It's just a Joke!

Eric Frei

Difference between Potentially & Realistically

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, ' Dad , what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a milli on dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.

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treevet

newguy18

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old schooler

clementine

Speaking of Bondo jobs, Crack Spackle !

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

funarty

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COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

clementine

A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a woman who is sitting by herself :
He says, "May I buy you a cocktail?"
She says, "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
He says, "Sorry to hear that. Does it make them swell?"
She says, "No, it makes them spread!"

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

funarty

Choosing a wife

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COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Therrin

I dunno about that though. The bigger they are, the more they sag when she gets older. Plus, those things can KILL YOU..... woman on top, those slapping you in the face... Damn near enough to give you whiplash.

He shoulda picked the 3rd one, then she could have afforded to have plastic surgery AND he'd have enough to buy a lifetime supply of beer.

clementine

Too right, nothing like a nice top bottom!

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

funarty

LORD,... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER ...

Judy got married and had 13 children .
Her first husband, Ted , died of cancer.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children .
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy again, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children .
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret :

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:....
"I think he means her legs, Ethel ...."

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COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

clementine

Anyone for Wii games?

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=fd5_1238626914

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

newguy18

bwahahahaha

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old schooler

phill ellison

funarty

GOT STOPPED FOR SPEEDING YESTERDAY.

I THOUGHT I COULD TALK
MY WAY OUT OF IT UNTIL THE OFFICER LOOKED AT
MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT

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COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

clementine

What do women want?

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

funarty

Hate to burst your bubble but most women don't want a big one !

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COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

funarty

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my
porridge?' he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....



'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET

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COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

phill ellison

Steve Tipton

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this?


It gets worse........

Next year......

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

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Heightmaster

Garry Brockley

M D Vaden had better watch out then huh!!!!!!!

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clementine

Poor old Stan!

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Eric Frei

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clementine

Mick and Paddy get off a ship and head for the nearest bar.

Each one orders two whiskeys and immediately downs them. They then order two more whiskeys and once again quickly throw them back. They then order another two whiskeys each.

Paddy picks up one of his drinks, turns to Mick and says, "Cheers!"

Mick turns to Paddy and says, "Hey, did you come here to bullshit, or did you come here to drink?"

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

clementine

One day, a bar owner decided he'd had enough of the slow business and needed a gimmick to pull in the punters.
He decided to get a stallion and put it in the bar. He placed a sign over the stallion which read:
"Pay $100 and if you can make the stallion laugh you will win $10,000".
Well, the gimmick worked, hundreds of people came from miles around and tried to make the stallion laugh.
Finally, a man walked into the bar, saw the sign and asked, "Is that sign for real?"

"Sure", The bar owner told him it was.

So, the man paid the $100, walked up to the stallion and whispered something into his ear.

Well, the stallion burst into laughter and fell to its knees, still laughing.

The owner paid the man the $10,000.

So, the next day, the owner changed the sign to:

Pay $100, make the stallion cry and win $10,000.

For years the gimmick worked. Punters poured in from miles around. Nobody made the stallion cry.

Then, One day, the same man that had previously made the stallion laugh, walked into the bar and saw the sign. He paid the bar owner $100 and asked him for a curtain.
The man closed the curtain and then opened it a couple of moments later. The stallion was now on its knees crying.

The man walked up to the bar owner and asked for his money.
"Not so fast", the bar owner said, "First you have to tell me what you did to the stallion both times!"

"Sure", said the man, "First time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I proved it"

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

treevet

good one

I recently bought an outback hat and told my gm it was an outback hat like Brian Fellows wears. He didn't know who that was so I sent him this....Saturday Night Live - Brian Fellow's Safari Planet - 1243 - Video - NBC.com an ad may come on first

clementine

It Won't let me watch that here
Is it like the G'Day mate! Little fellas hat?

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

stargazer

This may not be funny to some in warmer climes, but it describes the winter here perfectly!

Snow shovelers JOKE

Diary of a Snow Shoveler

Author unknown

December 8: 6:00 PM.

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9:

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12:

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14:

Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15:

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16:

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17:

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20:

Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22:

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white **** fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the ******* is lying.
December 23:

Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0o. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24:

6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas Carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.
December 25:

Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
December 26:

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27:

Temperature dropped to -30o and the pipes froze.
December 28:

Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!
December 29:

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30:

Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31:

Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8:

I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

treevet

Yeah Clem, but you gotta have one side up and attached to the hat. What's the theory behind that?

treevet

that is just nasty

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Therrin

You said it dave.... nasty.