It's just a Joke!

clementine · 25th August 2009, 07:58 AM

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.

Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.

The following day, when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the camp ground with a cold beer and fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"

"I didn't have to," Dave replied. "Last night when I left you lot, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the wife sneaked up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!!"

"When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want!'

SO, here I am!!!!!

funarty · 25th August 2009, 02:26 PM

Way to go!

clementine · 31st August 2009, 10:57 AM

One here for the more observent and of good heart! You'll need the sound on to play!

Optical Illusions

Click onto " View Instructions"

Steve Tipton · 31st August 2009, 08:01 PM

> Brakpan couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her
> heart out.
> Husband says ' Oh for f * ck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister'
>
> __________________________________
>
> My ex asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come
> back
> as something else.
>
> She said she wanted to come back as a cow.
>
> I said, 'You're not f * cking listening'
> _____________________________________________
>
> Was depressed last night, rang lifeline --
> Got a call centre in Afghanistan , told them I was suicidal.
>
> They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck??
>
> _______________________________________________
>
> I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.
>
> I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle
> backwards, gets in the car and f * cks off.
>
> __________________________________________________
>
> Today an Abbo was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot
> twice.
>
> Redfern police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.
>
> ___________________________________________________
>
> A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today...
> Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push
> it
> inside the mosque.
>
> ____________________________________________________
>
> Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos.
> She asks what are they made of.
>
> The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a
> pair.
>
> The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant says 'Don't
> worry,
> we have them in black for $4.99.

Steve Tipton · 31st August 2009, 08:02 PM

Oh To Be 12 Again... A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers theme park. What a day!He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?' Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

funarty · 1st September 2009, 11:53 AM

You must really hate womyn!!

Therrin · 2nd September 2009, 05:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by clementine

One here for the more observent and of good heart! You'll need the sound on to play!

Optical Illusions

Click onto " View Instructions"

DAMN YOU CLEMMY! That one got me GOOD! Sitting here late at night, all quiet, took my time with the first 3, just relaxing, focused in really ATTENTIVELY on the last one.

*shakes fist at you* It'll take a month for my heart rate to come back down.

I even brought my dad in here to check it out too. Made him stare at the horse one for a good long while. He was bending down and staring into the monitor, just about fell over on me when it got to the last one. He was laughing all the way back to his bedroom. Hah! Nice...

clementine · 3rd September 2009, 04:28 AM

First time got me pretty good too!

So then I asked the missus to check it out for me

Been a while since she called me a "B......!" but that fetched it out of her!

clementine · 3rd September 2009, 02:04 PM

Another one here:

"The Maze" / Winterrowd.com

Steve Tipton · 3rd September 2009, 06:13 PM

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. 'Dear, Mum. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mum, I'm 21, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Nicholas. "P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk"I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Steve Tipton · 3rd September 2009, 06:16 PM

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. “Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name? “Morris Fishbien,” he replied. “Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?” “For about 60 years.” “60 years! - That’s amazing! What do you pray for?” “I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.” “I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.” “I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.” “How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?” “Like I’m talking to a f*cking brick wall!"

Steve Tipton · 3rd September 2009, 07:03 PM

Subject: Assistant !!

A chemist walks back into his shop after a short break and sees a man leaning against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant

"He came in for cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives" replied the assistant.

"You f#cken idiot" exclaims the chemist, "you can't treat a cough with laxatives"

"Of course you can" replies the assistant, "look at him, he's too f#cken scared to cough"

Nebula · 3rd September 2009, 10:36 PM

A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this. The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now."

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis.

So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tattoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie.

So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: "First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it."

Nebula · 3rd September 2009, 10:38 PM

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed and turned on the television.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote."

Eric Frei · 3rd September 2009, 11:05 PM

Yeah, and atleast when you push a button on that thing it does something!

Nebula · 3rd September 2009, 11:11 PM

Jeff Darby · 4th September 2009, 02:23 PM

Quote:

A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this. The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now."

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis.

So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tattoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie.

So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: "First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it."

Food for thought

clementine · 6th September 2009, 04:51 AM

Ouch!

