It's just a Joke!

azrael

LOL

Therrin

Optical Illusion!! See how you do!

clementine

Nice tale JayD


What boat?

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

clementine

A schoolteacher is teaching a class room full of small
boys.

Teacher: " I have a question for the class!
There are three crows sitting on a fence,
the farmer comes out with his gun and shoots one,
how many crows are left"?

One boy starts jumping up and down excitedly, with his hand
raised trying to get the teachers attention. "Miss, miss, miss!"

Teacher: " O.K. Micky, you can tell the class".

Micky: " There are no crows left miss".

Teacher: Surprised look. "None left, why ?"

Micky: " You see miss, when the farmer shoots the crow, the noise
from his gun frightened the rest of them away miss".

Teacher: " Now that's a very good answer Micky. It's not the answer
that I wanted, but I like the way you're thinking".

Micky: " I have a question for you miss!"

Teacher: " Go on then Micky, what is it?"

Micky: " There are three women sitting on a wall miss and each of
them has a lollipop. One is kissing the lollipop, One is
licking the lollipop, and one is sucking the lollipop. Which
one of them is married?"

Teacher: After a long pause. " Well, I would think it's the one sucking the
lollipop".

Micky: " No miss. It's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the
way you're thinking".

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

clementine

Duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of bitter and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck!!"

I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.


And you talk!" exclaims the barman.


"I see your ears are working", says the duck,


"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"


"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get
many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"


"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him,

"You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just
brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvelous", says the ringmaster, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really
good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus", says the barman.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the barman.

"The circus???" the duck asks again.

"Yes" says the barman

"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.

"Yeah" the barman replies.

"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.

"Of Course!" the barman replies.

"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" Asks the duck.

"That's right!" Says the barman.

The duck looks confused.




"What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?"

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Jeff Darby

This is a good one, I had a chuckle when I read this.

It's one of my wives ofcourse..LOL

dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to
work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the
mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you
a check ."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But,
whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I
REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as
she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman
go about his work.





The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain
himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"



To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

See - Men just don't listen!

__________________

Member: Australian Tree Association

Join the Australian Tree Association...Have your voice heard !

Arboriculture, A life long study for some, a passing phase for others

© Jeffrey J Darby 2011

Therrin

LOL JayD!!!

clementine

Love it!

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

newguy18

good one jayd.

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

azrael

LOL

Eric Frei

Or do 2 things at the same time. LOL

I was yacking away with the groundy putting the bar/chain from the 46 onto the 44 (4" longer for cubans).


Yack yack yada yada. Fuel and oil the saw, tension the chain and about to walk off with the chain on backwards.

__________________

Done it

And now you've told the whole world about it.

Underwor

If you say you have never put a chain on backwards and have been in the business over a couple of days, you are probably lying. What is embarrassing is doing it in class when you are trying to lecture and work at the same time. It is even worse when no one notices it and you hand the saw to a student to make a cut with.

__________________
Bob Underwood, Associate Professor of Forestry
ND School of Forestry
Minot State University - Bottineau Campus
Bottineau, North Dakota

newguy18

i did it on my first chainsaw about a week after i got it.

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

newguy18

This is hilarious.

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Marine are all working together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each one of you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ."

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canadawas forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land."

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Marine says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The Marine sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

Therrin

ROFL!!! Nice one bill!

clementine

Cracker Newguy, or Bill?


A rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the local newspaper for a ranch hand.
Only two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other was a drunk. She thought long and hard about it but when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked together, and the ranch was doing really well. So one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand;
"You've worked so hard and done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and have y'self a real good time."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town that Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he hadn't returned. Two o'clock and still no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the sitting room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.





Then she looked at him and said;
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

newguy18

lol clemmy and you or anyone for that matter can call me Bill.

