It's just a Joke!

pomme · 31st December 2007, 03:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newguy18

what is cricket?

Its a bunch of guys standing in a field watching the grass grow thinking they are sportsmen

Steve Tipton · 31st December 2007, 09:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pomme

Its a bunch of guys standing in a field watching the grass grow thinking they are sportsmen

It's a great game to watch on fast forward.

arborcraft · 3rd January 2008, 08:55 AM

I love cricket, especially the 5 day test matches. I listen on the radio while pottering about the garden or cleaning up my desk at this time of year. But I am surrounded by people who aren't cricket tragics so I listen on headphones.

My partner is not Australian born. She thinks it's a stupid game.
She says "How can a game go for 5 days and end without a result?"
and "Cricket is so boring, nothing happens".
I say "Yeah, but it's the way nothing happens that makes it interesting."

I shall not try to explain the whole game for newcomers. It's not a short story and Quintrex might abuse me. I loved the "watching grass grow " and the
"fast forward" lines.

Steve Tipton · 3rd January 2008, 09:00 AM

I have also heard cricket described as "baseball on valium"

I enjoy the one dayers though.

shaggs · 3rd January 2008, 04:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by azrael

Dear Microsoft Technical Support,

I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded my software package from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began giving unexpected errors and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Cricket 5.3 no longer run, and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Saturday Sports, Bar 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but uninstall doesn't work on this program.
Kind regards,
Joe.
THE REPLY FROM MICROSOFT:
Dear Joe,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a utilities & entertainment program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is a complete operating system, designed by its creator to run everything. You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.
Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under alimony Support and Solicitors Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can.When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:\I APOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C:\I APOLOGISE a number of times but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal. Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program, can be very rewarding.
To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not under any circumstances install Secretary 36.24.36 (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.
Thank you for using the program.
With regards,
Bill
P.S. In no case try to install the free software (Mother-in-Law 1.0) that comes with WIFE 1.0 operating system. Installing the software would lead to not responding messages from Wife1.0 operating system.

An absolute cracker Azrael!

Gonna show it to the wife tonight

This may be my last post

newguy18 · 3rd January 2008, 04:19 PM

It was nice knowing you.

Sean Freeman · 3rd January 2008, 09:56 PM

Quote:

I have also heard cricket described as "baseball on valium"

Hmmm baseball...thats rounders on steriods right???

Anyone who didn't enjoy the Indian fightback innings today just doesn't like real team sports. (IMO)

newguy18 · 4th January 2008, 02:18 AM

i guess I shouldn't watch cricket because I don't like baseball.Heck I usually don't watch any sport.

Eric Frei · 4th January 2008, 08:08 AM

Tis a game of skill and strategy.

Field placement and bowler configuration. Who bats first and from which end, when do you declare, is it going to rain etc etc?

Unlike other games you can try to hang in there, fact is they got to get you out twice in a test or it's a draw. So like the soldiers of yesteryear you can try to dig in and prevail the bombardment of balls till the end of play and although you have less runs on the score board the game will result in a draw. This means for the higher scoring team they cant hog the show ... they have to graciously "declare" which means give the other team a go at batting or there'll be no result.

Source:The rules of cricket

Quote:

A draw will also be called after the end of the five days if the team bowling still has some of their ten players left to bat.
This is where strategy comes in as the team who is batting can decide to 'declare' at any time - even with players left. By declaring this means that the other team has to start batting.

No other game has this strategic play, some have penalty shoot outs or time on for a result, but here it's about skill and planning where even when the odds are against you, you can try to save defeat. So the bowling team is pressed hard to get a result and get that other team out or even with a great lead ... it's a draw.

Here's an example.

1st innings (ABC country batted first by the way)

ABC country 357 runs
Australia 600 runs

2nd innings

ABC country 9/350 end of day 5, Australia failed to bat, result a draw.

Even though ABC had more runs from both batting stints and even though Australia clearly won the first innings.

