It's just a Joke!

Therrin

This..is hillarious. (warning, viewer discression advised for use of "moderate" language)

Garry Brockley

loved it ken

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funarty

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?'
the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the
ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without
missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket,
not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery
store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was
stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been
waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'"
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid
on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed
a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it,
the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged
under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car
and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips
and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says,
'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of fuel!

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009 !!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's
final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for
you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear
attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand
and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was
suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at
the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess
you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her
husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need
you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's Perfect'.

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COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

funarty

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheelchair.. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said...

Rang the doorbell didn't I?

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COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

clementine

That's a cracker Fun!

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Steve Tipton

Possibly the best blonde joke of the year



A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed; "I don't have any money! But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.'
"Yes! Yes, anything!" the blonde promised.
"Well, then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
"Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did. He then said, "Now get on your knees."
She did.
"Now take down my zipper," he instructed.
She did.'
"Now go ahead... Take it out...," he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands. She then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered... "Well...go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips... Tentatively she said...
"Hello Mom? Can you hear me?"

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

You must read it

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered aglass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass ofchampagne, too!' 'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. Iam celebrating.' 'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman. ''What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?' 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today mygynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!' 'What a coincidence!' said the man? 'I'm a chicken farmer and for yearsall of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilisedeggs.' 'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?' 'I used a different cock,' he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence'.

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Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

THE STORY OF EVERY MAN!
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became
so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her..
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She
did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.. She
was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious, that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now and am looking for a girl with big tits.

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Heightmaster

funarty

Very apt!
1.Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.



2.Phone answering machine message ... If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...

3.A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.

4.I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5.I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, No, the steaks are too high.

6.My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7.A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!;
The doctor replied, I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.

8.I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly... They lit a fire in the craft,
it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

10.Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

11.Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says: I'll give you some cream to put on it.

12.'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That's the Tom Jones syndrome."
' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual".

13.A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?";
"Well" says the vet, let's have a look at him; So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." What? Because he's cross-eyed? "No, because he's really heavy."

14.Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my Backside."
"How's that?" "Don't you start!"

15.Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16.What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17.So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great; the world's your oyster, go for it."

18.Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family,
so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin,
or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think it’s Colin.

19.Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat git!"

20.Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

21.You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

22.A man walked into the doctors, he said, I've hurt my arm in several places; The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

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COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Therrin

Those were terrrible! The only good one of the whole lot was about the fsh.

funarty

Awww come on!

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COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

clementine

Sex On Mars

The year is 2522 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'


'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

treelinx

G'day
Thought this may bring a laugh (and a few questions?)

Attached Thumbnails

 

kiwi_tree_steve

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"You have to feel and touch a tree" Shigo

clementine

How all holidays should begin!

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Garry Brockley

hahaha the dutch have a funny sense of humour!

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clementine

A smooth young real estate agent is trying to sell a $4,000,000 sea view villa in Acapulco to a very frail old man.


"It would be an absolutely marvellous investment." says the agent.

"Investment, Ha!, are you nuts?" says the frail old man.

"At my age I don't even buy green bananas."

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

stargazer

One day, an old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things

1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blond girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blond woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Steve Tipton

BUNDY RUM (Bundaberg Rum)...Queensland's famous product! Forget Jamacia or any other rubbish! (For you o/seas people..a King Brown is one of the deadliest snakes on earth. Out of the top 10, Australia has 5.

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran
out of worms.
Then I saw a King Brown with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth,
I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait
bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.
I grabbed my bottle of Bundaberg rum and poured a little rum in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without
incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? ' he asked.

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs - $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face........ .......PRICELESS

__________________
Heightmaster

funarty

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Steve Tipton

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'

'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.

'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'

'No, would you like to give it a try?'

Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?'

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'

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Heightmaster

funarty

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mum on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The pparents stop and his mum quickly dismounts,pulling the covers around her.
"What are you and daddy doing?" the boy asks his mum.
"Well, your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top to of it to help flatten it,"she explains.
"Your wasting your time," says the boy.
"when you go shopping the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up."

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COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Steve Tipton

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, while waiting for their respective flights...


One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer, another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East .

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face, and lights a cigarette. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.


Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, 'At one time here... my people were many...
but sadly, now we are few.'


The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward,
'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?'


The cowboy removes his cigarette from his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl......

'I reckon that's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet,
But I do believe it's a-comin'.'

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

QUESTION: How does a cricket commentator describe a female streaker?

ANSWER:

There is no cover, no extra cover, no slip, but 2 silly points &
2 fine legs, a deep gully... and little grass on the pitch!
Will be bit wet after overnight rain.
Anyway it's going to be a fine batting pitch.
Good for googlies and better for finger spin......

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

A couple went for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and ordered the 'Chicken Surprise'.





The waiter brought the meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot.





Just as the wife was about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rose slightly and she briefly saw two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slammed back down.





"Good grief, did you see that?" she asked her husband. He hadn't, so she asked him to look in the pot. He reached for it and again the lid rose and he saw two little eyes looking around before it slammed down.






Rather perturbed, he called the waiter over, explained what was happening, and demanded an explanation.





"Please sir," said the waiter, "what you order?"





The husband replied, "Chicken Surprise."





(You're going to love this. You're going to hate yourself for loving this!)



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"Ah! So sorry," said the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

My neighbours.........the lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday.I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch

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Heightmaster

funarty

Love the dog one

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COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Steve Tipton

The bloody liar!

__________________
Heightmaster