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

azrael

Little old lady takes her yellow canary (named Cheezel) to the vets for a check up.
The vets looks at the bird...examines it...turns to the little old lady and says..
"I'm very sorry maam, but its not good news".
"Oh no, whats wrong with my little Cheezel" says the little old lady
The vets responds "This bird's got Carnaryeal Disease:Its got Chirpes"

newguy18

An old fellow walked into this bar with a monkey on his shoulder, ordered a drink, the monkey jumped down on the bar and opened the pickle jar..helped himself to a pickle..The bartender told the old man..hey, did you see that, your monkey got a pickle and I'm going to have to charge you for it..the old man said put it on my bill..later the monkey jumped up on the pool table and swallowed a cue ball..the bartender went balisticl..that damn monkey ate a cue ball..the old man said put it on my bill...The next day the old man came back in, the monkey jumped down, went across the bar to an olive jar, pulled out an olive and stuck it up his ass, pulled it out and ate it..The bartender said..did you see that? That damn monkey stuck that olive up his butt, pulled it out and ate it..what is going on..the old man replied..yeah, after swallowing that cue ball yesterday, now he measures everthing before he eats it.

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

azrael

newguy18

this is gonna be my company policy.
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. they are called Saturday & Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. there is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders"
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
THE MANAGEMENT


p.s when i tell you to pull a tree you better pull it or you won't be getting paid.

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

clementine

LOL Bill, especially the "restroom use":

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Therrin

ROFL, Clemmy, you come up with the craziest stuff....

I hadn't caught up with this thread in a while, that 'ranchhand' thread had me laughing my ass off.... really had me goin there, that was great

TreeDimensional

What do you get when you cross a "jackass" with a "turtle"?















A dispatcher with a hardhat on.

newguy18

SMART A** ANSWER #6 -- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters
Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John,
seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no,"
she replied"

__________________________________________________ ____________________

SMART A** ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the
departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended

her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed
her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket,

not your stub."

__________________________________________________ ____________________

SMART A** ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen
turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough

for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any
bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
__________________________________________________ ____________________

SMART A** ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who

was stopped for s peeding rolled down his window. "I've been
waiting
for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When

the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
__________________________________________________ ____________________

SMART A** ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the
freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he

knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under

the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and
walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
"Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran

out of gas."
_____________________________________________ ______
___________________
SMART A** ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 -- A college teacher reminds her

class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any
excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a
nuclear
attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and
asked,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the
student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd
have to write the exam with your other hand."

__________________________________________________ ____________________

Tw o bonus extras: A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps

for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50
Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6
Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.
__________________________________________________ __________
__________
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not

happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel
horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

He never heard the shot....

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

polly

I heard this one the other day..........

There was a zebra walking in the country onday when he came across a sheep in a paddock.

"What are you"? asked the Zebra
"I'm a sheep". said the sheep
"what do you do?" asked the zebra

"well i graze in the paddock, grow my wool which is then shorn and humans use it for all sorts of things like making clothes and blankets, they use me as food to feed humans as well and some even use my milk for cheese making"

"oh" said the zebra and kept on walking

after a while he came across a cow in another paddock

"what are you?" asked the zebra
"I'm a cow" said the cow
"What do you do?" asked the zebra

"I also graze in the paddock, humans use my milk to drink they , my skin to make all sorts of leather products like shoes and hats, and they eat me as well.

"oh I see" said the zebra and kept on walking

a short time passed and the zebra came across a Stallion in a paddock

"what are you "? asked the Zebra

" I'm a stallion " said the stallion

"what do you do?" asked the zebra




"get your pyjama's off and i'll show you " said the stallion


One of the boys told me that one.

newguy18

i got a few crackers for you guys.
A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.

A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says.

"Where can I buy one?" he is asked.

Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says.

"I'll take him," says the other man as he counts out the money.

I can't bring him over today. I don't work on Sunday morrow OK?

"Sure."

The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says, "sorry, bad news."

I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead.

The city feller says just give me my money back then.

"Can't, spent it already!"

"Well... unload the mule then."

"What ya gonna do with him?"

"Raffle him off!"

"Naw, ya cant raffle off a dead mule!"

"Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tricks."

One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop.

"What did ya do with that dead mule?"

"Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!"

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

newguy18

Who says Today's Kids aren't smart?? (Well, some of them are!!!)

At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school.

Before they let them go, they painted a number on the side of each goat: #1, #2 and #4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

newguy18

COMMENTS MADE IN 1955




"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."



I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas ."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."


"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."


"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress"

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend.. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler