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Old 19th June 2010, 10:07 AM   #1171
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Talking Re: It's just a Joke!

When U Black, U Black

When I was born, I was BLACK ,
When I grew up, I was
BLACK ,
When I went in the sun, I
stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was
BLACK ,
When I was scared, I was
BLACK ,
When I was sick, I was
BLACK ,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK .
NOW, You 'white' folks....

When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow-up, you're
WHITE ,
When you go in the sun, you get
RED,
When you're cold, you turn
BLUE,
When you're scared, you're
YELLOW,
When you get sick, you're
GREEN
When youbruise, you turn PURPLE ,
And when you die, you look GRAY.
So who y'all be callin'
COLORED Folks?
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Old 19th June 2010, 04:14 PM   #1172
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sueann View Post
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little boy nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The boy was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by his dog and his cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the boy replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer. The boy had tied the wagon to his dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little boy replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'


Roflmfao good one,gives me an idea for my sister's cat.
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Old 20th June 2010, 04:55 PM   #1173
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Subject: Vaseline




A man doing market research knocked on a door,
He was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline.

Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back.

"Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.


But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.

I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all...


My husband and Iput it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."


And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke....
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Old 20th June 2010, 04:56 PM   #1174
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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

But they only know to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.....

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....

As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...

Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!
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Old 1st July 2010, 06:10 AM   #1175
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After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just
go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes
for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little
lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?' The blonde headed off
to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the
same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in
hand. As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator
swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took
aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper
stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde
struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.
Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....
'CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!
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Old 1st July 2010, 11:34 AM   #1176
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Murder at Coles






Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'




Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000..

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single $1 Coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the $1 as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Coles Store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor.........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ..






ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00
AT COLES!
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Old 1st July 2010, 05:21 PM   #1177
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Default Re: It's just a Joke!

Quote:
Originally Posted by funarty View Post
Murder at Coles






Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'




Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000..

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single $1 Coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the $1 as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Coles Store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor.........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ..






ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00
AT COLES!
Haha!
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Old 7th July 2010, 10:07 PM   #1178
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Julia Gillard touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow walks out onto the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Julia in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: ‘You get out and check - you were driving. ‘ The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. ‘You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ‘ says Julia. Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face. ‘My god, what happened to you? ‘asks Julia. The chauffeur replies: ‘ When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me. ‘‘What on earth did you say? ‘asks Julia.‘I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them:‘I’m Julia Gillard’s chauffeur and I’ve just killed the cow.’
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Old 7th July 2010, 10:10 PM   #1179
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"........... I come from the land down under." YEH, WE'RE ALL SUCH A SMART BUNCH DOWN UNDER Rural Australian Computer Terminology A little bit of Aussie culcha..... LOG ON: Adding wood to make the Barbie hotter.LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the Barbie. MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the Barbie.. DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute. HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies. KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys. WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold. SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season. BYTE: What mozzies do. MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do. CHIP: A bar snack. MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips. MODEM: What you did to the lawns. LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps. SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster. HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart. MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed. MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up. WEB: What spiders make... WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the veranda. SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.. CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go. YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go... UPGRADE: A steep hill. SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch. MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch. USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things. NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net. INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go. NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net. ONLINE: Where you hang the washing. OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.
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Old 7th July 2010, 10:13 PM   #1180
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THE TAX SYSTEM EXPLAINED IN BEER


Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100...
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this...

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7..
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do..

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball.

"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20". Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.

So the first four men were unaffected.

They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men?
The paying customers?

How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?

They realised that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they
subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100%
saving).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).

The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).

The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).

The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).

The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving," declared the sixth man.

He pointed to the tenth man,"but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works.

The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction.

Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.

In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics.

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible
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Old 7th July 2010, 11:33 PM   #1181
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Quintrex View Post
Julia Gillard touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow walks out onto the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Julia in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: ‘You get out and check - you were driving. ‘ The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. ‘You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ‘ says Julia. Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face. ‘My god, what happened to you? ‘asks Julia. The chauffeur replies: ‘ When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me. ‘‘What on earth did you say? ‘asks Julia.‘I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them:‘I’m Julia Gillard’s chauffeur and I’ve just killed the cow.’
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Old 8th July 2010, 12:23 PM   #1182
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Quintrex View Post
THE TAX SYSTEM EXPLAINED IN BEER


Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100...
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this...

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7..
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do..

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball.

"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20". Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.

So the first four men were unaffected.

They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men?
The paying customers?

How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?

They realised that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they
subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100%
saving).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).

The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).

The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).

The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).

The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving," declared the sixth man.

He pointed to the tenth man,"but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works.

The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction.

Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.

In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics.

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible

Wow! that is very clever! and true.
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Old 8th July 2010, 04:22 PM   #1183
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Two businessmen in Cardiff were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well... Only two left."


Pensioners - don't mess with them!!!!!!
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Old 8th July 2010, 10:32 PM   #1184
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My neighbour found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."
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Old 8th July 2010, 10:37 PM   #1185
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After Nigeria was eliminated from the World Cup, the Nigerian goalkeeper personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans who had travelled to South Africa.

He said he just needs their bank details and PINs to complete the transaction.
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Old 9th July 2010, 01:13 AM   #1186
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6 affairs
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?' The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here..'
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'





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Old 12th July 2010, 03:57 AM   #1187
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I like the last two jokes.
Laughed my heart out.


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Old 12th July 2010, 12:02 PM   #1188
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[SIZE="4"][A new Woolworths Supermarket opened in Adelaide, SA. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and chops.

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of a Carlton Draught.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.
¯
¯
¯


I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

/SIZE]
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Old 12th July 2010, 01:04 PM   #1189
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Default Re: It's just a Joke!

Where do you get them Funarty???? Excellent stuff.....

Sniff, sniff, I ain't goin' for the bogroll section either!!!


In a train carriage there were 4 people, an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes in to the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought - "That French son of a b*tch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face".

The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".

The Frenchman thought - "That b*stard Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".

The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French tw*t again".
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Old 12th July 2010, 01:42 PM   #1190
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Hi Clementine, I have a lot of sick friends! haha heres another....
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,
"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs, in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.
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Old 21st July 2010, 11:47 AM   #1191
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Default Re: It's just a Joke!

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off, she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.'

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.


'Now take off my socks.

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.


'Now take off my skirt.

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.


'Now take off my bra.

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said,

'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.
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Old 21st July 2010, 11:33 PM   #1192
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Old 23rd July 2010, 06:24 PM   #1193
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Default Re: It's just a Joke!

Lot of good jokes, folks!
I guess all languages have many words with several meanings making it possible to play with words. Here is a Norwegian one:
The Norwegian word "linje" means both line (in books) an rail.

So, don't read between the lines, there might come a train!


Leif.
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Old 23rd July 2010, 07:50 PM   #1194
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Default Re: It's just a Joke!

Quote:
Originally Posted by LeifR View Post
Lot of good jokes, folks!
I guess all languages have many words with several meanings making it possible to play with words. Here is a Norwegian one:
The Norwegian word "linje" means both line (in books) an rail.

So, don't read between the lines, there might come a train!
Leif.
Mixed language puns are fun too. When I was studying ancient (Koine) Greek at college, I used to sit next to a lady who, like me, spoke German (both of us poorly) Between the three languages, it's amazing how many deliberate mistranslations we could snigger at during any one lesson. The lecturer never quite figured out why we were stifling laughs all the time...

One of my most embarrassing cross-language puns was when I was out to lunch with a group of Nepalese. One guy knew I'd spent a lot of time with Philippinos, so he was asking me about words in Tagalog (Phillippino trade language). Unfortunately for me, I didn't realise that the Tagalog word for 'vegetables' (gulai) sounds pretty much the same as Nepali slang for 'testicles'. I so wish I hadn't put it in a sentence.
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Old 27th July 2010, 07:01 PM   #1195
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A Northern Territory farm hand (An Aboriginal) radios back to the farm
> >> manager.
> >>
> >> 'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the Ute.
> >> The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bull bars at the front of my Ute
> >> And is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'
> >>
> >> The manager says,'Ok, there's a ....303Rifle behind the seat.
> >> Take it; shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'
> >>
> >> Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said
> >> Boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the
> >> Bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.
> >>
> >> 'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.
> >>
> >> 'Well boss, it's his motorbike. The flashing blue light is stuck Under
> >> the right-front wheel arch.'
> >>
> >> You there Boss?'
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Old 27th July 2010, 07:03 PM   #1196
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Old ButchJohn was in the fertilized egg business.He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.Vote carefully this year, the bells are not always audible.
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Old 27th July 2010, 07:04 PM   #1197
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A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?' She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.' 'Why?' he asked. She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!' 'Let me see' he said.'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.' He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her! She said'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIBLETS!!!
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Old 28th July 2010, 04:32 PM   #1198
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Default Re: It's just a Joke!

I just LOVE these "fail-a-thon" videos!



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Old 28th July 2010, 05:25 PM   #1199
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Default Re: It's just a Joke!

On a cool winters day in June, 2010 an old man approached the Canberra
Lodge where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to Commonwealth
security standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with the
Prime Minister Kevin Rudd."

The Guard looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Rudd is no longer Prime
Minister, he no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the Lodge "I would like to go in
and meet with the Prime Minister Kevin Rudd."

The Guard again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr Kevin Rudd is
no longer the Prime Minister and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the Lodge and spoke to the very same
Guard saying, "I would like to go in and meet with the Prime Minister Kevin
Rudd."

The Guard, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
speak to Mr Rudd I've told you already that Mr Rudd is no longer Prime
Minister and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Guard and said, "Oh, I understand it all right. I just love
hearing it."

The Guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."
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Old 2nd August 2010, 03:51 PM   #1200
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Default Re: It's just a Joke!

Aha, that's so funny!
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