It's just a Joke!

Garry Brockley

thats my wifes all time favorite joke.................

__________________

Treeson

Had to re-read it but couldn't stop laughing and managed to wake up the flatmates!!
Brilliant!

Steve Tipton

The following have all appeared in church magazines so let us thank God for church ladies with typewriters.

--------------------------
Next weekend's Fasting & Prayer Conference in Whitby includes all meals.
--------------------------
Sunday morning sermon: 'Jesus Walks on the Water'
Sunday evening sermon: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation .
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The school drama group will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church hall on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!'

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one coldblistery day.The daughter said to her mother,'My hands are freezing cold.'The mother replied,'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.' The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,'My hands are freezing cold.'The girl replied,'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'He did and warmed his hands.The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.He said,'My nose is cold.'The girl replied'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'He did and warmed his nose.The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said,'My penis is frozen solid.'The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again,and she asks,'Have you ever heard of a penis?'Concerned the mother said,'Why yes..... why do you ask?'The daughter replies,'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

The Wedding Fairy A married couple in their early 60 ' s were celebrating their 40th Wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.... Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I." The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!....the husband became 93 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Little India, formerly known as Australia. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Australia's third language Kookaburra plague threatens North Western Australia crops and livestock. Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped. Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica ... No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation! Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Australia Post raises price of stamps to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of a Australian drops to 250 lbs. Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Vicindia and New South India. Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. Senate still blocking drilling in Canberra even though gas is selling for 4532 Rupees per litre and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays. Tasmania executes last remaining Greenie. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030 as lethal weapons. Australian Tax Office sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. Southern Asia formerly Northern Terrority voters still having trouble with voting machines.

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'Maria: 'Jor husband did.'Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better than you in bed.'Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'Maria: 'No Señora... the gardener did.'Wife: 'Okay, how much do you want?'

__________________
Heightmaster

treerat

A train hits a bus filled with catholic school girls and they all perish.

They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl "Tiffany have you ever had any contact with a male organ?

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question ' Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well once I fondled and stroked one.'
St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls.
One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, 'Reeva, What seems to be the rush?'

The girl reples, ' If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it.'

__________________
Life is tough....It's even tougher if you're stupid...John Wayne

Steve Tipton

Last month, a world-wide phone survey was conducted by the UN.The only question asked was:-"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"The survey was a huge failure because of the following:In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant.In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.In South America ,they didn't know what "please" meant.In the US, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.And, finally........................... in Australia, they hung up because they could not understand the Indian accent

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

NEED & GREEDThis one makes so much sense... A boat docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village. A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. "Not very long." they answered in unison. "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families. "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" "We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take siestas with our wives. In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. We have a full life." The tourist interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat." "And after that?" "With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City , Los Angeles , or even New York City ! [ From there you can direct your huge new enterprise." "How long would that take?" "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist. "And after that?" "Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting, " answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!" "Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen. "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends." "With all due respect sir, but that's exactly what we are doing now. So what's the point wasting twenty-five years?" asked the Mexicans. And the moral of this story is: Know where you're going in life.... you may already be thereJ

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if shecould have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't havea bath but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire......."Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," shesaid.. So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the womanfilled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She wassurprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair, and toldher husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said,"Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see foryourself.."The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wifeasked, "Do you shave?""No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there.Do you have hairs?""Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff.When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked,"Did you see it?""Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours.""Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before.""I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"

__________________
Heightmaster

clementine

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

funarty

the shortest short story:....
A university class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.the instructions were:
The short story had to contain the following 3 things:
1. Religion
2. Sexuality
3.Mystery
Below is the only A+short story in the whole class



"Good God ,I'm pregnant :I wonder who did it."

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

funarty

The Swede's wife
stepped up to the tee and, as she bent over to place her ball, a gust of wind
blew her skirt up and revealed her lack of underwear.


"Good God,
woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole
demanded.

"Well, you don't
give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she
replied.


The Swede
immediately reached into his pocket and said, "For the sake of decency,
here's a $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."




Next, the
Irishman's wife bent over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also
blew up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. "Blessed
Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why
not?"


She replied, "I
can't afford any on the little money you give
me."

Patrick reached
into his pocket and said, "For the sake of decency, here's a $20. Go out
and buy yourself some underwear!"


Lastly, the
Scotsman's wife bent over. The wind also took her skirt over her head to
reveal that she, too, is naked.


"Sweet mudder of
Jaysus, Aggie! Where the friggin hell are yer
drawers?"

She too explained,
'You dinna give me enough money to be able at affarrd any."


The Scotsman reaches
into his pocket and said, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb. Tidy
yerself up a bit.."

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

phill ellison

Steve Tipton

Ha ha ha good one!

__________________
Heightmaster

clementine

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
name. For example, Calpol also has a generic name of
Paracetamol and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen.

N.I.C.E have been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After
careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently
announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadud, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix and of course, Ibepokin.


The Good, Bad and the Ugly side!

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a Lawyer.

3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: You and your wife agree, no more kids.
Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than your wife.

6. Good: You give the 'birds and the bee's' talk to your 10 year old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

7. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.



Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon... You got nice wife and house."

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

clementine

Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument

Most people think it improper to spank children, so other methods have been tried to control children when they have one of 'those moments.'

One that has been found to be quite effective is to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, children usually calm down and stop misbehaving after a car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.

I've included a photo below of a session with a particularly unruly child, in case you would like to use the technique.

Attached Thumbnails

 

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Victor Lindsay

Steve Tipton

FIVE SHORT STORIES BY MEN!

ONE
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning."
He said, "No, just taking a shit."

TWO
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.

THREE
My girlfriend was in labour with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'That would hurt too much'."

FOUR
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating.
I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

FIVE
I was walking down the road and saw my Afghanistan neighbour Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I want to be a movie star. Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, 'What's your name?' The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.' The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name.' I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.' The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.' 'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office. FIVE YEARS LATER... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed... Dear Sir,Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice. Sincerely, Dick van Dyke (Now I don't care who you are, that's funny!)

__________________
Heightmaster

clementine

This is just, you know, Arse

Attached Images

 

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

funarty

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.


The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American .

He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, New Zealand.
In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone.

He arrived at Ulladulla in Australia and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Australia now, son - "This is Heaven," so it's a local call'.
KEEP SMILING

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

dov

Hahahha!

__________________

sueann

A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally croaked.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."
In his final eulogy, he noted, "Thank you Lord, they're finally together."
Leaning over to his neighbour, one mourner asked... "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The other mourner then replied... "I think he means her legs."

__________________

Steve Tipton

Good one!

__________________
Heightmaster

sueann

Therrin

ROFLMAO OMGWTFBBQ that was hilarious!!!!

GTFO!

(I cant think of any more)

Therrin

Somehow I missed this on the first read through this page (yeah I really dont know, so dont ask HOW???)

Then I realized...That i'd been staring at it for about 5 minutes. So I decided to post back on it.

sueann

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little boy nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The boy was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by his dog and his cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the boy replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer. The boy had tied the wagon to his dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little boy replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'