It's just a Joke!

treerat

Finally, the 6 answers we've been waiting for:
Q:WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A:It's Braille for "suck here".

Q:WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A:It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."

Q:WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A:Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A:Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car.

Q:WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A:Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

AND

Q:WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSEMENT???
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose

funarty

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COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Done it

ASSERTIVE WOMENS CONFERENCE!!!!

The first speaker, a lady from England , stood and said 'During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.
Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington , that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb.'

(The crowd cheered).

The second lady from Russia , stood up and said, 'After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well.
(The crowd again cheered).


The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady from Australia , stood up and said, 'Afta lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washin his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself.

(The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).
She continued. 'Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffin. Afta da second day I nevah see nuffin, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit outa my leff eye.'

treerat

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey koala! What are you doing??'

The koala said, 'Smokin a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was' dry' and that he was goin to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,"What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree smoking a joint, but go too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink...

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey you!" The koala looked down at him and said, 'SHiiiiiiiiiiT dude!!!!!! How much water did you drink!?

Steve Tipton

THE HORTH WHITHPERER






A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend
over
to look at a horse.





His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'



'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'



So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or
female horse.



'A female horth.'



So he shows him a prized filly.



'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'



So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.



'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'



So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.



'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'



The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up
again and shows him the horse's mouth.



'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'



Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the
dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the
ground.



The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.



'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Heightmaster

Eric Frei

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funarty

EWWWWWW Disgusting!
Little Bruce

Mohammed entered his classroom.
"What is your name?"asked the teacher.
"Mohammed"....answered the kid.
"We are inAustraliaand, there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce,"replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother.
"My name is notMohammed, I am in Australia and now my name is Bruce."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you,"and she beat him..
Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely.
The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher
saw him with all the bruises she asked:
"What happened to you little Bruce?"
"Well, Miss, 2 hours after becoming Australian I was attacked by two ????in’Arabs!..."

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southsoundtree

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Hummer?


A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Therrin

Lol, the one with the koala, lizard and crocodile was hillarious.

funarty

When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy.....it's pretty damn smart.

Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!


I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't fe el like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where sh e picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love m e for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.........but at least that b*tch knows I'm smarter than her.

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COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Ace Master

lol
'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

__________________
Website: The Mt Dandenong Ranges Tree Specialists

YouTube: Ace Tree Master

Therrin

Oh My God....THATS HILLARIOUS!!!!!!

Score 1 for the guys!

Jeff Darby

How bloody funny..

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Member: Australian Tree Association

Join the Australian Tree Association...Have your voice heard !

Arboriculture, A life long study for some, a passing phase for others

© Jeffrey J Darby 2011

funarty

I knew you guys would like that one! A bit far fetched tho ,wish my guy would buy me anything!!!

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funarty

Here's another for you guys......
How Adam Got Eve

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Therrin

I wonder what 2 or 4 ribs would have gotten us... and maybe a spleen and gallbladder. Ooh and tonsils.

funarty

A good slap on the face!

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Ace Master

Son asked his mother the following question: "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure." The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

__________________
Website: The Mt Dandenong Ranges Tree Specialists

YouTube: Ace Tree Master

newguy18

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old schooler

funarty

Ur poor wife!

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Therrin

If I have to open this page one more time and see that sagging pair of dried up titties I'm gonna shoot myself.

Therrin

Ohhh!!! Thank god! Omg im saved woohoo!!!!

Jeff Darby

mwohaha....

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Member: Australian Tree Association

Join the Australian Tree Association...Have your voice heard !

Arboriculture, A life long study for some, a passing phase for others

© Jeffrey J Darby 2011

newguy18

LOL.

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old schooler

funarty

A woman from Los Angeles , who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter,
purchased a piece of timberland, near Grants Pass, OR . There was a large
tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the
natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her
haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many
splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came
to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great
patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if
he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman
demanded, 'What took you so long?'

He smiled and then told her, 'Well, I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land
Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.
I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'

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COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Steve Tipton

HE MADE THIS SPEECH IN NEW YORK







Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says 'I love New York ' in Arabic.


YA, HAVE TO LOVE HIM....A MUST READ...PLEASE DO YOURSELF A FAVOUR...READ THIS!
HE MADE THIS SPEECH IN NEW YORK .

You gotta love Robin Williams....Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.

Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)

'I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan.'

1) 'The US will apologize to the world for our 'interference' in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those 'good 'ole' boys', we will never 'interfere' again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany , South Korea , the Middle East , and the Philippines . They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign 'students' over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a 'D' and it's back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not 'interfere.' They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us 'Ugly Americans' any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH..learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?

'The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' '

If you agree with the above forward it to friends...If not, and I would be amazed, DELETE it!!

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Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder

On Michael Jackson’s Death…





















........ .. … … .. …..
.. . . … . . . . . .. . .. ….. .. . . … ..
... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ...... .. ... ... ... ..... .. .
.. . . … . . . . ..
... . .... ... .... .... ..
....... .... ... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . .. . ..
........ ... .. ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... .... ...
.. .. . .
.. ...
.. . . . . . .. .. … ...
.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....

Deep stuff eh?
I nearly cried when he said “. .. . . . . .. … .. .. . . .... ....”

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Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

Do Blonde jokes ever stop?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> GOLF BALLS
>
>
>
> A man got on the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and
> sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at
> him and his bulging pockets.
>
> Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."
>
> Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,
> thinking deeply about what he had said.
>
> After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,
> she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
>
>
>

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Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

The Itch

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large magnificent breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, The King's chief doctor.

Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder,which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved while Nick left satisfied and became hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber Nick found Horatio demanding the payment of 1000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied Nick couldn't have cared less and knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh, told him to get lost.

The next day Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.

The moral of the story............Pay your bills.

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Heightmaster

treevet

Needs to be edited for Aussie readers....read...."you 2 timin' bastid, where is she maite?"