It's just a Joke!

clementine

Not for the religious!

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

funarty

Yer typical male!

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

clementine

?????

Typical person I would have said.

Coming from a male perspective of course!

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Garry Brockley

that guy is hilarious i used to listen to his program all the time. not a male view just a person with very a very good understanding of how things are and explained in a setirical way.

__________________

Steve Tipton

> EVER WONDER where we are headed...
> >
> >
> >
> > Why the sun lightens our hair,
> > but darkens our skin?

> > Why women can't put on mascara
> > with their mouth closed?
> >
> > Why you don't ever see the headline:
> > "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
> >
> > Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
> >
> > Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?
> >
> > Why you have to click on "Start"
> > to stop Windows 98?
> >
> > Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing
> > liquid is made with real lemons?
> >
> > Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"?
> >
> > Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food?
> >
> > Who tastes dog food when it has a
> > "new & improved" flavor?
> >
> > Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
> >
> > Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
> >
> > Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the
> > indestructible black box?
> >
> > Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
> >
> > Why they are called apartments when
> > they are all stuck together?
> >
> > If con is the opposite of pro,
> > is Congress the opposite of progress?
> >
> > Why they call the airport "the terminal"
> > if flying is so safe?
> >
> > In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because
> > of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
> >
> > On a Myer hairdryer:
> > "Do not use while sleeping".
> > (Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
> >
> > On a bag of Chips:
> > You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
> > (The shoplifter special?)
> >
> > On a bar of Palmolive soap:
> > "Directions: Use like regular soap".
> > (And that would be how???)
> >
> > On some frozen dinners:
> > "Serving suggestion: Defrost".
> >
> > On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert
> > (printed on bottom):
> > "Do not turn upside down".
> > (Well...duh, a bit late now)!
> >
> > On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
> > "Product will be hot after heating".
> >
> > On packaging for a K-Mart iron:
> > "Do not iron clothes on body".
> > (But wouldn't this save me more time?)
> >
> > On Children Cough Medicine:
> > "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".
> > (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
> > could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)
> >
> > On Nytol Sleep Aid:
> > "Warning: May cause drowsiness".
> >
> > On most brands of Christmas lights:
> > "For indoor or outdoor use only".
> > (As opposed to...what?)
> >
> > On a Japanese food processor:
> > "Not to be used for the other use".
> > (Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
> >
> > On Nobby's peanuts:
> > "Warning: contains nuts".
> >
> > On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
> > "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".
> >
> > I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one:
> > On a child's superman costume:
> > "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".
> >
> > On a Swedish chainsaw:
> > "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".
> >
> > *Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the
> > stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe
> > even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone. We all need to
> > smile every once in a while.*
> >
> >
> > ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >
> >> >
> >
>

__________________
Heightmaster

treerat

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explanining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions"

The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time"

She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis."

funarty

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

clementine

Guy goes to a local disco where he meets a lovely looking girl. He introduces himself and they get chatting.
He asks her for a dance, she agrees and in no time at all they are talking as though they had know each other for years.
They leave and go for a snack. Time passes, in no time at all it is 1 a.m.
"I.ve really got to go home", says the guy.
She thinks for a moment and says,
"look! my flats near here, stay with me for the night".
He is overjoyed. Off they go and of course you can imagine the joy they had. After it was finished she said,
"my goodness you really acted as though you had'nt done that for a long time".
"That's true, he said , I have just completed 4 months of treatment at the V.D. clinic".
"Oh, have you?" said the girl.

"What's it like? I've got to go in tomorrow"

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Steve Tipton

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer;
that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more
of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways -
Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'




AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

'Today is a gift, that is why it is called The Present.'


___________________________________________________________________

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

LET me see if I understand all this...



IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS
HARD LABOR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.


IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.



IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.



IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM
AGAIN.



IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY
AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.



IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO
POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.

IF YOU CROSS THE AUSTRALIAN BOARDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET A JOB, A DRIVERS
LICENCE, PENSION CARD, WELFARE, CREDIT CARDS, SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A
LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE, FREE EDUCATION AND FREE HEALTH CARE.

SO TELL ME PLEASE............WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?

__________________
Heightmaster

clementine

After no dates or sex for 5 years a woman goes to see a chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.
He says, "take off aw your cwoves, get down and craw reery reery fast to other side of room".
"Okay", Says Dr Chang, "Now craw reery reery fast back".
As she did Dr Chang shook his head.
"Your probwem vewwy vewwy bad! Worse case of Ed Zachery disease I ever see. Dat why u get no dates for so wong".
She says, "God whats Ed Zachery disease?"

Dr Chang says, "Is when your face wooks Ed Zachery like your arse!"

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Garry Brockley

__________________

Steve Tipton

A Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The Gorilla was on heat..

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a big Kiwi (New Zealand) lad & former All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.

Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have Sex with the gorilla for $500?
Graham showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day Graham announced that he would accept their offer but, only under three conditions:
'Fust,' he said, 'I don't want to have to kuss er.'
'Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus.'
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions and asked what his third condition was.
'Wull,' said Graham , 'You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

>> Itchy Parts
>>
>> A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in
>> the groin area.
>>
>> The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his
>> desk.
>>
>> He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she
>> hears snip, snip, snip, snip.
>>
>> The doctor emerges from under her skirt. "How's that?" he asks "Well,
>> it's a lot better actually" she says, "but...........it's still
>> there."
>>
>> Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt. Snip, snip, snip,snip.
>>
>> Out he comes. "How's that?" he asks again more confident.
>>
>> "That's wonderful! What did you do?" she asked.
>> "I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots."

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

Frikkie Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa .
While on holiday in Australia, he decided to spend an afternoon visiting Bondi Beach.
As he sat on the beach looking out to sea he saw a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by,
“What are all those little black things out there?”
“They're buoys,” said the Aussie.
“Boys!” replied Van der Merwe. “What are they doing out there?”
“Holding up the shark net,” the Aussie told him.
“ Bloody great country!” said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed.
“We'd never get away with that at home!”

__________________
Heightmaster

rick

Security Alerts

As a result of a recent escalation of terrorism in Afghanistan , the United Nations is pondering the situation. In the meantime member states have taken the initiative…

The British have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
even "A Bit Cross." The British have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has
increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate
Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat
Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their
allies, just in case.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!',
"I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is
cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

funarty

Dear Grim Reaper,

So far this year you have taken away my favourite dancer Michael Jackson, my favourite actor Patrick Swayze, my favourite singer Stephen Gately and my favourite actress Farah Fawcett.

Just so you know, my favourite politician is Kevin Rudd.

Regards

Malcolm Turnbull

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

newguy18

I'll have to write him and tell him obama's my favorite.

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

funarty

This is great advice and I hope you all can use this!!!

THESE REALLY WORK!!
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE
ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY
USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR
A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE
A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL
BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T
MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE
DUCT TAPE

7. IF YOU CAN' T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: ...............................................................................................

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY
BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

treerat

A true fairy tale.....

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

funarty

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
She said," NO!"And the girl lived happily ever after and never had PMS!(putting up with male shit!)

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

treerat

treerat

Mad Wife Disease:

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and wacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it'', She replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation"

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, " WTF was that for??"


She replied..... "your horse called"

clementine

Get on my Horse (don't watch more than five or six verses) is a catchy little number, maybe the next number 1.
You will be singing it in your sleep I tell you!!!



Dagens musikvideo @ Existenz.se


Amazhung!

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Garry Brockley

thats bloody funny and yes catchy as hell funny funny funny

__________________

clementine

Generally, I hate the warnings that get sent around but I have to admit that this one is important.

Please protect everyone you know by sending this message to them all.

If someone comes to your front door and tells you that they are conducting a serious survey and then asks you to show them your bum, do NOT show them your bum!

This is just a scam. They only want to see your bum.



I wish I'd got this message yesterday, I feel so stupid and cheap.

Attached Thumbnails

 

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

funarty

Paddy
and Mick drove toLondon to donate sperm. It was a
disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the
bus!



A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on
a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the
Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust
"I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my
lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I
didn't know we had a choice!"


Paddy calls Easyjet to book a
flight.

The operator asks "How many people are
flying with you ?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your f***ing
plane!"



Paddy and Murphy are working on
a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the
day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters ,
hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB!

I'M A
LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman
shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the
site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as
well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I
can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.


Two Irish couples decided to
swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex,
Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting
on"


Paddy takes his new wife to bed on
their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled
and says "You know what I want don't you ?"

"Yeah," says Paddy..
"The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"


Q. What's a Catholic
priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. A
black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you
get a dodgy one!



Paddy, the electrician, got sacked
from the U.S. prison service for
not

servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional
opinion it was a death trap!



Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of
the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to
identify her.

A detective held up the head to which Paddy
said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that
tall!"


Paddy and his wife are lying in bed
and the neighbours' dog is barking like

mad in the garden. Paddy
says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes
back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do
?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see
how they like it!"



Paddy is said to be shocked at finding
out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I
didn't even know they had mobile phones!"



Mick and Paddy are reading head stones
at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke
here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name ?"

Mick
replies "Miles, from London !"

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

clementine

Don't swallow your bubblegum!

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

arborjockey

The ISA has had ice water at all their events up until this last year when the guy with the formula moved to australia. They found some bones on the ISA's home campus and when the dna test came back it ended up being the 1933 hide and go seek champion. wank wank

funarty

An elderly man and woman, (John and Doris) both in their 70's, (close enough) walk into a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'





The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'





The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple
is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.





When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way
you have intercourse...' He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says good bye.





A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.





This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment,
has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.





Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask.
Just what are you trying to find out?'












The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET