It's just a Joke!

DBS

Poor Old Man

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day"
The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?"

The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"

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newguy18

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old schooler

Daveindubuque

A young boy was awoken one night by the sounds of his moms cries. He went too see what all the noise was about. There he saw mom and dad in the middle of passionate love makeing. His dad seeing the boy. Stopped and took his son back to his room, explaining that what he had seen was a natural act between a man and a woman. Then giveing him a chuck on the shoulder with a smile said "she enjoyed what was happening". A couple of days went by and dad was in the shop. He saw grandma go into the house. After 10 min. he heard her screaming and yelling. Dad runs into the house and sees his son on grandma! He yells at his son. WHAT ARE YOU DOING!! The son says "IT AINT SO FUNNY WHEN IT IS YOUR MOM!!!!"

Eric Frei

LOL, that's a shocker.

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newguy18

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old schooler

pomme

Man Laws

At last some guy has taken the time to write this all down

We always hear ' the rules '
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. AL L men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's
wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...
Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as football
or cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh

(Someone sent this to me in an email and the authorship of it was "unspecified". My thanks and attribution to whomever wrote it.)

Eric Frei

LOL, that's pretty accurate.

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newguy18

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a Double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. the brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... 'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!'

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old schooler

newguy18

A few years ago, I ran a home remodeling business and a landscaping business too.
Here you go Daryl.
One day I had been called to a lady's house to giver her a bid on remodeling her kitechen and bathroom. As I moved around her house making notes. I would look out the window of the house and yell "GREEN SIDE UP" every once in a while.

As we moved around in the house, I had to yell "GREEN SIDE UP" periodically out the window.

Finally the the lady of the house asked me "why do you keep yelling green side up?"

I told her that I had an new lawn crew installing a sod lawn across the street and 3 of the employees were brand new that day and blonde to boot.

I had to keep checkin on them....

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old schooler

newguy18

A.A.A.D.D.
- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!









Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better,even though I have it!!







Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -





Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:




I decide to water my garden.


As I turn on the hose in the driveway,






I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.



As I start toward the garage,

I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,

put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,

and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back

on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,

since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,

and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,

so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks,

but first I need to push the Coke aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm,

and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.






At the end of the day:


the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,





I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
and I'm really tired.



I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!!

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old schooler

newguy18

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

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old schooler

oldsouth

96% of people say "oh s--t" before going into a ditch the other 4% are from South Carolina and they say "here hold my beer and watch this s--t"

kind of lame but i get a kick out of it.

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oldsouth

One day a girl goes to her mother and asked "Mom is it true that babies come from where a boy puts is penis" the mother replies "yes that is true" then the daughter says "Wouldn't it brake my jaw then"

even worse than the first. I think I am done with the jokes

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newguy18

thats ones good for a chuckle.

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old schooler

newguy18

The trunk monkey.

Trunk Monkey Videos - Trunkmonkey Training Headquarters - Suburban Auto Group Trunk Monkey #1 - Road Rage

Trunk Monkey Videos - Trunkmonkey Training Headquarters - Suburban Auto Group Trunk Monkey #3 - Want a Donut?

Trunk Monkey Videos - Trunkmonkey Training Headquarters - Suburban Auto Group Trunk Monkey #4 - Thrown off a Bridge

Trunk Monkey Videos - Trunkmonkey Training Headquarters - Suburban Auto Group Trunk Monkey #6 - Chaperone

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old schooler

newguy18

.

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old schooler

newguy18

This is for the gals but you guys might get a kick out of it.


One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home fromwork. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and toldhim that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my
way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.


Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly:
'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'


He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I tooka seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressurewas becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room Iseized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.


Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stinkwas worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewellssignalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few moretimes with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.


My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.


At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seatedaround the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'


I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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old schooler

newguy18

CHINESE PROVERBS

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok .

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wron g: ma n with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

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old schooler

newguy18

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old schooler

Therrin

Eric Frei

The lady at the dinner table cracked me up!

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Therrin

okay okay that last one, the "commercial",wapretty good

newguy18

WARNING: This is not to provoke but for fun...
If you take it any other way then please leave this thread
now so as not to raise any political dispute which may
arise.


> Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?
> Here is a little test that will help you decide
>
> You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
> children.
> Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the
> corner,
> locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the
> knife,
> and charges at you.
> You are carrying a Glock 40 cal, and you are an expert shot. You
> have mere
> seconds before he reaches you and your family.
>
> What do you do?
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Democrat's Answer
> Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
> Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
> Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
> Could we run away?
> What does my wife think? What about the kids?
> Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out
> of his
> hand?
> What does the law say about this situation?
> Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?Why am I
> carrying a
> loaded gun, what kind of message does this send to society and to my
> children?
> Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
> Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to
> wound me?
> If I were to grab his knees and hold on , could my family get away
> while he
> was stabbing me?
> Should I call 9-1-1 ?
> Why is this street so deserted?
> We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a
> happier,
> healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
> This is all so confusing!
> I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a
> consensus.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Republican's Answer:
> BANG!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Redneck's Answer:
> BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click....
> (sounds of reloading)
> BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click
> Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver
> Tips or
> Hollow Points?'
> Son: 'You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?'
> Wife: 'You are NOT taking that to the taxidermist!'
>
> Ok You decide.....
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old schooler

FlashD

glad i don't have kids to cheer me on, otherwise i might be the redneck.

bill24

An Oldie, but a goodie................


"THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER"



Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, He Un-characteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the Years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your arse, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, He may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.



Stupid, stupid man.


Regards to All.

clementine

Only an Aussie could pull this one off!
From the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.

Recently a police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Later in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. Infact he fell over almost immediately.

The man wrestled himself up and stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and after trying his keys in five other vehicles, the man managed to find his own car, which he unlocked and fell into. He was in there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn several times and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few feet, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, pulled the man over and carried out a
breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The police officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station, this breathalyser equipment must be broken."



"I doubt that", said the man, "Tonight's my turn to be the designated decoy".

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Jeff Darby

LOL...Clemy,Pure Aussie monkey cunning.......You got to watch those cunning Roo's from downunder!

Truth be known they would have nailed him before he moved the car!..You get caught with your key's on you and your over the limit and in your car even with the engine off and parked your gone!

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Join the Australian Tree Association...Have your voice heard !

Arboriculture, A life long study for some, a passing phase for others

© Jeffrey J Darby 2011

clementine

Is that right JayD? I thought that you were OK in a private carpark so they had to wait till you hit the highway.

They must have tightened up a lot since I got done.

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clementine

How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?


1 clueless individual to start the thread.
14 to talk of similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb can be changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
1 to move it to the Lighting thread.
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals thread.
7 to point out spelling and grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
5 to contradict the spell and grammar checkers.
3 to correct the spelling and grammar contradictors.
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum.
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too!".
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
4 to say "didn't we go discuss this already on a previous thread?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before touching them or posting questions about them".

Finally, a week later,

1 thread starter changes the light bulb and posts that the light bulb has been successfully changed and thanks everybody for their help.

Oh, and not forgetting,

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months later and start it off all over again.

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Done it

You have no idea how funny this is, unless you were just over at another place, how many syllables in squirrel, Al Gore & drum chippers. No wonder Newguy didn't mind being banned.