Sexy lady!

clementine · 11th September 2009, 11:08 PM

Imagine you're on a plane, using your lap top and you find this site accidently:

The End!!!!

And the passenger next to you spots it

Steve Tipton · 12th September 2009, 11:22 PM

A few minutes before the church services started, the con greg ation wassitting in their pews and talking.Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone startedscreaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in afrantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who satcalmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact thatGod's ultimate enemy was in his presence.So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.''Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for alleternity?' persisted Satan.'Yep,' was the calm reply.'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.'Nope,' said the old man.More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?'The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years...

Steve Tipton · 12th September 2009, 11:24 PM

A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows: 'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?''Do you know which ward she is in?''Yes, ward P, room 2B''I'll just put you through to the nurse station.''Hello, ward P, how can I help?''I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?''I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.''Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!''You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?''No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f... all in here

southsoundtree · 13th September 2009, 02:46 AM

clean jokes:

what do you call a fly (insect) with no wings? A "walk".
What do you call a cow with three legs? Tri-tip beef
2 legs? lean beef
1? beef steak/ stake
no legs? ground beef.

Auditory is better than written.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? "no eye dear"/ No idea-r.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, standing still? Still no idea-r.
not as clean: what do you call a deer with no eyes, no nuts, standing still?
Still, no f*&^ing idea-r.

What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone? You can't hear a vitamin (whore moan).

What's the difference between a lesbian and Triscuit? one's a snack cracker (like a crisp, for british english speakers), and the other a crack snacker.

funarty · 14th September 2009, 08:48 AM

A WOMAN'S YEARLY EXAM

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with
certain basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asks. I say, "135."

The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 185.

The nurse asks, "Your height?" I answer, "5' 5"."

The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5 feet 2 inches.

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me that it's very high.

"Of course it's high!" I scream. "When I came in here I was tall
and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on Prozac.

What a bitch.

Steve Tipton · 15th September 2009, 08:26 PM

Two young men from Glasgow , Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's upcoming wedding.

"It's all going like magic," says Jock.

"I've got everything organised already - the flowers, the church, the cars, the rings." Archie nods approvingly.

"Man, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie.

"That's grand. And what's the tartan?"

"Oh," says Jock.

"I imagine she'll be in white."

Steve Tipton · 15th September 2009, 08:33 PM

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'
The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'
The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!'
'OK.' said the old Jewish man, 'It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
'Your f*cking brother won't let me in without a tie!!!

clementine · 26th September 2009, 08:54 AM

Two nuns were cycling down the road to the convent.
"I've never come this way before!" Said the first nun.
"Neither have I!" Said the second nun, "It must be the cobbles!"

clementine · 5th October 2009, 12:02 PM

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It 's these breasts You have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain."

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".

"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was My first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the
bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden .

" Well, Eve, how is My favourite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.
Now, Let's see....where did I put that useless Tit?"

Now , doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

treelinx · 5th October 2009, 12:35 PM

Thought you mob would like this-

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you,
unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'. 'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line
around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...
So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

funarty · 5th October 2009, 04:32 PM

EWWW!

A man died and went to Heaven.

As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates,

He saw a huge wall of clocks behind him..
He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'

'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands
Have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved
twice, telling us that Abraham told
Only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Anna Bligh's clock?' asked the man.

St Peter replied, 'Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling
fan.'

Therrin · 6th October 2009, 05:01 AM

25th August 2009, 07:58 AM	#991
clementine Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Shropshire, UK Posts: 509	Re: It's just a Joke! Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated. The following day, when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the camp ground with a cold beer and fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?" "I didn't have to," Dave replied. "Last night when I left you lot, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the wife sneaked up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!!" "When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want!' SO, here I am!!!!! __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

25th August 2009, 02:26 PM	#992
funarty Mature tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: townsville Q.L.D. Australia Posts: 315	Re: It's just a Joke! Way to go! __________________ COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

31st August 2009, 10:57 AM	#993
clementine Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Shropshire, UK Posts: 509	Re: It's just a Joke! One here for the more observent and of good heart! You'll need the sound on to play! Optical Illusions Click onto " View Instructions" __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

