It's just a Joke!

ronnyb

Did you hear about the 747 that crashed in the cemetary?


Polish officals have so far recovered 3500 bodies.

newguy18

Why do polish women have broad shoulders?
from raising dumbbells.

How do polish kids know how to put on thier underwear?
yellow in front brown in back.

You might be polish if you think peter pan is something you keep under your bed.


2 polish men were in a bar and one asks the other what were you doing all day?He responds I was laying linoleum.The other guy asks does she have a friend?

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

clementine

A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner.
He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!'
Astonished, the man turns and yells back, 'BITCH!' as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig.


Yesterday, scientists in the United States discovered that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they gave a hundred men twelve pints of beer each and observed that all of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive properly.

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Jeff Darby

...LOL......funny Stuff!

__________________

Member: Australian Tree Association

Join the Australian Tree Association...Have your voice heard !

Arboriculture, A life long study for some, a passing phase for others

© Jeffrey J Darby 2011

newguy18

Okay I know its kinda religious but this is the best clean joke I have ever heard.
Jesus and Satan were arguing for days about who was the best with a computer.God got tired of all the bickering and sat them down at 2 computers and gave them 2 hours to complete several tasks.They i'm
they typed they copied and pasted they gave reports they wrote presentations and they emailed.10 minutes before the 2 hours was up the power went out and satan said every curse word in the underworld and Jesus just sighed.Just then the power came back on and satan searched franticly through the computer and all his work was gone and he happened to notice Jesus was printing.Satan said no fair how come he has all his work and mine is gone?God smiled and said "Jesus saves".

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

Therrin

Ahh, had you all heard that scientists have discovered a food that actually REDUCES the sex drive in women??? It's called.....





















Wedding Cake.

Jeff Darby

When your in deep shit,

look strait ahead,

Keep your mouth shut,

And say Nothing!

Attached Thumbnails

 

__________________

Member: Australian Tree Association

Join the Australian Tree Association...Have your voice heard !

Arboriculture, A life long study for some, a passing phase for others

© Jeffrey J Darby 2011

clementine

LOL!! That's a cracker JayD!


I went to a Christmas party the other night.
I saw this stunning blonde at the bar so I went over and said,
"Ello Darlin, ow about a dance?"
"I wouldn't dance with you" she said,
"Dance? what ya on about, I said you look fat in that dress!"

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Eric Frei

And ya got slapped for that didn't ya! LOL

I like the fox one, it's a ripper.

__________________

newguy18

this is hilarious.
> Subject: I bought my wife a Tazer gun
>
>
>> Not too long ago, I saw something at the gun shop that sparked my
>> interest.
>> The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
>> something extra for my wife. What I came across was a100,000-volt,
>> pocket/purse-sized tazer.
>>
>> The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long
>
>> term
>> adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to
> retreat to
>> safety. Needless to say, this was way too cool. Long story short, I
> bought
>> the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA Batteries in the
> thing
>> and
>> pushed the button. fokall! I was so disappointed. I learned, however,
> that
>> if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the
> same
>> time; I'd get a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between
> the
>> prongs. Awesome!
>>
>> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is
> on
>> the face of her LG convection oven.
>>
>> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
> it
>> couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? Yah.
> There I
>> sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently, the trusting little
> soul,
>> while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed
> to
>> try
>> this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I
> thought
>> about zapping Kitty for a fraction of a second, but thought better of
> it.
>> She is such a sweet cat and, as most of you already know, hell hath no
>
>> fury
>> like a cat pissed off. But, if I was going to give this thing to my
> wife
>> to
>> protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
> would
>> work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>>
>> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and my Blue Bulls supporter
> Jersey,
>> with
>> my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
> directions
>> in one hand, tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second
> burst
>> would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
> supposed
>> to
>> cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
>
>> burst
>> would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish
> out
>> of
>> water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
> batteries.
>> All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
> long,
>> less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded
> with
>> two
>> itsy, bitsy AAA batteries thinking to myself "no flippin' way!"
>>
>> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
>>
>> I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head tilted to
> one
>> side
>> as if to say, "don't do it, you stupid man," reasoning that a
> one-second
>> burst from such a tiny little ole thingy couldn't hurt all that bad. I
>> decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
>> touched
>> the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF
>> @@@!!!!,
>> WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, CRAP ON A STICK, F@&$ ME GEORGE!!!!! I'm
>> pretty
>> sure THE BLUE BULLS TEAM ran in through the side door, picked me up,
> body
>> slammed me on the carpet over and over and over again and then slammed
> the
>> recliner over my head just for fun.
>>
>> I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
> tears in
>> my eyes, body soaking wet smelling like piss, both nipples on fire,
>> testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body
> in
>> the
>> oddest position, and pins and needles in my legs. The cat was standing
>
>> over
>> me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
>> undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again you stupid
>> d00s!"
>>
>> Please take this from the voice of experience - there is no such thing
> as
>> a
>> one-second burst when you zap yourself!!!!. You will not let go of
> that
>> thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing
> about on
>> the floor! Three second burst would be considered conservative. A
> minute
>> or
>> so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
> point), I
>> collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
>> landscape.
>>
>> My bent and forlorn reading glasses were hanging miserably on the
> mantel
>> of
>> the fireplace. How did they up get there? My triceps, right thigh and
> both
>> nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
> with
>> Novocain, and judging by how my jaw hung listlessly, my bottom lip
> must
>> have
>> weighed 88 lbs.
>>
>> By the way, at this point my testicles, feeling like they withdrew
> into my
>> body somewhere around my ribcage, are still waiting for the all clear
>> signal
>> to emerge from the bomb shelter. Now I know how Tom Hanks' character
> felt
>> when he had to go search for Private Ryan. I felt like I should offer
> a
>> significant reward for their safe return. Even now, I experience
> shrinkage
>> when I plug anything into the socket.
>>
>> So if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a tazer to test
> it,
>> take my advice! Repeat after me...here, kitty kitty....

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

clementine

Will not be rushing to try that




When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was to emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything, even in the bedroom. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.










I am much older and wiser now and just looking for a girl with big tits.

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Jeff Darby

Funny bloody funny, Years ago I owned a Z1B Kawa.at the time the fastest road bike out there..coppers had them and as you know they generally have the best and fastest...Well long story short I was riding home from my then girlfiends place when something came over me to pull off my spark plug cap doing around 60mph, today around 100ks....Jeeeeezus...I'll never do that again it felt like my joints were violently stretched and I near on dumped my bike...The bloody stupid things you did in your youth!

__________________

Member: Australian Tree Association

Join the Australian Tree Association...Have your voice heard !

Arboriculture, A life long study for some, a passing phase for others

© Jeffrey J Darby 2011

Therrin

Hah, Clementine!

That was hillarious... I was reading it goin "yup.... yup, familiar with that one, yup...." Then I got to the end and went "oh crap!...." Guess I'll have to watch out for that last one.

Eric Frei

You get some rippers Clemmy, like ya new avatar too!

JayD, atleast you didn't stack the bike.

__________________

Eric Frei

Attached Thumbnails

   

__________________

clementine

Absolutely spot on Eric, LMBO!

Hope you all ave a bloomin good Christmas!!!!!!

We are in England over Christmas, weather is B....cks, went into town with the missus, we held hands the whole time, if I let go she starts going in shops

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Eric Frei

Even when you have to go the loo you're best off tying them to a post like a horse.

__________________

azrael

Ha Ha

azrael

OR this one for full ad

Eric Frei

Yeah, the Ford boys gotta drown their sorrows they didn't get one of these! LOL

__________________

Eric Frei

Then again, this ad shows the Ford ute has unreal pulling power. LOL

__________________

clementine

I have unreal pulling power when I've had lots to drink!!!!!!

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Therrin

Unreal pulling power

I had gotten a Toyota Tacoma Prerunner (4cyl) for my work truck. Big mistake... mighta been better with somethin like that XR8 thing, lol.

Didn't get the extended cab. Didn't get the V6, didn't get the 4WD. Man I really @*#()$!'d up. Was lookin at some headache racks and such but noone wants to bolt anything to a completely polymer/composite bed.

Found some spots where the big Cali fires burned through that left behind some massive pines. Killed em and burnt off all the lil crappy branches but left all the good wood still standin. Takin my ATV (Honda TRX-300 quad), up there tomorow morning to see if I can somehow make a viable path for the truck to get up there. There's gotta be dozens of cords of good seasoned pine in those things, and no brush to worry about!!!

newguy18

Do what i did get an old ford.I have a 1960 f350 flatbed.It has dual rear wheels a 4 speed and a 5.83 rear gear.it'll pul anything I'd ever hook to it.I was gonna put it up but i think I'll hold onto it for now.I could always put a 460 with a 4 barrel under the hood and race it.

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

pomme

An old man and woman are getting ready for bed. the old lady comes out of the bathroom lifts her nightie and shouts 'SUPER PUSSY' the old man looks up and says I ll have the soup.

azrael

Dear Microsoft Technical Support,

I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded my software package from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began giving unexpected errors and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Cricket 5.3 no longer run, and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Saturday Sports, Bar 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but uninstall doesn't work on this program.
Kind regards,
Joe.
THE REPLY FROM MICROSOFT:
Dear Joe,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a utilities & entertainment program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is a complete operating system, designed by its creator to run everything. You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.
Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under alimony Support and Solicitors Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can.When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:\I APOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C:\I APOLOGISE a number of times but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal. Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program, can be very rewarding.
To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not under any circumstances install Secretary 36.24.36 (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.
Thank you for using the program.
With regards,
Bill
P.S. In no case try to install the free software (Mother-in-Law 1.0) that comes with WIFE 1.0 operating system. Installing the software would lead to not responding messages from Wife1.0 operating system.

Eric Frei

That is a work of art, fantastic!

Kids asked what boxing day was about ... I said, "it's when cricket starts". LOL

__________________

azrael

Yep...someone (else) is very clever.
Cricket Ehh....is that where everyone was today...oh....except for the shooters..they were here! (Post police not around).

Done it

I have not Done this.
Trying but can't get it to work.

newguy18

what is cricket?

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler