It's just a Joke!

Quintrex

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him 80 dollars a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 dollars a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

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Heightmaster

treevet

Good one Quint ......

Two rednecks, Duane and Larry, are sitting at their favorite bar drinking beer. Duane turns to Larry and says, "you know , I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes." Dave thinks it is a good idea and the two leave. The next day, Duane goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes, Math, English, History and Logic. "logic? Duane says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That"s true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"Yes, I have a family".

"I'm not done yet.. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing. You were able to find out all that because I have a weed eater." Excited to take the class now, Duane shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go to meet Larry at the bar. He tells Larry about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic? Larry says, "What's that?"

Duane says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."

newguy18

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phill ellison

WHOS GUILTY? wife dreaming in the middle of the night suddenly shouts "Quick my husbands back", man gets up jumps out the window and realizes "damn i am the husband".

newguy18

Good one Phil.

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clementine

I still like this old chestnut:

Three nuns in a church on a very hot day decide to remove their robes because of the intense heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day.
So, about an hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over the pews clear across the chapel.

The three nuns call out;
"Who is it?"

A voice replies;
"It's the blind man!"

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says;

"Nice boobs! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

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clementine

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so
fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

No s...!

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clementine

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized
that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling with the sheep.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.
That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual, with his two animal friends.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again..
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned
over to Hillary and told her;
"Ya know, I haven't had sex for months".
Hillary batted her eyelashes and said;
"Well, if there is anything I can do for you, just ask!"

"Well, he said,"




"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

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Builder in Central Portugal

Ekka

LOL, very good!

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newguy18

would you mind walking the dog.I love it.

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Quintrex

What if……








Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."



Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."



Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"



Hardy: "Sorry sir?"



Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"



Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."



Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."



Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."



Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."



Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."



Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ........... full speed ahead."



Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."



Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."



Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."



Nelson: "What?"



Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."



Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."



Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."



Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."



Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."



Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."



Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."



Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."



Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"



Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."



Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."



Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"



Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."



Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"



Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."



Nelson: "We're not?"



Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."



Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."



Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."



Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."



Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"



Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"



Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."



Nelson: "What about sodomy?"



Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."



Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."

__________________
Heightmaster

Quintrex

Heaven or Hell ??





An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with
the conversation.


Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go there,'says St. Peter.
'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes
for that.'

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Heightmaster

phill ellison

LOL very good mate

kiwi_tree_steve

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newguy18

thats bad.

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newguy18