It's just a Joke!

JayD · 9th July 2008, 02:58 AM

Funny Stuff...LOL...

Quintrex · 9th July 2008, 03:43 AM

Old Timer Sex

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
__________________

bill24 · 9th July 2008, 04:31 AM

Good one QUINTREX, I'll hae to tell some local dairy farmers that one, they're into elec. fences, but with different purpose.

JayD · 9th July 2008, 05:06 AM

Another good one Quintrex!...LOL...

Ace Master · 9th July 2008, 05:21 AM

..lol..
just like pissing on a electric fence.

Quintrex · 11th July 2008, 03:38 AM

A *Catholic Priest*, an *Indian Doctor*, a *rich Chinse Businessman* and

an *Aussie* were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of

golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting

for fifteen minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such

poor golf!'

The Chinse Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greenkeeper. Let's

have a word with him.'

'Hello, George!' said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group

ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greenkeeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire

fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last

year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special

prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my

ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the

fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'

The Aussie said, 'Why can't they f***ing play at night?'

JayD · 11th July 2008, 03:46 AM

I laughed, The missus just shook her head..LOL..

Ekka · 11th July 2008, 04:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Quintrex

The Aussie said, 'Why can't they f***ing play at night?'

LOL, read my f***ing mind!

kiwi_tree_steve · 11th July 2008, 05:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Quintrex

The Aussie said, 'Why can't they f***ing play at night?'

thats awsome!!!!!!

newguy18 · 11th July 2008, 07:30 PM

thats a good one.

Quintrex · 14th July 2008, 01:19 AM

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual lap dance, big boy?”

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real ##### tonight, Dave.”
__________________

phill ellison · 14th July 2008, 01:48 AM

LOL

where the hell you getting them all from, keep up the good work on the entertainment as there is nothing better than a good laugh at the end of the day

JayD · 14th July 2008, 02:01 AM

LOL....

bill24 · 14th July 2008, 03:12 AM

Beauty QUINTREX, =this one is a bit long, but has a few laughs!

FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.

Test 1 Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-

1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.

2. Leave it there.

3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-

1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the
counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself

2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly
to their head office.

3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2 Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their
methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance
levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest
ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits,
toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have
all the answers.

Test 3 Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag
weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or
some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.

2. At 10pm , put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to
sleep.

3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am

4. Set the alarm for 3am .

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.

6. Go to bed at 2.45am .

7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am .

9. Put the alarm on for 5am . Get up when it goes off.

10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4 Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5 Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.

2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.

3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.

4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.

5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6 Going For a Walk

Wait
Go out the front door
Come back in again
Go out
Come back in again
Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece
of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the
neighbours come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8 Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you
can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you
intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.

2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your
sight.

3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having
children.

Test 9 Feeding a 1 year-old

1. Hollow out a melon

2. Make a small hole in the side

3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side

4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into
the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.

5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.

6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10 TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney,
Teletubbies and Disney.

2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11 Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains

2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean
walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?

4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the
floor & leave it there.

Test 12 Long Trips with Toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important
Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include
occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.

2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13 Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.

2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt
sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is
a child in the room.

Test 14 Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.

2. Put on your finest work attire.

3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it

4. Stir

5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt

6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture

7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel

8. Do not change (you have no time).

9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!

(I like the octopus......how true........Bill 24.)

JayD · 14th July 2008, 03:18 AM

I started to laugh then stoped

!..It's to close to the truth..LOL.

bill24 · 14th July 2008, 03:40 AM

Dredges up a lot of memories mate, did we really do that?

9th July 2008, 02:58 AM	#401 (permalink)
JayD Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 995	Re: It's just a Joke! Funny Stuff...LOL... __________________ Free Tree and Green Industry Link Directory

9th July 2008, 03:43 AM	#402 (permalink)
Quintrex Mature tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 493	Re: It's just a Joke! Old Timer Sex This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy! The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.' OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.' __________________ __________________ Heightmaster

9th July 2008, 04:31 AM	#403 (permalink)
bill24 Semi-mature vigorous tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Victoria, AUST. Posts: 54	Re: It's just a Joke! Good one QUINTREX, I'll hae to tell some local dairy farmers that one, they're into elec. fences, but with different purpose.

9th July 2008, 05:06 AM	#404 (permalink)
JayD Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 995	Re: It's just a Joke! Another good one Quintrex!...LOL... __________________ Free Tree and Green Industry Link Directory

9th July 2008, 05:21 AM	#405 (permalink)
Ace Master Mature tree Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Australia, Vic, Melbourne Posts: 286	Re: It's just a Joke! ..lol.. just like pissing on a electric fence. __________________ The Mt Dandenong Ranges Tree Specialists

11th July 2008, 03:38 AM	#406 (permalink)
Quintrex Mature tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 493	Re: It's just a Joke! A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinse Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them. The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!' The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!' The Chinse Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money' The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greenkeeper. Let's have a word with him.' 'Hello, George!' said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?' George the greenkeeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.' The group fell silent for a moment. The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.' The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.' The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls' The Aussie said, 'Why can't they f***ing play at night?' __________________ Heightmaster

11th July 2008, 03:46 AM	#407 (permalink)
JayD Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 995	Re: It's just a Joke! I laughed, The missus just shook her head..LOL.. __________________ Free Tree and Green Industry Link Directory

11th July 2008, 07:30 PM	#410 (permalink)
newguy18 Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Live Oak Florida home of the crapiest trees you will ever see. Posts: 2,833	Re: It's just a Joke! thats a good one. __________________ Have your say join us today. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzkd_m4ivmc http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzfzb...eature=related http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-OqK...eature=related

14th July 2008, 01:19 AM	#411 (permalink)
Quintrex Mature tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 493	Re: It's just a Joke! A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.” A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual lap dance, big boy?” Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real ##### tonight, Dave.” __________________ __________________ Heightmaster

14th July 2008, 01:48 AM	#412 (permalink)
phill ellison Semi-mature vigorous tree Join Date: May 2008 Location: new zealand Posts: 140	Re: It's just a Joke! LOL where the hell you getting them all from, keep up the good work on the entertainment as there is nothing better than a good laugh at the end of the day

14th July 2008, 02:01 AM	#413 (permalink)
JayD Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 995	Re: It's just a Joke! LOL.... __________________ Free Tree and Green Industry Link Directory

14th July 2008, 03:12 AM	#414 (permalink)
bill24 Semi-mature vigorous tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Victoria, AUST. Posts: 54	Re: It's just a Joke! Beauty QUINTREX, =this one is a bit long, but has a few laughs! FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN. Test 1 Preparation Women: To prepare for pregnancy:- 1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. 2. Leave it there. 3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans. Men: To prepare for children:- 1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself 2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. 3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time. Test 2 Knowledge Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers. Test 3 Nights To discover how the nights will feel: 1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. 2. At 10pm , put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep. 3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am 4. Set the alarm for 3am . 5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea. 6. Go to bed at 2.45am . 7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. 8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am . 9. Put the alarm on for 5am . Get up when it goes off. 10. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL. Test 4 Dressing Small Children 1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag. 2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out. Time Allowed: 5 minutes. Test 5 Cars 1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon. 2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. 3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player. 4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat. 5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. Test 6 Going For a Walk Wait Go out the front door Come back in again Go out Come back in again Go out again Walk down the front path Walk back up it Walk down it again Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk. Test 7 Repeat everything you say at least 5 times. Test 8 Grocery Shopping 1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. 2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. 3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children. Test 9 Feeding a 1 year-old 1. Hollow out a melon 2. Make a small hole in the side 3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side 4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane. 5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone. 6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. Test 10 TV 1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney. 2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years. Test 11 Mess Can you stand the mess children make? To find out: 1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains 2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. 3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look? 4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor & leave it there. Test 12 Long Trips with Toddlers 1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet. 2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler. Test 13 Conversations 1. Start talking to an adult of your choice. 2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room. Test 14 Getting ready for work 1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. 2. Put on your finest work attire. 3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it 4. Stir 5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt 6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture 7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel 8. Do not change (you have no time). 9. Go directly to work You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!! (I like the octopus......how true........Bill 24.)

14th July 2008, 03:18 AM	#415 (permalink)
JayD Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 995	Re: It's just a Joke! I started to laugh then stoped!..It's to close to the truth..LOL. __________________ Free Tree and Green Industry Link Directory

14th July 2008, 03:40 AM	#416 (permalink)
bill24 Semi-mature vigorous tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Victoria, AUST. Posts: 54	Re: It's just a Joke! Dredges up a lot of memories mate, did we really do that?