It's just a Joke!

playfordtree

Speaking of airline stewards,

i was on a flight just the other day, and the cute flight attendant said to me
"would you like some headphones?"

I said,
"thanks, and how did you know my name is phones?"

__________________
Euthanizing South Australian Trees
since 2007

newguy18

The relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
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old schooler

newguy18

A man owned a small farm in Indiana.

The Indiana State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."
"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," said the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

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old schooler

newguy18

Southern Thinking

Georgia:

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University ofGeorgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,

'Everything but my earrings.'

************************************************** *************

Alabama:

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck'Where's Henry?' the others asked.

'Henry had a stroke of some kind He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.'

You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.

'A tough call,' nodded the hunter.

'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'

************************************************** *************

Louisiana:

A senior at LSU was overheard saying, 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.'

When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

************************************************** ***********

Mississippi:

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'

Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?

'The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got the license number.'

************************************************** ************

Tennessee:

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.

The trooper asked, 'Got any ID?'

The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'

************************************************** ************

Arkansas:

A man in Little Rock had a flat tire, pulled onto the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'

The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'

The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.'

************************************************** ************

And my favorite:

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North...

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old schooler

Therrin

This one is kind of funny, but is actually a true story. I know because it happened to me.

I was in a night class at the college, History 108 or some such. Proffessor graded on a curve... at a certain point there were only 8 of us left in the class. One night while on a break, just before taking a test, we all decided that we would all fill in spot "B" on our scantrons... every single person, and see how he handled it. (grading on a scale....not only would we all fail, but we'd all ace it too)

Luckily, we didn't have some jerk in our midst, and we pulled it off. Took a minute or so for the 8 of us to fill out a scantron with 50 answers. We all started coming up and dropping our tests off on his desk. The teacher (Dr. Brax), is just looking at us all with a really strange expression. He starts looking at the scantron forms, and starts flipping through them one after another, and says "I can't beleive it....."

He stood up, looked at all of us.... and said, "Alright you bastards, this will only work once okay? ONCE.... you all passed with 100% tonight, but if you ever do it again I'll fail all of you, now get out of here and go have a nice night"

Cheers all around and we left.... that test would have really sucked if we all actually had to take it. That prof was actually pretty cool.

clementine

Three old scouse women were 'aving a stout in the local pub, nattering away when the one says:

"Ere now, our kid, George, came to see me today, we named him George after St. Georges day ya know!"

Second says, " Did ya chuck, well, we named our son David after St. Davids day ya know!"

Third says, " By 'eck, that reminds me, it's our Pancakes birthday today!!"

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newguy18

Heres one for you old folks.


1977: Long hair
2007: Longing for hair

1977 : KEG
2007: EKG

1977 : Acid rock
2007: Acid reflux

1977 : Moving toCaliforniabecause it's cool
2007 : Moving toArizonabecause it's warm

1977: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or
Liz Taylor

2007: TryingNOT to look like Marlon Brando or
Liz Taylor

1977: Seeds and stems
2007: Roughage

1977: Hoping for a BMW
2007: Hoping for a BM

1977: Going to a new, hip joint
2007: Receiving a new hip joint

1977: Rolling Stones
2007: Kidney Stones

1977: Screw the system
2007: Upgrade the system

1977: Disco
2007: Costco

1977: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2007: Children begging you to get their heads
shaved

1977: Passing the drivers' test
2007: Passing the vision test

1977: Whatever
2007 : Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this
will certainly change things. Each year the staff at
Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to
try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this
year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across
the nation were born in 1989.

They are too young to remember the space
shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering! machine

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk
a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane."

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

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newguy18

Never Choke
in a restaurant in the South

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk
about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who
is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it
becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies
looks at her
and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes
her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her
dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a
lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm
and
the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again,
the Hillbilly walks slowly back t o the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver'
but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

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old schooler

newguy18

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus loadof seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady,
"Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks,
"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,
"We just love the chocolate around them."

