It's just a Joke!

kel

I was in at Hungry Jacks this morning and two muslim women walked in wearing some really brightly coloured head to toe outfits..... I thought to myself...."Wow, the Berkas really are better at Hungry Jacks".

Garry Brockley

Oh god that was awful!

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kel

Hey Galbee, Your girlfriend in your avatar really has a nose picking problem.

Therrin

He's right, that's creepy... I like the frog with the antennae shoved up its ass alot better.

Done it

Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week, and recently got my daughter an iPod for hers, and was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for father’s day.

Got my wife an iRon for her birthday. It was around then the fight started......

Therrin

http://cheezfailbooking.files.wordpr...cumber-ins.png

People say the damndest things on social networking sites!

Steve Tipton

With Chelsea's wedding this past week-end, Hillary was playing the
perfect Mom.


She asked Chelsea: "have you had sex with Marc?"


Chelsea replied.... "Not according to Dad!"

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Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

Indian mystery finally solved!
Finally, someone has cleared another Curry Munching mystery up for me...

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion. but the Indian High Commission in Canberra has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a:-

A - Taxi licence in Adelaide
B - Convenience store in Melbourne
C- Service station in Perth,
D- Kebab shop in Brisbane
E- Take away cafe in Sydney

If there is nothing there, he must stay in India and take a job answering telephones giving technical advice to Telstra and Optus customers in Australia. There, it’s finally revealed!

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Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Anonymous
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?" Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.' Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.' Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.' James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.... Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.' Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.' Anonymous

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Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the Tax Office agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buya lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?""Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.""Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way."What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?""Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question . "We save it and send it backto the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster.""I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all theleft over foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?""Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is saveall the little foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

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Heightmaster

dov

If you think that's raw, try reading slashdot.org with your reading filter set to -1.

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sueann

omg! I never thought of that!

I thought she was saying shhhhhh! before she picked up the axe and chopped you in half.

sueann

That was 1 second of my life wasted!!

clementine

I should really give that a go but it ain't never gonna happen.
Your pictures get stranger, stranger!

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

dov

I've been moderating slashdot for a couple of years and trolling is a fine art form there. Reading comments with your filter at 'raw and uncut' is an interesting experience for the uninitiated...

Pictures get stranger? How so?

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clementine

Well, I'd guess it's the beard, well wispy now man, it's just that I've never known a beard like that.
"I ain't never known a beard like that", I'm sure that's a line in an Enimen record!

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

dov

The last couple of inches are still wispy. Give it a couple of months to grow in and it'll thicken up fine - already thickened up a lot since that photo was taken. It was kinda spread out across my front in that photo too which doesn't show it up well. I like it this length - tucks nicely into my collar and keeps the neck warm.

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Garry Brockley

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

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Steve Tipton

I've just come out of the fish and chip shop with a meat pie, large chips,
& a jumbo sausage roll. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've
not eaten for two days'........ I told him 'I wish I had your f*cking will
power'


I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the
instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' what I thought it did '


A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about
the wait ' I said ' don't worry fatso, you'll lose it eventually '


Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him &
says ' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have
one? Paddy said ' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can
have both of them!! '...............Murphy says 'Four!'

One of life's great mysteries -
How is it that a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch
fanny, IN THE DARK............ but she's unable to fit an eight foot car
into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD FU**ING DAYLIGHT?


Snow eh!
The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to
myself ' she'll be f**king lucky with a face like that!'


I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how
gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I
always end up in bed with them................Here's how it goes ' Excuse me
love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform
to you?'


Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away '
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich
works a treat!

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Heightmaster

Eric Frei

Not sure if this has been done yet but .....

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Steve Tipton

> > > An Indian goes to Woolworths in Australia . He finds cat food at> > special> > > prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.> > >> > > The Manager gets suspicious.> > >> > > He thinks that this guy might not have a cat and will probably> > feed cat> > > food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he> > could> > > let him have cat food. The Indian goes home and returns with a cat > > and> > > gets> > > to buy the cat food.> > >> > > Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a> > dozen> > > cans of dog food and goes to check out.> > > The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy may> > have a cat> > > but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his> > kids.> > > He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let > > him> > > have> > > dog food.> > > The Indian goes home and returns with a dog.. He gets to buy the> > dog food.> > >> > > The following week the Indian comes to Woolworths with a bag. He> > asks the> > > manager to put his hand in the bag..> > > The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and> > > immediately pulls it out. He shouts ,> > > "What the hell! This is sh...t, you Idiot?"> > > The Indian calmly replies, "Yes, now may I buy some toilet paper?"> >

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Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales . So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.' Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.' A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time..' As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.' Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week.'

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Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat. He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to." A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector not wanting to get a toe blown off started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to." There are 5 lessons for us all here:1. Never be arrogant.... 2. Don't waste ammunition.... 3. Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.... 4. Always, always make sure you know who has the power.... 5. And finally, don't ever mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid...

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Heightmaster

funarty

Long time no see
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mum got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay envelope at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those dickheads at Bunnings everdeliver the ????in' gyprock..."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

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COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Garry Brockley

good to have you back funarty

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funarty

Thanks mate
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Austarlian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.

The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. Australia 's smartest woman took my schoolbag."

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COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Garry Brockley

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Eric Frei

Ole Yak hit this one hard.

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Steve Tipton

A Scot was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Highland baby boy.."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.....so how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds". The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig from his Johnny Walker Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised".

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Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

> Talk about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
> I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan.
> Having not seen my wife for months I was looking forward to a night of hot
> passionate sex.
> Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel around her head so I
> shot her!

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Heightmaster