It's just a Joke!

funarty

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. Shewrites:


Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
;
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection..

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Therrin

Ahhh, looks like Nick the Dragon Slayer got more than he bargained for =P

Garry Brockley

Nice one funarty

__________________

clementine

Liked that one Funarty! Really bluddy marvelous!
101 uses for a man! No, Really!
Scientists can now grow synthetic sperm, so do we need men any more? Well, there are a few things we are still good for.


1 Whistling at you in the street on your 41st birthday (this should be a state-funded initiative).
2 Model railways, the running and maintenance of.
3 Pigeon fancying.
4 Particle physics.
5 Eating up the elderly tub of coleslaw in the back of the fridge after an evening at the pub.
6 Opening all those terrifying brown envelopes that the bank will insist on sending you.
7 Catching spiders.
8 Bringing you tea in bed in the mornings.
9 Forgetting your anniversary, but then wildly overcompensating with a completely over-the-top gesture, preferably involving diamonds.
10 Making your limited capacity for grooving look positively Madonna-esque by dancing around you wildly, arms and legs jerking like a demented puppet.
11 Lending you (often without knowing it) a razor.
12 Parking.


13 Ensuring that the children learn to play happily on their own by applying special male method of childcare, namely sitting on the sofa reading the paper while they set fire to the house.
14 Keeping Coleen Rooney in handbags by continuous funding of endless, dreary football games.
15 Explaining the rules of cricket, slowly and in words of one syllable, every two years.
16 Baring his bottom on stag nights.
17 Helping to keep you fit and supple by generously leaving towels, socks and other items of personal attire dotted around the floor for you to pick up.
18 Supporting the luxury car market with the purchase, on his 50th birthday, of a meno-Porsche.
19 Patronising you at parties.
20 Being the Pope.
21 Cartography, and all its many delights.
22 Trying very hard to distract you in the delivery room by telling you about the time he got really badly constipated and had to go to hospital and, you know, the consultant said that sometimes the pain can be almost as bad as the agony of labour . . .
23 Using the last drop of milk before, very helpfully, putting the empty carton back in the fridge.
24 Looking nice in a dinner suit. Every man has an inner James Bond.


25 Stocking the iPod with obscure (albeit largely unlistenable) punk music from the 1970s, even though he went to a nice grammar school and has never even owned a pair of DMs, let alone used them to stamp on a hippy’s head.
26 Driving up very close behind you on the motorway and flashing his lights repeatedly. So sweet to notice your new highlights . . .
27 Being a rock star. Florence and the Machine is all very well, but no match for, say, the raw guitar strut of Caleb out of Kings of Leon (silly name, silly beard, very sexy boy whichever way you cut it).
28 Loading all the glasses the wrong way up in the dishwasher.
29 Overfeeding the dog.
30 Saying, “Oh, so that explains it” in a cryptic voice the day you get your period.
31 Making the inventor of the electric nose-hair clipper very, very rich.
32 Doing lots of very important pointing and shouting.
33 Hunting — and gathering — on the wild Burgundian plains.
34 Catching man-flu.
35 Feeding your children raw barbecue sausages (“It’ll build up their immune systems!”).
36 Removing dead mice from the house.

37 Losing the keys for the roofbox.
38 Blaming you for losing the keys to the roofbox — then finding them in his coat pocket.
39 Making sure that every last pot and pan in the kitchen gets used to its full potential when cooking special Daddy spagbol for Sunday lunch.
40 Building large, pointy metal tubes, filling them with explosives and firing them into the air.
41 Encouraging Britain’s thriving shed manufacturing industry.
42 Insisting that only he can be trusted to drive on the right-hand side of the road in a foreign country and then going the wrong way round the roundabout at the exit from the airport, careering into an oncoming Fiat Panda, arguing furiously with the police and ensuring that the first night of your Italian holiday is spent in a Sicilian jail.
43 Not calling when he says he will.
44 Doing those really strange man-bonding handshakes.
45 Alphabetising your record collection.
46 Being able to wear the same pair of shoes for 25 years before buying a new pair.
47 Accidentally stroking your bottom while directing you to your chair.
48 Codpieces, the wearing of.

49 Eating full-size Mars bars.
50 Inventing Prog Rock.
51 Drinking warm fermented hops.
52 Listening to Wagner.
53 Being a murderous despot (go on, name a female murderous despot).
54 Letting the lawn grow free and wild. It’s not a lawn, it’s an eco-meadow!
55 Warming the bed.
56 Making those trips to Ikea such a stress-free delight.
57 Reading, and actually understanding, instruction manuals for small electrical devices.
58 If not exactly fixing the car, then at least looking purposeful until the AA turns up.
59 Ordering a lovely big bowl of chips in a restaurant which you then eat most of — without, of course, having actually ordered any yourself.
60 Mixing the perfect gin and tonic.