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old schooler

clementine

Ah Haaa! Thats a cracker, "we just like the chocolate", Eyuke!

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

newguy18

that dancing guy in your post is funny clemmy.

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old schooler

clementine

A young boy asked his mother the following question:

"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies,
"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?" He asks,

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
"Son, all household appliances come in white."

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Jeff Darby

LOL...I read it to the missus, I got the "Eyes"...the.."Face"...and was called a rude word...LOL
good one clementine!

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Join the Australian Tree Association...Have your voice heard !

Arboriculture, A life long study for some, a passing phase for others

© Jeffrey J Darby 2011

clementine

JayD and Family,

Please don't think bad of me, I just copied it from somewhere, I am not a chauvinist, I really respect my wife.
Hope she feels the same too!

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

clementine

How about this for bad taste: Copied off "???????????":

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

onechip

Q:- How do Aussie hold their liquor?





A:- By the ears!

Sorry guys, it's lame. I know.

Steve Tipton

Peaheart!

__________________
Heightmaster

clementine

WTF!

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

newguy18

Toilet Cleaning Intructions.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash and rinse.'

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog

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old schooler

wulkowicz

It was a typical night at the bar on the corner. The regulars were there, and a few new faces as well, but everyone eventually noticed a growing set of disagreements between a man and a woman who seemed familiar but no one quite remembered their names.

They argued about everything as they plowed their way through beer after beer; politics, religion, sex, and the general state of the Australian economy. The crowd couldn't help but hear as the two continued their descent into slurred speech and absurd opinions. Perhaps because of the numbers of beers and requisite trips to the john, they began arguing about pissing, and in a few moments, about who could piss further up a wall.

They stayed fixed on this question rather than lurching into another stupidity, and finally asked the bartender to hold their hundred dollar bet while they stepped out into the alley to settle the matter.

The crowd followed them out into a classic alley of the movies; a brick wall on the opposite side and an old gooseneck lamp's white light now illuminating the new playing field. In a few minutes, the bar was empty and the crowd had distributed itself along the way, leaving the two in the middle still muttering about the next step.

"Pleeeeze me dear," he said, sweeping his arm in an expression of Aussie gallantry, "Lady's first."

Recognizing the truth of that, she stepped up to the wall and began to fuss with her dress and the re-arrangement of the garments that would make this all possible.

Standing defiantly, she peed and he squealed, "My god, this is the easiest money I ever made." He almost pushed her over as he danced into position to make his winning mark.

She had recovered enough to step back and grab his arm before he could start.

"Just a minute, deary." she smiled, "No hands."



Bob Wulkowicz

pomme

another one for you cat lovers

Attached Thumbnails

 

Eric Frei

Attached Thumbnails

 

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newguy18

thats funny Ekka,pomme the cat carrier is hilarious.


heres a quick one
how do you know if you go to a real chinese reastruant?

they have cat paws in the fortune cookies.

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old schooler

pomme

how s this for a smart job

Attached Thumbnails

 

Eric Frei

On a billboard here.

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pomme

how true

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Eric Frei

Looking through the steering wheel. LOL

What about those that drive with the seat so close to the wheel it looks like they're doing the chicken dance with their elbows sticking out the sides and all.

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hoot gibson

chicken dance , thats funny , that is the same thing my brother done all across the yard when i hit him in the back with a hillbilly creditcard. man could he run . h

newguy18

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change:$20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total:$21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands..

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35 ) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts:$50.00
DUI:$2500.00
Impound fee:$75.00
Bail:$1500.00
Beer:$20..00
Total: $4,145.00

Not to mention the increase in car insurance!


But, being a "Man" you have the satisfaction of knowing the job was done right!

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old schooler

Therrin

NG, thats HILLARIOUS!!!!

I know I've been through 80% of that before. Substitute kitty litter for sand.

I've got it down now, but the first couple of times were sure fun =)