So this is what makes the game interesting. It's not just a slog fest, even if you are sitting there with a massive lead you need to think about getting that other side out. Seldom will any team leave that task till the last day. Most will declare with a reasonable lead at around day 4 to give 1.5 days to try get the other team out.

There is also an expected number of balls to be bowled a day, no dawdling to slow things down so the batting team has a fair amount to hit. Also any stray balls bowled don't count and have to be re bowled.

These rules are pretty well thought out, hence cricket offers a lot more than meets the eye.

I also suppose the other great trait is that compared to some other sports you don't have to be the worlds fittest person. You'll see a few with a beer gut. LOL

I like cricket, and the international competition is great, been called the gentleman's game.

Sir Donald Bradman was notably the finest batsman the world has ever seen. For the crowds of the era it would have been spectacular to watch this guy bat. There's other batsmen who got more runs, no doubt, but not in the amount of innings this guy did with an average of 99.94

newguy18 · 4th January 2008, 10:37 AM

Heres a quick one.
A young man and an old man were both working on a construction site.the young man told the old man go home you can't keep up with me anyway.The old man replied son I'll bet you $100 and a lunch for a week at the best reastruant in town that I can haul something in that wheelbarrow that you can't haul back.the young man said your on old man.The old man grabbed the wheelbarrow and said alright son hop in.

Therrin · 4th January 2008, 04:55 PM

A man takes a vacation, and since he's Irish, decides to go to the motherland and see what it's like over there.

While in Ireland he finds himself a pub, goes in, and orders a guiness, thinking that he's being pretty Irish by doing that.

Next to him is seated this grizzled old white-haired man. He looks at the man and says "so what's up with all the violence here? seems nice enough around these parts"

The old man replies in a thick Irish accent, "Oh it's not violent at all! You could raise your kids here, its safer than anything"

The vacationer says, "but I've heard about all the fighting, and explosions and shooting, whats with that?"

The old man says "Oh it's a bunch of media hype. Just them tryin to make people think that its some kind of warzone over here. Nothing could be further from the truth."

The younger man thinks about this, nods, and replies "well, maybe you're right. I guess Ireland is just as peacefull as anywhere, the media always manages to put a negative twist on things.

A few minutes go by.... then the vacationer turns to the old man and says, "so tell me old timer, what do you do around here?"

The man says to him without blinking, "I'm a tailgunner on a school bus"

newguy18 · 5th January 2008, 02:40 AM

shaggs · 6th January 2008, 10:54 AM

WHALE OIL BEEF HOOKED!!

clementine · 6th January 2008, 10:24 PM

One day Mum was cleaning her sons room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.

She hid the magazine until the boys father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

She finally asks him, "Well, what should we do about this?"

He looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him!"

newguy18 · 7th January 2008, 01:39 AM

Steve Tipton · 7th January 2008, 11:57 AM

Therrin · 7th January 2008, 03:06 PM

Ahhh, thats horrible... lol.

Steve Tipton · 8th January 2008, 09:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by playfordtree

Poor old Chuck never stood a chance

I cant even think of a girls name that rhymes with Chuck?

Maybe the farmer just shot him as a precaution?

Hey Playford, where ya been?
We miss your input.

clementine · 8th January 2008, 09:31 PM

Dragged this from somewhere:

IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY

Artery......................... The study of paintings
Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria
Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die
Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section...............A neighbourhood in Rome
Catscan....................... Searching for Kitty
Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her
Colic.......................... A sheep dog
Coma........................... A punctuation mark
Dilate......................... To live long
Enema.......................... Not a friend
Fester......................... Quicker than someone else
Fibula......................... A small lie
Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain.....................Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane
Morbid....................... .. A higher offer
Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates
Node........................... I knew it
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative................. A letter carrier
Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery
Rectum......................... Nearly killed him
Secretion...................... Hiding something
Seizure........................ Roman emperor
Tablet......................... A small table
Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport
Tumour..........................One plus one more
Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out
2xCondoms..................To be sure, to be sure

azrael · 8th January 2008, 10:42 PM

...many times...each line actually

shaggs · 8th January 2008, 11:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by clementine

2xCondoms..................To be sure, to be sure

Steve Tipton · 9th January 2008, 06:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shaggs

=1

clementine · 13th January 2008, 10:23 AM

"Who's moved my furking chainsaw?", said Tree World bear.

newguy18 · 13th January 2008, 10:43 AM

Therrin · 13th January 2008, 09:28 PM

Eric Frei · 15th January 2008, 12:13 AM

Obviously they're all describing the one that got away.

Steve Tipton · 15th January 2008, 04:08 PM

Condi looks like she's describing a disappointing date.

Therrin · 15th January 2008, 04:09 PM

newguy18 · 16th January 2008, 05:26 AM

Jeff Darby · 17th January 2008, 08:06 PM

Enjoy!

3rd January 2008, 08:55 AM	#123
arborcraft Sappling Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 17	Re: It's just a Joke! I love cricket, especially the 5 day test matches. I listen on the radio while pottering about the garden or cleaning up my desk at this time of year. But I am surrounded by people who aren't cricket tragics so I listen on headphones. My partner is not Australian born. She thinks it's a stupid game. She says "How can a game go for 5 days and end without a result?" and "Cricket is so boring, nothing happens". I say "Yeah, but it's the way nothing happens that makes it interesting." I shall not try to explain the whole game for newcomers. It's not a short story and Quintrex might abuse me. I loved the "watching grass grow " and the "fast forward" lines.

3rd January 2008, 09:00 AM	#124
Steve Tipton Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 823	Re: It's just a Joke! I have also heard cricket described as "baseball on valium" I enjoy the one dayers though. __________________ Heightmaster

3rd January 2008, 04:19 PM	#126
newguy18 Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: orlando,fl Posts: 4,977	Re: It's just a Joke! It was nice knowing you. __________________ Have your say join us today. old schooler

4th January 2008, 02:18 AM	#128
newguy18 Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: orlando,fl Posts: 4,977	Re: It's just a Joke! i guess I shouldn't watch cricket because I don't like baseball.Heck I usually don't watch any sport. __________________ Have your say join us today. old schooler

4th January 2008, 10:37 AM	#130
newguy18 Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: orlando,fl Posts: 4,977	Re: It's just a Joke! Heres a quick one. A young man and an old man were both working on a construction site.the young man told the old man go home you can't keep up with me anyway.The old man replied son I'll bet you $100 and a lunch for a week at the best reastruant in town that I can haul something in that wheelbarrow that you can't haul back.the young man said your on old man.The old man grabbed the wheelbarrow and said alright son hop in. __________________ Have your say join us today. old schooler

4th January 2008, 04:55 PM	#131
Therrin Former Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Bakersfield, Ca Posts: 2,512	Re: It's just a Joke! A man takes a vacation, and since he's Irish, decides to go to the motherland and see what it's like over there. While in Ireland he finds himself a pub, goes in, and orders a guiness, thinking that he's being pretty Irish by doing that. Next to him is seated this grizzled old white-haired man. He looks at the man and says "so what's up with all the violence here? seems nice enough around these parts" The old man replies in a thick Irish accent, "Oh it's not violent at all! You could raise your kids here, its safer than anything" The vacationer says, "but I've heard about all the fighting, and explosions and shooting, whats with that?" The old man says "Oh it's a bunch of media hype. Just them tryin to make people think that its some kind of warzone over here. Nothing could be further from the truth." The younger man thinks about this, nods, and replies "well, maybe you're right. I guess Ireland is just as peacefull as anywhere, the media always manages to put a negative twist on things. A few minutes go by.... then the vacationer turns to the old man and says, "so tell me old timer, what do you do around here?" The man says to him without blinking, "I'm a tailgunner on a school bus"

5th January 2008, 02:40 AM	#132
newguy18 Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: orlando,fl Posts: 4,977	Re: It's just a Joke! __________________ Have your say join us today. old schooler

6th January 2008, 10:54 AM	#133
shaggs Mature tree Join Date: May 2007 Location: sydney Posts: 422	Re: It's just a Joke! WHALE OIL BEEF HOOKED!!