31st August 2009, 08:01 PM	#994
Steve Tipton Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 823	Re: It's just a Joke! > Brakpan couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her > heart out. > Husband says ' Oh for f * ck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister' > > __________________________________ > > My ex asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come > back > as something else. > > She said she wanted to come back as a cow. > > I said, 'You're not f * cking listening' > _____________________________________________ > > Was depressed last night, rang lifeline -- > Got a call centre in Afghanistan , told them I was suicidal. > > They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck?? > > _______________________________________________ > > I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. > > I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle > backwards, gets in the car and f * cks off. > > __________________________________________________ > > Today an Abbo was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot > twice. > > Redfern police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen. > > ___________________________________________________ > > A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today... > Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push > it > inside the mosque. > > ____________________________________________________ > > Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos. > She asks what are they made of. > > The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a > pair. > > The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant says 'Don't > worry, > we have them in black for $4.99. __________________ Heightmaster

31st August 2009, 08:02 PM	#995
Steve Tipton Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 823	Re: It's just a Joke! Oh To Be 12 Again... A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers theme park. What a day!He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?' Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong. __________________ Heightmaster

1st September 2009, 11:53 AM	#996
funarty Mature tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: townsville Q.L.D. Australia Posts: 315	Re: It's just a Joke! You must really hate womyn!! __________________ COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

3rd September 2009, 04:28 AM	#998
clementine Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Shropshire, UK Posts: 509	Re: It's just a Joke! First time got me pretty good too! So then I asked the missus to check it out for me Been a while since she called me a "B......!" but that fetched it out of her! __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

3rd September 2009, 02:04 PM	#999
clementine Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Shropshire, UK Posts: 509	Re: It's just a Joke! Another one here: "The Maze" / Winterrowd.com __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

3rd September 2009, 06:13 PM	#1000
Steve Tipton Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 823	Re: It's just a Joke! A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. 'Dear, Mum. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mum, I'm 21, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Nicholas. "P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk"I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home. __________________ Heightmaster

3rd September 2009, 06:16 PM	#1001
Steve Tipton Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 823	Re: It's just a Joke! A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. “Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name? “Morris Fishbien,” he replied. “Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?” “For about 60 years.” “60 years! - That’s amazing! What do you pray for?” “I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.” “I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.” “I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.” “How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?” “Like I’m talking to a f*cking brick wall!" __________________ Heightmaster

3rd September 2009, 07:03 PM	#1002
Steve Tipton Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 823	Re: It's just a Joke! Subject: Assistant !! A chemist walks back into his shop after a short break and sees a man leaning against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant "He came in for cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives" replied the assistant. "You f#cken idiot" exclaims the chemist, "you can't treat a cough with laxatives" "Of course you can" replies the assistant, "look at him, he's too f#cken scared to cough" __________________ Heightmaster

3rd September 2009, 10:36 PM	#1003
Nebula Sappling Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Byron Bay, NSW Posts: 46	Re: It's just a Joke! A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this. The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now." So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis. So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tattoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie. So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: "First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it."

3rd September 2009, 10:38 PM	#1004
Nebula Sappling Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Byron Bay, NSW Posts: 46	Re: It's just a Joke! One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed and turned on the television. "Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered. He whispered back, "I found the remote."

3rd September 2009, 11:05 PM	#1005
Eric Frei Admin - Razor sharp and independent 2 X Diploma Level 5 qualified arborist Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Brisbane Posts: 12,820	Re: It's just a Joke! Yeah, and atleast when you push a button on that thing it does something! __________________ Protect your rights to work - Join Australian Tree Association My businesses:- Qualified Brisbane Tree Lopping \| Stump Grinding Brisbane \| Brisbane - Gold Coast Consulting Arborist

3rd September 2009, 11:11 PM	#1006
Nebula Sappling Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Byron Bay, NSW Posts: 46	Re: It's just a Joke!

