It's just a Joke!

clementine

Ol?, G'day,

Just a quicky:

Two fishing mates are quietly sitting in a boat on the waters of an inlet of the Darling river near Bourke, fishing & drinking beer.. Almost silently so as not to scare the fish away.
Eric says," I think I'm going to divorce my wife- she hasn't spoken to me in over 5 months."
Sean continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, " You'd better think it over mate, women like that are hard to find."

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!
Builder in Central Portugal

JayD

Hi Clementine,
I got a chuckle out of it, and it passed on the run it by the wife test,
She just pulled the face.

All The Best
JayD

__________________

Level 4 Arborist

Quintrex

Ha ha ha, love it!

2 old blokes sitting in a boat fishing one day when a funeral procession drives over a nearby bridge. One of the old boys stands up, takes off his hat and bows his head, then sits back down in the boat after it's passed.
His mate says "that was very respectful of you"
He replies " Well, I WAS married to her for 42 years"

Quintrex

You've started me now!
Wife standing naked in front of the mirror, to husband " I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment"
Husband " Your eyesight's perfect"

clementine

Couple a crackers there Quintrex

After two visits to my Doctor and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 84?"
He asked,
"Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no!" I said, "and I'm not doing any drugs either."
Then he asked,
"Do you eat rump steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said,
"No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
He asked,
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked,
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."



He looked at me and said, "Then, why the hell do you want to live to be 84?"

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!
Builder in Central Portugal

Ekka

That was great, had a darn good laugh.

__________________


Free Tree and Green Industry Deep Link Directory ... Yes, I also SEO (Optimize) and build websites that fly high in Google
Qualified Brisbane Tree Lopping | Stump Grinding Brisbane
Brisbane - Gold Coast Consulting Arborist, Tree and Arborist Reports | Project Arborist

pomme

a convict breaks into a house, ties the husband and wife up. he jumps on the wife and kisses her ear then runs into the bathroom. the husband whispers to his wife "satisfy him or he ll kill us both, is saw the way he kissed you just be strong i love you"
the wife replies " he didn t kiss me he whispered in my ear he s gay, horny and looking for vaseline. i told him its in the bathroom. lets see who s fu**ing strong now!"

pomme

ten things men know about women
1 they have a vagina
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10 oh and tits

Ekka

NEW SOUTH WALES POLICE FORCE ? MEDIA RELEASE

POLICE WARNING

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called ?Beer? to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps, and in large ?kegs?. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade her target to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for "no strings attached" sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened feeling that ?something bad? occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life?s savings in a familiar scam known as ?A Relationship?.

It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as ?Marriage?. Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you just look up ?Golf Courses?? in the yellow pages.

__________________


Free Tree and Green Industry Deep Link Directory ... Yes, I also SEO (Optimize) and build websites that fly high in Google
Qualified Brisbane Tree Lopping | Stump Grinding Brisbane
Brisbane - Gold Coast Consulting Arborist, Tree and Arborist Reports | Project Arborist

Quintrex

Pissed meself laughing at that one.

I may have been a victim in a previous life!
______________________________________________________________________

Man on deathbed with mysterious illness, speaking to his wife "Darling, I have confession to make"
Wife " shush, don't worry about it now"
Husband " I have to tell you, I was unfaithful to you"
Wife " Never mind that now"
Husband " It was with your sister, for years "
Wife " I know dear, that's why I poisoned you "

Quintrex

Another poor buggar on the deathbed, this bloke a farmer, saying his last words to his wife;
Beryl, you were with me all through the biggest drought in history. then we we lost everything in the big fires of '66, you were there.
When we got on our feet again and then foot and mouth killed all the stock, there you were.
Beryl,I reckon you're bloody bad luck!

clementine

Great stuff Eric!

Three of the smartest male engineering students at Brisbane university were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the female human body.
One said “it was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all of the joints and the skeleton.” Another said “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has millions of circuits and electrical connections.”
The last said “Actually it must have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipe through a recreational area?”

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!
Builder in Central Portugal

Ekka

Scoop, check out the test ya gotta pass, piss easy!

__________________


Free Tree and Green Industry Deep Link Directory ... Yes, I also SEO (Optimize) and build websites that fly high in Google
Qualified Brisbane Tree Lopping | Stump Grinding Brisbane
Brisbane - Gold Coast Consulting Arborist, Tree and Arborist Reports | Project Arborist

clementine

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.

