

So, did y' stay or what?

treevet · 26th July 2008, 09:45 AM

Can't kiss and tell

logmauler · 27th July 2008, 04:37 PM

I was such a smartass when I was a kid...

I walked home from elementary school after a rough day. On my way up the long gravel driveway, a chicken ran out in front of me so I kicked it. I grumbled and walked along. Further up the driveway, the old pig waddled in front of me. I kicked it hard and walked along. When I got up to the old house, my mother had the stern look she always seemed to have.

"I saw you kick that chicken, boy. You're not getting any eggs for a week," she said firmly.

"I don't care, Mom," I replied.

"I saw you kick that pig, boy. You're not getting and bacon for a week," she said.

"I really don't care, Mom," I grumbled.

Just about that time, my dad got home from work. By his walk, you could tell he had a rough day. Our old cat ran out in front of him, and he gave it a sharp kick as he came up the driveway.

"Hey Mom," I said with a smile, "Can I tell dad what he's not getting for a week?"

Quintrex · 29th July 2008, 04:34 AM

Teacher Arrested
NEW YORK - A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. 'Al-gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.'
They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.'
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President

Ekka · 30th July 2008, 03:48 PM

YouTube - Hubby's Revenge

Therrin · 30th July 2008, 05:59 PM

Ahahahaha, that was hillarious.... the look on that lady's face!

treerat · 30th July 2008, 08:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ekka

YouTube - Hubby's Revenge

I got that one this morning and was waiting to post it tonight but you beat me to it. If I did that to my wife I don't think I would make it across the street she can shoot perdy good. That's some funny stuff.

My good bud sent this to me.....
Why can't you play UNO with mexicans
because they keep stealing the f-ing green cards.

treerat · 30th July 2008, 09:01 PM

I knew they would finally release the ingredients in viagra:
3% vitamin E
2% aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% vitamin C
5% spray starch
87% fix-a-flat

StrictlyPalms · 31st July 2008, 10:18 AM

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better,
even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit
Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can
is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my
desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
The Coke is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water
the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and
suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I
decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the
flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but also spill some on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter the flowers don't have
enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find
the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did
with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the
hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

treevet · 31st July 2008, 11:37 AM

Used to get that way when I smoked weed. Quit about 20 years ago and now I have another excuse (your mentioned disorder). Thanks

Likely filled up quota of cranial capacity. Maybe killed a few too many brain cells earlier on. Sure was a lot of fun in the process. (if I could remember it)

Ekka · 1st August 2008, 02:40 AM

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.

Quintrex · 1st August 2008, 02:45 AM

treevet · 1st August 2008, 06:02 AM

that s hard (no pun intended) on the imagination!

treerat · 1st August 2008, 07:33 AM

A Minnesota senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertiable out of a Detroit Lakes dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 MPH, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. ' Amazing,' he thought as he flew up highway 59 towards Mahnomen pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a State Patrol car behind him, blue and red lights flashing. He floored it to 100mph, then 110, the 120.
Suddenly he thought,"What am I doing?I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go"
The old gentleman paused, then said,"Years ago, my wife ran off with a MInnesota State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

'' Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper

Ekka · 1st August 2008, 03:49 PM

Good one!

A man and his wife were sitting in the lounge room and he said to her - "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug".

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all his beer.

clementine · 1st August 2008, 04:43 PM

This story apparently occurred on Auckland radio. One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.

Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ?

Brian: Yeah, sure.

Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock thismorning.

Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian ? Brian: Orrrrr ... about 10 minutes.

Presenter: 10 minutes ? Good one. And where did you do it mate ?

Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.

Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian !

Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.

Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?

Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ? Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.

Sharelle: Hi Brian.

Brian: Hi Sharelle.

Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.

Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.

Sharelle: O.K.

Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?

Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.

Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.

Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle ?

Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it ?

Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.

Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.

Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway .. just tell em.

Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the a*se !

Radio Silence

Advert

Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.

26th July 2008, 09:41 AM	#451 (permalink)
clementine Mature tree Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Central Portugal Posts: 327	Re: It's just a Joke! So, did y' stay or what? __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken! Builder in Central Portugal

26th July 2008, 09:45 AM	#452 (permalink)
treevet Veteran Heritage Status Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Cincinnati, Ohio, USA Posts: 1,490	Re: It's just a Joke! Can't kiss and tell

27th July 2008, 04:37 PM	#453 (permalink)
logmauler Sappling Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Newport,KY Posts: 8	Re: It's just a Joke! I was such a smartass when I was a kid... I walked home from elementary school after a rough day. On my way up the long gravel driveway, a chicken ran out in front of me so I kicked it. I grumbled and walked along. Further up the driveway, the old pig waddled in front of me. I kicked it hard and walked along. When I got up to the old house, my mother had the stern look she always seemed to have. "I saw you kick that chicken, boy. You're not getting any eggs for a week," she said firmly. "I don't care, Mom," I replied. "I saw you kick that pig, boy. You're not getting and bacon for a week," she said. "I really don't care, Mom," I grumbled. Just about that time, my dad got home from work. By his walk, you could tell he had a rough day. Our old cat ran out in front of him, and he gave it a sharp kick as he came up the driveway. "Hey Mom," I said with a smile, "Can I tell dad what he's not getting for a week?"

29th July 2008, 04:34 AM	#454 (permalink)
Quintrex Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 546	Re: It's just a Joke! Teacher Arrested NEW YORK - A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. 'Al-gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'. When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President __________________ Heightmaster

30th July 2008, 03:48 PM	#455 (permalink)
Ekka Admin - Dip Arb & Hort Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Brisbane Posts: 7,633	Re: It's just a Joke! YouTube - Hubby's Revenge __________________ Arborist Training in Australia\| Your Free Helping Guide Free Tree and Green Industry Link Directory .... Yes, I also SEO (Optimize) and build websites that fly high in Google Qualified Brisbane Tree Lopping \| Stump Grinding and Stump Removal Brisbane Brisbane Tree Care, Consultations, Developer, Tree and Arborist Reports Forum Sponsors

30th July 2008, 05:59 PM	#456 (permalink)
Therrin The Tree World Bandit Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Lancaster, Ca Posts: 1,387	Re: It's just a Joke! Ahahahaha, that was hillarious.... the look on that lady's face! __________________ Ken Fessia I.T.S.A. Tree Service (661) 916-4703

30th July 2008, 09:01 PM	#458 (permalink)
treerat Sappling Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Eastern Pa. Posts: 36	Re: It's just a Joke! I knew they would finally release the ingredients in viagra: 3% vitamin E 2% aspirin 2% Ibuprofen 1% vitamin C 5% spray starch 87% fix-a-flat

31st July 2008, 10:18 AM	#459 (permalink)
StrictlyPalms Semi-mature vigorous tree Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Orlando, Florida USA Posts: 159	Re: It's just a Joke! Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!! Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking. The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water. I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but also spill some on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn't washed the bills aren't paid there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.... Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!! __________________ Strictly Palms, Inc. Orlando, Florida USA

31st July 2008, 11:37 AM	#460 (permalink)
treevet Veteran Heritage Status Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Cincinnati, Ohio, USA Posts: 1,490	Re: It's just a Joke! Used to get that way when I smoked weed. Quit about 20 years ago and now I have another excuse (your mentioned disorder). Thanks Likely filled up quota of cranial capacity. Maybe killed a few too many brain cells earlier on. Sure was a lot of fun in the process. (if I could remember it)

1st August 2008, 02:40 AM	#461 (permalink)
Ekka Admin - Dip Arb & Hort Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Brisbane Posts: 7,633	Re: It's just a Joke! A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal. __________________ Arborist Training in Australia\| Your Free Helping Guide Free Tree and Green Industry Link Directory .... Yes, I also SEO (Optimize) and build websites that fly high in Google Qualified Brisbane Tree Lopping \| Stump Grinding and Stump Removal Brisbane Brisbane Tree Care, Consultations, Developer, Tree and Arborist Reports Forum Sponsors

1st August 2008, 02:45 AM	#462 (permalink)
Quintrex Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 546	Re: It's just a Joke! __________________ Heightmaster

1st August 2008, 06:02 AM	#463 (permalink)
treevet Veteran Heritage Status Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Cincinnati, Ohio, USA Posts: 1,490	Re: It's just a Joke! that s hard (no pun intended) on the imagination!

1st August 2008, 07:33 AM	#464 (permalink)
treerat Sappling Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Eastern Pa. Posts: 36	Re: It's just a Joke! A Minnesota senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertiable out of a Detroit Lakes dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 MPH, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. ' Amazing,' he thought as he flew up highway 59 towards Mahnomen pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a State Patrol car behind him, blue and red lights flashing. He floored it to 100mph, then 110, the 120. Suddenly he thought,"What am I doing?I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go" The old gentleman paused, then said,"Years ago, my wife ran off with a MInnesota State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back. '' Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper

1st August 2008, 03:49 PM	#465 (permalink)
Ekka Admin - Dip Arb & Hort Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Brisbane Posts: 7,633	Re: It's just a Joke! Good one! A man and his wife were sitting in the lounge room and he said to her - "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug". His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all his beer. __________________ Arborist Training in Australia\| Your Free Helping Guide Free Tree and Green Industry Link Directory .... Yes, I also SEO (Optimize) and build websites that fly high in Google Qualified Brisbane Tree Lopping \| Stump Grinding and Stump Removal Brisbane Brisbane Tree Care, Consultations, Developer, Tree and Arborist Reports Forum Sponsors

1st August 2008, 04:43 PM	#466 (permalink)
clementine Mature tree Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Central Portugal Posts: 327	Re: It's just a Joke! This story apparently occurred on Auckland radio. One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali. Last week the competition went like this: Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ? Brian: Yeah, sure. Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex? Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock thismorning. Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian ? Brian: Orrrrr ... about 10 minutes. Presenter: 10 minutes ? Good one. And where did you do it mate ? Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that. Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian ! Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table. Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ? Brian: Yeah, alright. Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ? Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks. Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello. Sharelle: Hi Brian. Brian: Hi Sharelle. Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali. Brian: Just tell the truth Honey. Sharelle: O.K. Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ? Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio. Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them. Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work. Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle ? Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes. Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman. Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it ? Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no. Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here. Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway .. just tell em. Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the a*se ! Radio Silence Advert Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break. __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken! Builder in Central Portugal