It's just a Joke!

Victor Lindsay

A Cup of Tea ~

One day my grandma was out, and my grandpa was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my grandma came home.

My grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' grandma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for grandpa, and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a grandma would know),

"'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

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Victor Lindsay

The United States Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it. The Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

1.The stamp is in perfect order.
2.There is nothing wrong with the glue.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side !!!

Steve Tipton

Psychology 101 ( Great analogy)

There is a certain obvious logic that is apparent after you have read to the
end!

If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the cage, hang a
banana on a string from the top and then you place a set of stairs under the
banana,
before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb toward the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys with cold
water.
After a while another monkey makes an attempt with the same result ... All
the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.

Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys
will try to prevent it.

Now, put the cold water away.

Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one.

The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs.

To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him.

After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the
stairs he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a new
one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.
The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment... With enthusiasm.

Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by a fourth,
then the fifth.
Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs he is attacked.
Most of the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not
permitted to climb the stairs.
Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the newest
monkey.

Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining
monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water.
Nevertheless, none of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway for the
banana.

Why, you ask? Because in their minds...
That is the way it has always been!

This, my friends, is how the Australian Parliament operates...
And is why, from time to time, all of the monkeys need to be
REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

--- Subject: Doctors vs. Gun Owners This is one statistic that you should pay attention to .... Inasmuch as your life revolves around your doctors appointments.

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000. (C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.1714 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Now think about this: Guns (A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million) (B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, for all age groups, is 1,500. (C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.00018Statistics courtesy of FBI >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.' >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT Almost everyone has at least one doctor. This means you are over 900 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as by a gun owner!!! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!

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Heightmaster

Jeff Darby

Splinters in her crotch
Just got this in email from a friend

A woman from Los Angeles who was a
tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece
of timberland near Colville , WA . There was a large tree on one of the
highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural
splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she
neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the
ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she
hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an
environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get
all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then
told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could
help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from
the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau
of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a
"recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry,
but due to Obama-Care they turned you down!"

__________________

Member: Australian Tree Association

Join the Australian Tree Association...Have your voice heard !

Arboriculture, A life long study for some, a passing phase for others

© Jeffrey J Darby 2011

funarty

How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? - on the rocks
What vegies do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? -Leeks
When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied "off course."
I like my men how I like my Italian cruises. Wet, wrecked and ready to go down.

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COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Steve Tipton

Julia Gillard goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and she asks him his name." Stanley ," responds the little boy."And what is your question, Stanley ?""I have 4 questions:Why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn’t vote for it?Second, why are you Prime minister when the Liberal Party got more votes?Third, weren’t you a communist at university?Fourth, why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you said you’re a lesbianJust then, the bell rings for recess. Julia informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.When they resume Julia says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that 's right: question time. Who has a question?"Another little boy puts up his hand. Julia points him out and asks him his name."Steve," he responds."And what is your question, Steve?"Actually, I have 6 questions.Why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn’t vote for it? Why are you Prime minister when Tony Abbott got more votes?Third, weren’t you a communist at university?Fourth, why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you are obviously a lesbian?Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?And sixth, what the f**k happened to Stanley ?"

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Heightmaster