6th January 2008, 10:24 PM	#134
clementine Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Shropshire, UK Posts: 509	Re: It's just a Joke! One day Mum was cleaning her sons room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until the boys father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. She finally asks him, "Well, what should we do about this?" He looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him!" __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

7th January 2008, 01:39 AM	#135
newguy18 Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: orlando,fl Posts: 4,977	Re: It's just a Joke! __________________ Have your say join us today. old schooler

7th January 2008, 11:57 AM	#136
Steve Tipton Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 823	Re: It's just a Joke! __________________ Heightmaster

7th January 2008, 03:06 PM	#137
Therrin Former Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Bakersfield, Ca Posts: 2,512	Re: It's just a Joke! Ahhh, thats horrible... lol.

8th January 2008, 09:31 PM	#139
clementine Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Shropshire, UK Posts: 509	Re: It's just a Joke! Dragged this from somewhere: IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY Artery......................... The study of paintings Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight Caesarean Section...............A neighbourhood in Rome Catscan....................... Searching for Kitty Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her Colic.......................... A sheep dog Coma........................... A punctuation mark Dilate......................... To live long Enema.......................... Not a friend Fester......................... Quicker than someone else Fibula......................... A small lie Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known Labour Pain.....................Getting hurt at work Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane Morbid....................... .. A higher offer Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates Node........................... I knew it Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis Post Operative................. A letter carrier Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery Rectum......................... Nearly killed him Secretion...................... Hiding something Seizure........................ Roman emperor Tablet......................... A small table Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport Tumour..........................One plus one more Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out 2xCondoms..................To be sure, to be sure __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

8th January 2008, 10:42 PM	#140
azrael Former Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Earth Australia Posts: 234	Re: It's just a Joke! ...many times...each line actually

13th January 2008, 10:23 AM	#143
clementine Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Shropshire, UK Posts: 509	Re: It's just a Joke! "Who's moved my furking chainsaw?", said Tree World bear. __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

13th January 2008, 10:43 AM	#144
newguy18 Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: orlando,fl Posts: 4,977	Re: It's just a Joke! __________________ Have your say join us today. old schooler

13th January 2008, 09:28 PM	#145
Therrin Former Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Bakersfield, Ca Posts: 2,512	Re: It's just a Joke!

15th January 2008, 12:13 AM	#146
Eric Frei Admin - Razor sharp and independent 2 X Diploma Level 5 qualified arborist Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Brisbane Posts: 12,820	Re: It's just a Joke! Obviously they're all describing the one that got away. __________________ Protect your rights to work - Join Australian Tree Association My businesses:- Qualified Brisbane Tree Lopping \| Stump Grinding Brisbane \| Brisbane - Gold Coast Consulting Arborist

15th January 2008, 04:08 PM	#147
Steve Tipton Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 823	Re: It's just a Joke! Condi looks like she's describing a disappointing date. __________________ Heightmaster

15th January 2008, 04:09 PM	#148
Therrin Former Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Bakersfield, Ca Posts: 2,512	Re: It's just a Joke!

16th January 2008, 05:26 AM	#149
newguy18 Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: orlando,fl Posts: 4,977	Re: It's just a Joke! __________________ Have your say join us today. old schooler

17th January 2008, 08:06 PM	#150
Jeff Darby Moderator - Previously known as JayD Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: TreeWorld, Sydney Australia Posts: 2,031	Re: It's just a Joke! Enjoy! Attached Thumbnails __________________ Member: Australian Tree Association Join the Australian Tree Association...Have your voice heard ! Arboriculture, A life long study for some, a passing phase for others © Jeffrey J Darby 2011

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