It's just a Joke!

treerat

That's a good one!! I'll have to show my son that one

newguy18

Whats the american equvilant of a tasmanian?

A mexican.

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old schooler

clementine

Poor 'ole Santa!

Attached Thumbnails

 

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

clementine

A class of children were asked:

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?


(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with..
- Kristen, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date..
- Martin, age 10 (Who said boys don't have brains?)


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7 (I could not have said it better myself)

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7 (Good Point)

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8 (Who made the rule?)


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is........


HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10 (The boy already understands)

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Eric Frei

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Eric Frei

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funarty

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink.

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy. "Back home in Belfast, there'sMick's Bar. The moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.



Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout downPaddy's claims, but he swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, still suspicious. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted Paddy. "But it did happen to me sister quite a few times.

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COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Garry Brockley

ha ha ha ha ha ha funny

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Treeson

haha good o!

Treeson

Bible class

Jill always falls asleep in Bible class, one day her teacher notices she is sleeping and asks her "Who died on the cross for our sins?"
Her friend pokes her in the back and she yells out "Jesus"

The next day, somebody asked her "who died on the cross for our sins? Her friend poked her in the back again and she yelled out "Jesus"

The following day she was again sleeping in Bible class and the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam in the garden?"
Her friend poked her in the back again and Jill yelled out "If you poke me with that thing one more time I'm goin a break it off!!!"

phill ellison

ha ha ha , not bad mate

funarty

Good one

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COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

treerat

A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him smiled and said, Hello. My name is Carmen. That's a beautiful name, he replied. Is it a family name??
No she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most... Cars and Men, therefore, I chose "Carmen"

What's your name, she said???
He answered,"B.J. Titsengolf."

clementine

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what I'm going to do with you", says the devil.
"You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who you may recognise, they weren't quite as bad as you, so I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll show you where they are kept and you decide which place you would like to stay in".
Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!", George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I can't do that, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day", commented George.

The devil opens a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Bush smiles in disbelief and says, "Yep!, This is the place for me alright!"

The devil smiles and says,

"OK Monica, you're free to go."

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

rbtree

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. Why was the Canadian woodpecker able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in his own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, Tiger Woods was right when he said your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

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http://www.??????.com/photos/rbtree

Treeson

Brilliant

Treeson

Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone out for a gilrs night out, and had been decidedly over-enthsiastic on the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly reallised they both needed to pee. They were near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone of something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but she was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home without her panties".
"Thats nothing", said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between her cheeks of her butt that said 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you'!

clementine

Retiring to Alaska

Jim owns a nightclub for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits, sells up and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

'Great', says Jim, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks, thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. gonna be some drinking.'

'Not a problem' says Jim. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.' Says Jim.

'More'n likely be some wild sex too!' Says Cliff with a 'ry smile

'Now that's really not a problem' says Jim, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'




'Don't much matter', Cliff says, 'Just gonna be the two of us.'

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

phill ellison

LOL

Treeson

Classic!

Treeson

Very expensive mouthwash

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -"Sir would
you like to buy a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"

Aghast the man said, "are you nuts?, thats robbery!"

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -"Sir since your a bit irate, I'll
sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

Again the man replies blunty, "You must be crazy pal, now go away!"

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them, he tells the irate guy -"Sir please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly , the guy spits it out and says: "HEY", he snarled this brownie tastes like crap!"

It is replied the salesman, "Wanna buy some mouthwash!"

Treeson

A little old lady is on a bus buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling
in a voluminous bag for the correct change. After 15 minutes the conductor
becomes so enraged that he hits her over the head with the ticket
dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly.

Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row. Just before he is to
be electricuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he
devours. They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he sits there
smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from god and he
is freed.

Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily dispensing tickets when
he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus. Enraged he
lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offenders neck and killing
her.

Again he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of
bananas and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him. This time the
executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he
tries everything -but the conductor wont die, so again he is set free.

Amazingly he regains his job, it takes him 1 day to lose his temper and beat
to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns to death
row, eats the bananas and survives the electrocution.

At this point, the executioner can take no more, his professional pride has
been hurt. Before setting our friend free again he asks him his secret
-"What is it with the bananas?"

"Oh it's nothing to do with the bananas" replies our friend,

"I'm just a bad conductor"!

phill ellison

ha ha ha

newguy18

what do you call a sex change operation on a woman?

addadicktome.

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old schooler

Steve Tipton

TRUE STORY:


A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Penny Wong happened to appear. Ms Wong took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Wong .

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''


Wong thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.




......................and she represented us in Copenhagen toooooooooooo!

you should be worried,

very worried !

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Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

Subject: FW: anz caring death

Note to self: 'Cancel credit cards prior to death!
>
> Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless
> and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!
>
> A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and
> March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
> Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge The balance had
> been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.
>
> A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:
>
> Family Member:
> 'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'
>
> ANZ:
> 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
>
> Family Member:
> 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
>
> ANZ:
> 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been..'
>
> Family Member:
> So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
>
> ANZ:
> 'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
> the credit bureau, maybe both!'
>
> Family Member:
> 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
>
> ANZ:
> 'Excuse me?'
>
> Family Member:
> 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her
> being dead?'
>
> ANZ:
> 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
>
> Supervisor gets on the phone:
> Family Member:
> 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'
>
> ANZ:
> 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
>
> Family Member:
> 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
>
> ANZ:
> (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
>
> Family Member:
> 'No, I'm her great nephew.'
> (Lawyer info given)
>
> ANZ:
> 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
>
> Family Member:
> 'Sure.'
> ( fax number is given )
>
> After they get the fax:
>
> ANZ:
> 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I
> can do to help.'
>
> Family Member:
> 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
> her. I don't think she will care.'
>
> ANZ:
> 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'
>
> Family Member:
> 'Would you like her new billing address?'
>
> ANZ:
> 'That might help.'
>
> Family Member:
> ' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number
> 1049.'
>
> ANZ:
> 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
>
> Family Member:
> 'Well, what the F**K do you do with dead people on your planet?'

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Heightmaster

dov

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"

Little boy: "What the f**k do you think?"

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Steve Tipton

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT: (This one is too funny not to forward!) My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.' She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.' To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch

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Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

Subject: The asylum fairy A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Centrelink Offices. 'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in Australia with your wife and seven children.'The man told the fairy: 'Well, in Sri Lanka where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !!! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go'.The refugee claimant now got bolder.'I need a big house with a three car garage on the Gold Coast with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in Sri Lanka . I want to bring them all over here.PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand. I want to be Australian with Australian clothes instead of the rags and shawl , and I want to have white skin like the Australians.'PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out Stubbies shorts, a dirty Bonds T-shirt and a greasy terry-towel hat. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are Australian, you're entitled to sweet f*** all like the rest of us”.And she disappeared

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Heightmaster

Eric Frei

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