11th September 2009, 11:08 PM	#1009
clementine Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Shropshire, UK Posts: 509	Re: It's just a Joke! Imagine you're on a plane, using your lap top and you find this site accidently: The End!!!! And the passenger next to you spots it __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

12th September 2009, 11:22 PM	#1010
Steve Tipton Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 823	Re: It's just a Joke! A few minutes before the church services started, the con greg ation wassitting in their pews and talking.Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone startedscreaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in afrantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who satcalmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact thatGod's ultimate enemy was in his presence.So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.''Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for alleternity?' persisted Satan.'Yep,' was the calm reply.'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.'Nope,' said the old man.More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?'The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years... __________________ Heightmaster

12th September 2009, 11:24 PM	#1011
Steve Tipton Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 823	Re: It's just a Joke! A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows: 'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?''Do you know which ward she is in?''Yes, ward P, room 2B''I'll just put you through to the nurse station.''Hello, ward P, how can I help?''I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?''I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.''Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!''You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?''No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f... all in here __________________ Heightmaster

13th September 2009, 02:46 AM	#1012
southsoundtree Semi-mature vigorous tree Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Olympia, WA, USA Posts: 84	Re: It's just a Joke! clean jokes: what do you call a fly (insect) with no wings? A "walk". What do you call a cow with three legs? Tri-tip beef 2 legs? lean beef 1? beef steak/ stake no legs? ground beef. Auditory is better than written. What do you call a deer with no eyes? "no eye dear"/ No idea-r. What do you call a deer with no eyes, standing still? Still no idea-r. not as clean: what do you call a deer with no eyes, no nuts, standing still? Still, no f*&^ing idea-r. What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone? You can't hear a vitamin (whore moan). What's the difference between a lesbian and Triscuit? one's a snack cracker (like a crisp, for british english speakers), and the other a crack snacker.

14th September 2009, 08:48 AM	#1013
funarty Mature tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: townsville Q.L.D. Australia Posts: 315	Re: It's just a Joke! A WOMAN'S YEARLY EXAM I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics. "How much do you weigh?" she asks. I say, "135." The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 185. The nurse asks, "Your height?" I answer, "5' 5"." The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5 feet 2 inches. She then takes my blood pressure and tells me that it's very high. "Of course it's high!" I scream. "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!" She put me on Prozac. What a bitch. __________________ COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

15th September 2009, 08:26 PM	#1014
Steve Tipton Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 823	Re: It's just a Joke! Two young men from Glasgow , Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's upcoming wedding. "It's all going like magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already - the flowers, the church, the cars, the rings." Archie nods approvingly. "Man, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock. "A kilt?" exclaims Archie. "That's grand. And what's the tartan?" "Oh," says Jock. "I imagine she'll be in white." __________________ Heightmaster

15th September 2009, 08:33 PM	#1015
Steve Tipton Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 823	Re: It's just a Joke! A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties. The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?' The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.' The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!' 'OK.' said the old Jewish man, 'It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.' Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead. 'Your f*cking brother won't let me in without a tie!!! __________________ Heightmaster

26th September 2009, 08:54 AM	#1016
clementine Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Shropshire, UK Posts: 509	Re: It's just a Joke! Two nuns were cycling down the road to the convent. "I've never come this way before!" Said the first nun. "Neither have I!" Said the second nun, "It must be the cobbles!" __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

5th October 2009, 12:02 PM	#1017
clementine Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Shropshire, UK Posts: 509	Re: It's just a Joke! After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It 's these breasts You have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain." And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced". "That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was My first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden . " Well, Eve, how is My favourite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone." God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now, Let's see....where did I put that useless Tit?" Now , doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib? __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

5th October 2009, 12:35 PM	#1018
treelinx Sappling Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 26	Re: It's just a Joke! Thought you mob would like this- A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'. 'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?' The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.' The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. 'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news? 'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

5th October 2009, 04:32 PM	#1019
funarty Mature tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: townsville Q.L.D. Australia Posts: 315	Re: It's just a Joke! EWWW! A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, He saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?' St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.' 'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?' 'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands Have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.' 'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?' St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told Only two lies in his entire life.' 'Where's Anna Bligh's clock?' asked the man. St Peter replied, 'Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.' __________________ COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

6th October 2009, 05:01 AM	#1020
Therrin Former Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Bakersfield, Ca Posts: 2,512	Re: It's just a Joke! Attached Thumbnails

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