It's just a Joke!

funarty

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COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Quintrex

Once there were 3 sisters - Ann, Jan and Fanny. All 3 had big feet.. Ann was a size 9, Jan was a size 10 and Fanny was a size 13. Ann and Jan went on a double date. Amazed, one of the boys said, "God, you two have big feet."





Ann replied, "You think they're big, you should see our Fanny's, they're massive!"

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Heightmaster

Quintrex

I swear that this is a true Bundy Rum Fishing Story.................Honest

BUNDY RUM (Bundaberg Rum)...Queensland's famous product! Forget Jamaica or any other rubbish!

(For you o/seas people..a King Brown is one of the deadliest snakes on earth. Out of the world’s top 10 deadly snakes, Australia has 5)

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a King Brown with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth,

I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle of Bundaberg rum and poured a little rum in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

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Heightmaster

Quintrex

1. When I was born, I was given a choice, a big dick or a good memory....I don't remember what I chose.

2. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

3. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

4. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

5. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

6. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

7. Virginity can be cured.

8. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

9. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

10. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

11. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

12. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

13. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

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Heightmaster

funarty

You need slapping Quintrex!

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COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Quintrex

Yes please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Heightmaster

phill ellison

where the hell you getting them all from

Done it

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time - like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him playthe piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never
made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'



Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his flippin wife.

Quintrex

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Heightmaster

Quintrex

>>
> The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an
> administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to
> Heaven.
>
> The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell,
> and after checking the paperwork the clerk admits that there is an
> error.
>
> "However", the clerk explains, "it will be 24 hours before it can be
> rectified".
>
> Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.
>
> On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and
> they stop to have a chat.
>
> "Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.
>
> "No problem" replied Tiger Woods.
>
> Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"
>
> Tiger: "Why is that?"
>
> Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
>
> Tiger: "You're a day late."
>

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Heightmaster

funarty

Sick bastard!

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COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

funarty

Paul and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon-so they
> go back to Paul's Mum and Dad's house for their first night together.
> In the morning Johnny - Paul's little brother - gets up and has his breakfast.
> As he is going out of the door to go to school - he asks his mum if
> Paul and Mary are up yet.
> She replies - No.
> Johnny asks - Do you know what I think ?
> His mum replies- I don't want to hear what you think !
> Just go to school.
>
> Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum -
> Are Paul and Mary up yet ?
> She replies- No.
> Johnny says- Do you know what I think ?
> His mum replies- Never mind what you think !
> Eat your lunch and go back to school ...
>
> After school - Johnny comes home and asks again -
> Are Paul and Mary up yet ?
> His mum says- No.
> He asks-Do you know what I think ?
> His mum replies- Ok- now tell me what you think
> He says- Last night Paul came to my room for
> the Vaseline and I think
> I gave him my model air-plane glue.

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COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Quintrex

Ouch!!!!!!!

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Heightmaster

Treeson

An Englishman, American and a Irishman all walk into a bar and order a beer. The bartender hands them their beer, however there are flies in each mug of beer.

The Englishman pushes the beer aside and says "thats disgusting!"

The American pulls the fly out and starts drinking the beer.

The Irishman pulls the fly out, sets it down on the counter and shouts "Spit it out you bastard!"

funarty

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COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

clementine

If you can't find the book you're looking for...

Maybe you're in the....

Attached Thumbnails

 

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!
Builder in Central Portugal

Treeson

Brilliant!

funarty

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COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Treeson

Drinking with Jesus


An Irishman, an Australian and a Kiwi were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man.


The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out 'My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!'


The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out, 'Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?'


The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. Yes, I am Jesus' he says.


The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him 'I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.' So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table.


Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.


The Australian then calls out, 'Errr, excuse me Sir but would you be Jesus?'


Jesus smiles and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'


The Australian beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Emu Export for Jesus. This the bartender duly does.


As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.


Then the Kiwi calls out, 'Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?'


Jesus nods and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus..'


The Kiwi is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over Pot of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure.


Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.


He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. Oh God, the arthritis is gone,' he says. 'The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!'


Jesus then shakes the hand of the Australian, thanking him for the Emu Export. Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock. Bugger me, he exclaims, 'The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It s a Miracle!'


Jesus then approaches the Kiwi, who has a terrified look on his face.


The Kiwi whispers.'P!ss off mate, I'm on ACC'.

phill ellison

clementine

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the=course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'
'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.

' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her......He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbour, he was a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few
Minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!
Builder in Central Portugal

Treeson

Treeson

THE HOLE IN THE FENCE

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic rubbish bags behind her. One of the bags had a rip, and every once in a while, a $20 note fell out onto the footpath.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

"Where did you get all that money?" the cop asked. "You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, of course now", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, all the drunken fans line up and piss through a hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. Disgusting. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know."

Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'OK, buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

clementine

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'


The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woke him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!
Builder in Central Portugal

woodmiller

Ok, I will admit it...my sense of humour may be a little warped, but has anyone else thought it rather neat that on a forum like this that is focussed around trees, that one must log out at the end of the session?

JayD

I had to read it twice...then the penny dropped, so I put it where it belongs....

__________________

Level 4 Arborist/ FPIFGM 3204A: Fall trees manually (intermediate)

Arboriculture, A life long study for some, a passing phase for others

clementine

Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Darling, twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."
His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you."

They embraced and kissed. On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation; I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me."

The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, and then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on it's side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.
He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheating bast*rd!! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul... and all these years you've been playing off the ladies tees?!"

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!
Builder in Central Portugal

Quintrex

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Heightmaster

Galbee

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ ____ ___________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you sh * tting me?
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did y ou go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
____________ _________ _________ _________ __
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ _________ _________ ________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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In the land of the blind, the man with one eye is king

Quintrex

THE HORTH WHITHPERERIf you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!!A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?''That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.'A female horth.'So he shows him a prized filly.'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. 'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

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Heightmaster