Karl said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying
chickens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on
the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the
eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Emilie raised her hand and said,
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is:
''Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Emilie."
" Mick, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Cheryl. Aunty Cheryl
was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got
hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3
bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then
she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed
seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did
your father teach you from that horrible story?"


"Stay the F*** away from Aunty Cheryl when she's been on the piss."
_________________

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!
Builder in Central Portugal

Ekka

LOL, Aunty Cheryl is one tough gal!

__________________


Free Tree and Green Industry Deep Link Directory ... Yes, I also SEO (Optimize) and build websites that fly high in Google
Qualified Brisbane Tree Lopping | Stump Grinding Brisbane
Brisbane - Gold Coast Consulting Arborist, Tree and Arborist Reports | Project Arborist

Quintrex

A class of 10 year olds were asked by the teacher to use, in a sentence, a new word every day. Today's word is CONTAGIOUS.
Roger, the teachers pet, stood up and said 'when I had the flu last month, my mum said I can't go to school because flu is CONTAGIOUS and some one else may catch it from me.'
Teacher; 'That's very good Roger.'
Next, little Emma stood up and said " I had measles and the doctor said it was CONTAGIOUS"
Teacher " Well done Emma"
Next, little Irish Sean stood up and said "the man next door is painting his whole house with a 2" brush and my Dad said it will take the CONTAGIOUS"

THE TEACHER FAINTED!

Ekka

LOL, that's bad!

__________________


Free Tree and Green Industry Deep Link Directory ... Yes, I also SEO (Optimize) and build websites that fly high in Google
Qualified Brisbane Tree Lopping | Stump Grinding Brisbane
Brisbane - Gold Coast Consulting Arborist, Tree and Arborist Reports | Project Arborist

Sean Freeman

Here's a brief explaination why ale is always better than.......

An ale always goes down easy

An ale doesn't care when you come

An ale doesn't get jealous when you grab another Guinness

An ale won't get upset if you come home and have another ale on your breath

After you've had an ale, the bottle is still worth 10 cents

Ale doesn't demand equality

Ale is always wet

Ale is never late

Ale never has a headache

Ale stains wash out

Hangovers go away

If you change ales you don't have to pay alimony

If you pour an ale right you'll always get a good head

When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up an ale

When your ale goes flat, you can toss it out, or drink it cause its still good

You always know when you're the first to pop an ale

You can always have more than one ale in one night and not feel guilty, in fact its often better the second or third ale!!

You can enjoy an ale all month long

You can have an ale in public, well at least in a beer garden

You can share an ale with your friends, so long as they bring their own!

You don't have to wash an ale before it tastes good

You don't have to wine and dine an ale, but it makes all food taste better

Your ale will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football

__________________
Sean

Trees are poems that earth writes upon the sky,
We fell them down and turn them into paper,
That we may record our emptiness.
- Kahlil Gibran


http://wanderingarborist.blogspot.com/
http://veterantreegroup.blogspot.com/

http://www.youtube.com/user/VeteranTreeGroup

Quintrex

Teacher asking 10 year olds to use words in a sentence.
"Who can use the URINATE in a sentence?"
Little Johnny puts up his hand. Teacher looks for other children to answer, as Johnny often comes out with inappropriate answers. No-one else responds, so she braces herself and says " ok Johnny, whats your sentence?"
Johnny " Miss, URINATE, but if you had bigger t@@ts you'd be a ten!"

clementine

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live".

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you".

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!
Builder in Central Portugal

Ekka

LOL!

__________________


Free Tree and Green Industry Deep Link Directory ... Yes, I also SEO (Optimize) and build websites that fly high in Google
Qualified Brisbane Tree Lopping | Stump Grinding Brisbane
Brisbane - Gold Coast Consulting Arborist, Tree and Arborist Reports | Project Arborist

Quintrex

Was depressed last night, so I rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afganistan. Told them I was suicidal and they got all bloody excited and asked if I could fly a plane!

clementine

A man gets shipwrecked and is the only survivor.

He finds himself on a desert island and is there for years, no ship ever comes by and after a time he thinks to himself he'll just need to get used to it. But how he misses the comforts of home and all the fun things he used to do.

One morning he sees a speck on the horizon and he thinks it's just an halluciation, but no, it gets closer and closer and yes, it's a lovely sleek sailing boat.

It comes into the bay and he is astonished to see it is being sailed by an astonishingly beautiful woman, with tresses of golden hair, full womanhood everywhere! It's like a dream.

She sees him and smiles the most gorgeous of smiles.

"Why hello!" she says, "if I had known you were here I would have visited a long time ago. Are there still a lot of mangos on this island?"

"Why yes, it's practically all I eat!" says the man.

"Oh good, my island doesn't grow them you see."

He helps her fill her boat with mangos and she invites him to come and stay with her.

"I live alone." she says

He pinches himself as he steps onto the boat.

"You must have good boatbuilders on your island." he says, caressing the lovely polished woodwork.

"Oh no, when I say alone, I mean completely alone. I'm the only inhabitant of the island."

"How did you come by this boat then?" he asks.

"Oh, I built it myself." she says dismissively as she hoists the sails up.

He is in absolute wonder at this clever, beautiful creature, but his wonder knows no bounds when they arrive at her island, and there close to the shore is a stunning villa.

"Wow!" he says, "you were lucky landing here with that lovely house and all."

"Oh," she says looking puzzled, "but it wasn't here, I built it myself."

He goes into the house with her and it is fabulous.

"Would you care for a drink?" she asks, "My mango spirits I distilled a few years ago will be just right for drinking."

So saying she pours two glasses, He sips at it, then gulps it down! No whisky, or gin, or vodka ever had such a wonderful effect.

"Wow!" he says, "that's amazing."

"I'll bet you could die for a cigarette too!" she smiles.

"You mean-"

"Yes," she purrs rather embarrassed, "I found a plant here that makes a very passable cigarette when dried and chopped up."

"You're not joking!" he exclaims after his first drag, "Heavenly!"

He is so amazed by this woman's skills that he doesn't notice at first that music is playing.

"I can hear music!" he says, "how is that?"

"Oh I built a gramophone, a bit rough, but it works. I made the records out of flat highly polished stones and with a diamond and a rough bit of apparatus I slung together using bones, sinews and plant fibres managed to get it to cut the stones whilst I played on a seashell horn. Not perfect of course, but, well," she sighs, "you need to do your best don't you?"

In the company of this woman, with drink, cigarettes and wafting music he forgets he is miles from civilisation.

She meanwhile is not forgetting she might be smart, but she is all woman, and he seems incredibly handsome after all these years she has been alone.

"Listen," she says, "we have the drinks, the cigarettes, and the music. We could be in a bar together, couldn't we?" and she giggles.

He smiles and laughs too!

"Well," she says, "after a few drinks, wouldn't we want to have some REAL fun together?"

"WOW!!!!!!!!" the guy nearly drops his drink as he looks round the room wildly,

"Don't tell me you've gone and built a pool table in 'ere as well?"

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!
Builder in Central Portugal

pomme

Big gay Simon goes to the doctors to get his test results, the doc say s "I'm sorry simon you ve got aids" Simon is devastated and asked the doctor what to do.The doc says "eat 1 sausage 1 head of cabbage 20 jalapeno peppers 40 walnuts 40 peanuts half a box of bran cereal and top it off with a gallon of prune juice" . " will this cure me?" asks Simon.
"No" says the doc "but it will give you a better idea of what your arse is for"

clementine

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have
a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him
down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really
heavy."


An elderly couple were attending their usual Sunday church service, about halfway through the old girl leans over and shouts to her husband:

" I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He shouts:

" Put a new battery in your hearing aid?

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!
Builder in Central Portugal

Quintrex

ha, good ones. You got me again!

ninikins

Ohno. The cross eyed dog one made me REALLY laugh. I worry about my sense of humour - help!

Ekka

Clemantine does get some good ones, most I haven't heard before.

__________________


Free Tree and Green Industry Deep Link Directory ... Yes, I also SEO (Optimize) and build websites that fly high in Google
Qualified Brisbane Tree Lopping | Stump Grinding Brisbane
Brisbane - Gold Coast Consulting Arborist, Tree and Arborist Reports | Project Arborist

Sean Freeman

I get a kick out of thinking how he fares trying them out at his local tavern.......
Translation would be a real pain!!!!

__________________
Sean

Trees are poems that earth writes upon the sky,
We fell them down and turn them into paper,
That we may record our emptiness.
- Kahlil Gibran


http://wanderingarborist.blogspot.com/
http://veterantreegroup.blogspot.com/

http://www.youtube.com/user/VeteranTreeGroup

JayD

Hi Folks,
I got a laught out of this.

Attached Images

ATT14034111cop.jpg (176.7 KB, 121 views)

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Level 4 Arborist