It's just a Joke!

Quintrex · 17th July 2008, 03:28 AM

A mother and her very young son were flying Westjet Airlines from

Ottawa to Calgary.

The little boy who had been quietly looking out the window, turned

to his mother and said, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have

baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?'

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to go ask

the flight attendant.

So the boy walked down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, who

was busy serving drinks.

She smiled and asked, 'Did your Mom tell you to ask me?'

The boy answered, 'Yes, she did.'

'Well, then you go and tell your Mom that there are no baby airplanes

because Westjet always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that

to you.'

Quintrex · 17th July 2008, 03:29 AM

Twins

Siamese twins walk into a local bar in the US and park themselves on a bar stool. One says to the landlord, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molsons Canadian draft, please.'

Feeling a bit awkward, the publican tries to make polite conversation while drawing the beer. 'Been on holiday yet, lads?' 'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year, hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees.

'Ah, England!' says the landlord. Wonderful country . . . the history, the culture, the beer. .'

'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. 'Hamburgers and Molsons, that's for us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English ; they're so arrogant and rude.'

'So why keep going to England?' asks the barman.

'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

Quintrex · 17th July 2008, 03:32 AM

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
>
>
> The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
>
> As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
>
> She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last shop. She was jubilant.
>
> Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!
> While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'
>
> The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........
>
> The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.
> He's dead. What did you buy?'
>

Therrin · 17th July 2008, 02:52 PM

The airline one was awesome =)

JayD · 17th July 2008, 03:10 PM

The Airline joke was a cracker!

The shopping one brought back a memory I'm going to share with you.

Years ago when my daughter was still young between a todler and a kid you know what I mean, My wife and her went shopping, They get to the shops..And are about to "Charge It" and my daughter whips out my wallet and says I've got the money mum...LOL...It's inbred.

Quintrex · 18th July 2008, 03:17 AM

A drunk sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man reeked of alcohol, his tie was stained, his face was plastered with bright red lipstick, and a half empty bottle
of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap,
wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered, 'Well, I'll be ......' and returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope
does.

Quintrex · 21st July 2008, 12:20 AM

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,

doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

bill24 · 22nd July 2008, 05:07 AM

The Wisdom of An Older Man

=======================

An older man approached a very attractive (buxom) younger woman at a shopping centre.

'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir.
Do you know where your wife might be?'

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.'

newguy18 · 22nd July 2008, 05:13 AM

Bahahahahahaha,thats a good one.

Quintrex · 23rd July 2008, 12:02 AM

A Woman had a facelift for her 50th birthday
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'
'About 32,' is the reply.
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies,'I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you in McDonalds'

Quintrex · 23rd July 2008, 12:18 AM

(I was told not to repeat this.)

Why do they call it Pre Menstrual Tension?

Because mad cow disease was already taken!

bill24 · 23rd July 2008, 02:23 AM

Quintrex, all I got was a dirty look for PMT.......I reckon its a ripper!!

While hanging it on a few we might as well line up the Kiwi's.....

(Who are good blokes really........but its sort of traditional to have a go at them.........I expect replies!!!)

=======================================================

Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig are walking down a street in Bondi. Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair'

Ian says to his pal, ' Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.

Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie accint.'

'No worries, smiled Craig, I'll keep my mouth shut.'

They go in and Ian says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck and...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand , aren't you?'

'Well... Yis,' says a surprised Ian. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'

=======================================================

StrictlyPalms · 23rd July 2008, 11:03 PM

For you pet lovers out there:

WARNING! Don't let your new kitten read this!

DOG DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Ran back and forth in the hall! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play tug! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity.

--- My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are
fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my
contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat
something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps
me going is my dream of escape.

----In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

----Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at
their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts,
since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I
am....Bastards!

-----They continue to pick me up and handle me, an obvious attempt to
subvert me.

------There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I
was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard
that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn
what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

------Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one
of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.
I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

-----I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

-----Tonight I will again lay on their heads while they sleep and hope to
smother them.

Ekka · 24th July 2008, 03:12 AM

We have a cat just like that!

Bill24, you flamin cracked me up with that one, the way you wrote those words was spot on.

Quintrex · 24th July 2008, 03:27 AM

Know any Kiwis?

World Cup (Rugby)

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey Doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostate suckness ey" "What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer "Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

Quintrex · 24th July 2008, 03:28 AM

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first examination.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby. He checked the baby's weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight.

You don't have any milk'.

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

17th July 2008, 03:28 AM	#426 (permalink)
Quintrex Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 534	Re: It's just a Joke! A mother and her very young son were flying Westjet Airlines from Ottawa to Calgary. The little boy who had been quietly looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?' The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to go ask the flight attendant. So the boy walked down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, who was busy serving drinks. She smiled and asked, 'Did your Mom tell you to ask me?' The boy answered, 'Yes, she did.' 'Well, then you go and tell your Mom that there are no baby airplanes because Westjet always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you.' __________________ Heightmaster

17th July 2008, 03:29 AM	#427 (permalink)
Quintrex Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 534	Re: It's just a Joke! Twins Siamese twins walk into a local bar in the US and park themselves on a bar stool. One says to the landlord, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molsons Canadian draft, please.' Feeling a bit awkward, the publican tries to make polite conversation while drawing the beer. 'Been on holiday yet, lads?' 'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year, hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees. 'Ah, England!' says the landlord. Wonderful country . . . the history, the culture, the beer. .' 'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. 'Hamburgers and Molsons, that's for us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English ; they're so arrogant and rude.' 'So why keep going to England?' asks the barman. 'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.' __________________ Heightmaster