61 Remembering the rules to Canasta.
62 Standing behind you for emotional support as you creep downstairs to investigate those strange noises . . .
63 Remembering the relevance of minor characters in The Sopranos
64 Constructing your son’s 10,000-piece Lego Death Star.
65 Doing price comparisons for car insurance.
66 Setting the sat-nav.
67 Finishing off that glass of wine you poured an hour ago but never got round to drinking.
68 Having more hair on his legs than you.
69 Working out how to fold up the wretched double buggy.
70 Doing up the zip on your dress.
71 Keeping the local Indian takeaway in business.
72 Eating the children’s leftovers (it makes the eco-wash on the dishwasher much more effective).

73 Sky Plus-ing The Wire.
74 Making sure there’s always enough party ice in the freezer.
75 Sweetly buying you size 12 underwear when in actual fact you’re at least a size 16.
76 Helping the children with their trigonometry homework.
77 Always having at least three glasses of water in the vicinity of the bedside table – even if two of those glasses are at least a week old.
78 Going to the dump.
79 Eating cornichons.
80 Delivering a rip-roaring best man speech.
81 Leaving all the drawers and cupboard doors in the house very slightly open.
82 Being Father Christmas, and beards in general.
83 Opening jars (as loosened by you).
84 Regularly contracting obscure and incurable tropical diseases (as diagnosed on Google), only to recover miraculously just in time for the cricket.

85 Snoring.
86 Carving.
87 Watering the toilet seat. What is it, a plant?
88 Doing the Atkins diet. Fried eggs, sausages, lard: what’s not to like?
89 Wearing comedy swimming trucks.
90 Loving his mummy.
91 Making fire.
92 Putting things very helpfully in the general vicinity of the washing machine – but never switching it on (or hanging the stuff out afterwards).
93 Managing to ruin a perfectly plumped-up sofa within precisely three seconds.
94 Keeping all those lovely old gentlemen-only clubs from going under.
95 Going up into the loft.
96 Making sure there are at least four radios in the house that are tuned to John Humphrys at any given time.
97 Presenting Top Gear.
98 Doing air guitar.
99 Suddenly remembering a very pressing telephone call whenever there’s even the whiff of a dirty nappy.
100 Diving, in exotic destinations.
101 Never (or only very occasionally) wanting to borrow your favourite dress.

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Steve Tipton

This gave me the best laugh I've had in yonks! The following are all replies that Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way....Who's your Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to checkout #10. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up. 1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.5.. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so wo uld blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country .. Please advise.7.Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time....well, I don't have clue.8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Jamie Oliver did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56 Miller St , mine might have remained unfertilized.10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

The advantages of being a male

e.g. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.


Two male friends who were in business together one time employed a sales
manager.
They found out that he was a sleaze bag. Most of their artists and most
of their support staff were women.
The Sales Manager just looked at their breasts when they were talking to
him.

One day one young woman had had enough, so she lifted up her T-shirt and
looking downwards, admonished her nipples: -
"You naughty things, look at the gentleman while he's talking to you."

The studio erupted in laughter.

My friends parted company with the Sales Manager soon after.

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found? Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them? A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband? A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles? A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face? A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking? A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses? A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores? A: 'Gosh, I remember these.
SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, right?

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year
>
> old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission
>
> Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of
>
> buttons and solved the problem.
>
>
> As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He
>
> replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
>
>
> I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T
>
> error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
>
>
> Eric
>
> grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
>
>
> 'No,'
>
> I replied. 'Write it down,'
>
> he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
>
>
> So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
>
>
>

__________________
Heightmaster

funarty

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

clementine

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

Young Son: "Dad is it true, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't KNOW his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing, "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Steve Tipton

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?

"Are you nuts?" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks.

"Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?" So
the guy runs again around the next block and faces her again: "Would you let me
bite your breasts just once for $10,000?"

She thinks about it for a while and "Hmmm $10,000
eh?". Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there"

So they went to that alley and she takes off the
blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them he jumps on them and starts
caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them ..but not biting.

In the end the woman gets all annoyed and asks: "Are
you gonna bite them or what?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much.






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

__________________
Heightmaster

funarty

TYPICAL!

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

clementine

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.





Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pot bellied pig. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.





Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see the Grand Canyon and I was 'fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good also Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'



Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been caught out by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Steve Tipton

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my schooner and noticed that everybody was staring at me.……………………………………Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------


Subject: Scottish Farmer A farmer, named Donald, was involved in a motoring accident. In court, the other party's insurance hot-shot solicitor was questioning Donald. 'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor. Donald responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...' 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident.'I'm fine!'?' Donald said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....' The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact, that at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client for injuries sustained. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Donald's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Donald thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and couldn't move.However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his revolver and shot her between the eyes. Then the policeman came across the road, gun still smoking in hand,he looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?' 'Now what the F*ck would you say?'

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Gypsy bloke 2 metres tall and 150 kilos. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.After three or four beers the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Gypsy. Leaning over towards the Gypsy he whispers, 'Do you want a blow-job?'At this the massive Gypsy leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park, and returned to his seat at the bar.Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. 'I've never seen you react like that', he says,' Just what did he say to you?''I'm not sure', the big Gypsy replies, 'something about a job....

__________________
Heightmaster

funarty

Good one Quintex or should I say 3!

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Steve Tipton

**A surgeon went to check on his blond patient after an
operation.***
**She was awake, so he examined her.***
**"You'll be fine," he said.***
**She asked,***
**"How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex
life again doctor?"**
**The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.**
**"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"**
**He replied, ***
**"Yes, you'll be fine. **
**It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having
their tonsils out."**

__________________
Heightmaster

funarty

Women will never be equal to men
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head
And a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Steve Tipton

Subject: compassion





FEMALE COMPASSIONA man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no Legs.Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f**ked?'The fellow said, 'No.'She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'






Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and
>
> found it in a large patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
>
>
>
>
>
> Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about
>
> every buttercup in the patch.
>
>
>
>
>
> All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman
>
> appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me
> to
>
> make those buttercups?
>
>
>
>
>
> Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your
>
> popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any
> butter
> for
>
> your toast for the rest of your life.
>
>
>
>
>
> As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest
> of
>
> your life!'
>
>
>
>
>
> Then POOF! She was gone!
>
>
>
>
>
> After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred,
>
> where are you?'
>
>
>
>
>
> Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'
>
>
>
>
>
> Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!'
>

__________________
Heightmaster

funarty

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Steve Tipton

Roger marries at 85 to Jenny aged 25 At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger." Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: "You mean I was here already?" The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has Its advantages. ----------------------------------------------------------------------

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

VOTING ONLY ENCOURAGES THEM!

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' the U.S.
is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask
for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by
being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer
(Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to
explain the length of the flight and the passport information,
and then he interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look
stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape
Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa " his response
-- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious
about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the
vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view
room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is
in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is
a very thin state!" (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked,
"Is it possible to see Englandfrom Canada?"
I said, "No."
She said, "But they look so close on the map." (OMG, again!)

5.An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and
asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the
reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas.
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard
Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between
gates to save time." (Aghhhh)

6.An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week.
She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from
Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but
she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I
told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, "Do
airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know
whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" He
replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a
tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think
that's very rude!"
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it.
(I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code
for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the
airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire
about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost
info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and
then take the train to Hawaii?"

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby
Bright (D) from Ala who asked, "How do I know which plane to get
on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I
was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have
numbers on them."

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, "I need to fly
to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those
little computer planes?"
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.
She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"

11. Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about
the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a
lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she
needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times
and never had to have one of those."
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When
I told her this she said, "Look, I've been to China four times
and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make
reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York."
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's
the name of the town?"
After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, sir, I've
looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a
rhino anywhere." The man retorted, "Oh, don't be silly!
Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered,
"You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!
Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO
BREED.

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Heightmaster

Ace Master

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Website: The Mt Dandenong Ranges Tree Specialists

YouTube: Ace Tree Master

treerat

GUTS OR BALLS????

Just wanted to clear up these definitions for you:

Guts or Balls.
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS
Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere"?

BALLS
Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next, Chubby.

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.

funarty

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COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Eucman1

I had a mate who was suicidal.
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet.
She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop w@nking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

I just saw that Harry Potter film.
A bit unrealistic if you ask me.
I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.
I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."

Disabled toilets.
Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

funarty

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COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Steve Tipton

AMA on economic stimulus. Apparently the Australian Medical Association has weighed in on the new economic stimulus package....The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Canberra.

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Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

Subject: A little British humour





The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat,but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,'Americans are so rude! My little Fifi is using that seat.
Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.' She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, ’Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.'

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Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

MEN SHOPPING After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target. Dear Mrs.Hudson Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. J.Hudson are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras. 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away?. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layby. 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Police were called. 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme. 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels. 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' And last, but not least: 15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here. One of the assistants passed out.

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Heightmaster