17th July 2008, 03:32 AM	#428 (permalink)
Quintrex Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 534	Re: It's just a Joke! A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. > > > The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. > > As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. > > She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last shop. She was jubilant. > > Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! > While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!' > > The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed........... > > The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. > He's dead. What did you buy?' > __________________ Heightmaster

17th July 2008, 02:52 PM	#429 (permalink)
Therrin The Tree World Bandit Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Lancaster, Ca Posts: 1,348	Re: It's just a Joke! The airline one was awesome =) __________________ Ken Fessia I.T.S.A. Tree Service (661) 916-4703

17th July 2008, 03:10 PM	#430 (permalink)
JayD Veteran Heritage Status Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 1,099	Re: It's just a Joke! The Airline joke was a cracker! The shopping one brought back a memory I'm going to share with you. Years ago when my daughter was still young between a todler and a kid you know what I mean, My wife and her went shopping, They get to the shops..And are about to "Charge It" and my daughter whips out my wallet and says I've got the money mum...LOL...It's inbred. __________________ Free Tree and Green Industry Link Directory

18th July 2008, 03:17 AM	#431 (permalink)
Quintrex Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 534	Re: It's just a Joke! A drunk sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man reeked of alcohol, his tie was stained, his face was plastered with bright red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.' The drunk muttered, 'Well, I'll be ......' and returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?' The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does. __________________ Heightmaster

21st July 2008, 12:20 AM	#432 (permalink)
Quintrex Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 534	Re: It's just a Joke! Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?' __________________ Heightmaster

22nd July 2008, 05:07 AM	#433 (permalink)
bill24 Semi-mature vigorous tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Victoria, AUST. Posts: 81	Re: It's just a Joke! The Wisdom of An Older Man ======================= An older man approached a very attractive (buxom) younger woman at a shopping centre. 'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?' The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?' 'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.'

22nd July 2008, 05:13 AM	#434 (permalink)
newguy18 Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Dead twig Florida. Posts: 3,362	Re: It's just a Joke! Bahahahahahaha,thats a good one. __________________ Have your say join us today. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzkd_m4ivmc http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzfzb...eature=related http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-OqK...eature=related

23rd July 2008, 12:02 AM	#435 (permalink)
Quintrex Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 534	Re: It's just a Joke! A Woman had a facelift for her 50th birthday She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?' 'About 32,' is the reply. 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.' Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!' While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies,'I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.' They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.' He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...How old am I?' He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.' Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?' The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?' 'I promise I won't,' she says. 'I was behind you in McDonalds' __________________ Heightmaster

23rd July 2008, 12:18 AM	#436 (permalink)
Quintrex Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 534	Re: It's just a Joke! (I was told not to repeat this.) Why do they call it Pre Menstrual Tension? Because mad cow disease was already taken! __________________ Heightmaster

23rd July 2008, 02:23 AM	#437 (permalink)
bill24 Semi-mature vigorous tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Victoria, AUST. Posts: 81	Re: It's just a Joke! Quintrex, all I got was a dirty look for PMT.......I reckon its a ripper!! While hanging it on a few we might as well line up the Kiwi's..... (Who are good blokes really........but its sort of traditional to have a go at them.........I expect replies!!!) ======================================================= Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig are walking down a street in Bondi. Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair' Ian says to his pal, ' Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune. Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie accint.' 'No worries, smiled Craig, I'll keep my mouth shut.' They go in and Ian says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck and...' The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand , aren't you?' 'Well... Yis,' says a surprised Ian. 'How the hill dud you know thet?' The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners' =======================================================

23rd July 2008, 11:03 PM	#438 (permalink)
StrictlyPalms Semi-mature vigorous tree Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Orlando, Florida USA Posts: 147	Re: It's just a Joke! For you pet lovers out there: WARNING! Don't let your new kitten read this! DOG DIARY 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00 PM - Ran back and forth in the hall! My favorite thing! 5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing! 7:00 PM - Got to play tug! My favorite thing! 8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing! CAT DIARY Day 983 of my captivity. --- My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. ----In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. ----Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am....Bastards! -----They continue to pick me up and handle me, an obvious attempt to subvert me. ------There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. ------Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. -----I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. -----Tonight I will again lay on their heads while they sleep and hope to smother them. __________________ Strictly Palms, Inc. Orlando, Florida USA

24th July 2008, 03:12 AM	#439 (permalink)
Ekka Admin - Dip Arb & Hort Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Brisbane Posts: 7,979	Re: It's just a Joke! We have a cat just like that! Bill24, you flamin cracked me up with that one, the way you wrote those words was spot on. __________________ Remember to use the "search" function, if you have answers/questions post them so everyone can benefit. Free Tree and Green Industry Link Directory Qualified Brisbane Tree Lopping \| Stump Grinding and Stump Removal Brisbane Brisbane Tree Care, Consultations, Developer, Tree and Arborist Reports Forum Sponsors

24th July 2008, 03:27 AM	#440 (permalink)
Quintrex Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 534	Re: It's just a Joke! Know any Kiwis? World Cup (Rugby) Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. "Hey Doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal. "No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!" The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust. The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostate suckness ey" "What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer "Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls." "Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!" __________________ Heightmaster

24th July 2008, 03:28 AM	#441 (permalink)
Quintrex Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 534	Re: It's just a Joke! A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first examination. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby. He checked the baby's weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk'. I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.' __________________ Heightmaster