It's just a Joke!

funarty · 20th February 2009, 03:04 PM

Good one

And I don't cook meat! He does!!

Done it · 20th February 2009, 07:50 PM

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I cant wear your trousers," she said.

"Thats right, said the husband, "and dont you ever forget it. Im the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. I cant get into your panties!"

She replied, "Thats right, and thats the way its going to stay until your attitude changes."

What a wife says...

This place is a mess! Cmon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
Youll have no clothes to wear if we
dont do laundry right now!

What a husband hears...

blah blah blah blah blah CMON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

treevet · 21st February 2009, 12:18 AM

double

clementine · 22nd February 2009, 10:22 AM

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me!'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?'

'Well, no,' she said, 'I'm naturally a blonde!'

'I thought so!' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken!'

I LIKE THE OLD ONES!

funarty · 22nd February 2009, 11:10 AM

spartek · 22nd February 2009, 04:01 PM

A young couple of honeymooners are in their honeymoon suite getting ready to do the deed, when the new wife says ," let me go into the bathroom and slip into something special", I'll be right back. She comes back out wearing only a smile.To her surprise ,she finds her new groom laying there with his pants and socks still on. She orders hims to drop his pants. He drops them and she gasps!!! "whats wrong with your knees?" , he says, "well ,when I was younger I had the kneesels. She said, " you mean the measels? " He replies , "no , the kneesels". She says , "ok, well go ahead and take of your socks." He does so and she says, "oh my god, what happened to your toes?" "Well" he replies, "when I was a kid , I had tolio." She say's , "you mean polio?" "No, tolio ", he tells her. She says , "well then take of your breifs" He drops the briefs , and she say's , "Wait , don't tell me , SMALLCOX ??? "

funarty · 23rd February 2009, 02:37 PM

Dear friends

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me. Today, we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

A doctor on breakfast television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in nedov inr pec

treevet · 23rd February 2009, 04:16 PM

Don't think that is what they had in mind Funny...

southsoundtree · 25th February 2009, 06:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spartek

A young couple of honeymooners are in their honeymoon suite getting ready to do the deed, when the new wife says ," let me go into the bathroom and slip into something special", I'll be right back. She comes back out wearing only a smile.To her surprise ,she finds her new groom laying there with his pants and socks still on. She orders hims to drop his pants. He drops them and she gasps!!! "whats wrong with your knees?" , he says, "well ,when I was younger I had the kneesels. She said, " you mean the measels? " He replies , "no , the kneesels". She says , "ok, well go ahead and take of your socks." He does so and she says, "oh my god, what happened to your toes?" "Well" he replies, "when I was a kid , I had tolio." She say's , "you mean polio?" "No, tolio ", he tells her. She says , "well then take of your breifs" He drops the briefs , and she say's , "Wait , don't tell me , SMALLCOX ??? "

Dicktheria

StrictlyPalms · 25th February 2009, 11:21 AM

How to give a Cat a pill..... Followed by how to give a Dog a pill.

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding Pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler to mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow pill down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

StrictlyPalms · 11th March 2009, 02:06 AM

I THINK THIS IS A JOB I WOULD LOVE

Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive; mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids. She was yelling obscenities at them as they walked through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Heck no they ain't! The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why in the world would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

newguy18 · 11th March 2009, 02:11 AM

funarty · 11th March 2009, 01:56 PM

funarty · 13th March 2009, 09:03 AM

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English
language.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit,
find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the
difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There
is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the
shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than
a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter
than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit,
and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit,
the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself
up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times
you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a
rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic
building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to
know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do
so if you don't give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know
that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without
a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of
shit from some shit-head...........

Well, Shit Happens - just the depth varies!!!

clementine · 14th March 2009, 01:17 PM

Love it Funarty!

The Grass is Always Greener on the other Side

Sometimes you can reach too far!

And when you find yourself over-extended and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of,
there is one thing you should always remember.......

Not everyone who shows up......

Is there to help you!!!!

Steve Tipton · 17th March 2009, 08:03 PM

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine: "House" is
feminine-"la maison." Pencil" is masculine-"le crayon."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups-
male and female - and asked them to decide for themselves whether
"computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the
feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later review; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your salary on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine
("le computer") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE
the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The men won!

Steve Tipton · 17th March 2009, 08:05 PM

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.

It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

***They walk amongst us!***

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted.....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

***They walk among us!!***

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff'

***They Walk Among Us!!***

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

***They Walk Among Us!!!!***

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the trunk.

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!***

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! ***

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!***

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce !!!!

funarty · 19th March 2009, 08:07 AM

HE HE

clementine · 28th March 2009, 03:44 PM

Talking of: Looks like a light bud to me!

treevet · 28th March 2009, 03:47 PM

yowser!

funarty · 28th March 2009, 11:33 PM

Trust u! If she was doing that here she'd be croc bait!

clementine · 29th March 2009, 12:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by funarty

Trust u! If she was doing that here she'd be croc bait!

I bet they'd eat her slowly

Therrin · 29th March 2009, 08:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by clementine

Love it Funarty!

The Grass is Always Greener on the other Side

Sometimes you can reach too far!

And when you find yourself over-extended and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of,
there is one thing you should always remember.......

Not everyone who shows up......

Is there to help you!!!!

That reminds me of THIS picture..... =) Enjoy Clemmy!

Therrin · 29th March 2009, 02:58 PM

Seriously officer, we're just fishing!!!
(that's the only joke of this whole post..the rest is true)

2,000 HP Outboard on an Inflatable....

Here's the latest drug runner toy from Europe...

This thing belts across the English channel 3 times per week
and was just a blur on the radar of the British Coast Guard.
They were so astonished by the speed of the unknown craft,
they brought in a special high speed helicopter to chase it.
Drugs were found on board. Of course, you'd have to be on
drugs to put the throttle down on this rig.

funarty · 29th March 2009, 10:11 PM

Yer I reckon!!! Woohoo

funarty · 29th March 2009, 10:15 PM

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session,
"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him and replied, "You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small,
$6,500 for "medium, and $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him
to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
"She'd rather remodel the kitchen."WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their

40th wedding anniversary. The husband yelled, "When you die, I'm getting

you a headstone that reads:

'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' "
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,
"This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.
ELDERLY SEX
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found
her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony
of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder,
the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, "Yes, your honor I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...
he could also fly."

newguy18 · 30th March 2009, 01:55 AM

YouTube - Eels song - The Mighty Boosh - BBC comedy

clementine · 3rd April 2009, 12:41 PM

That boat is awesome Therrin!
Love it Funarty!

funarty · 3rd April 2009, 04:17 PM

clementine · 8th April 2009, 12:01 PM

A woman says to her husband;
'Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'??

He says; 'No! Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. 'Maybe a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'

He says "No! It's the Viagra, it really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
'would you like a juicy rib-eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'??

He declines again.
'No! he says, 'It's got to be the Viagra... I'm still not hungry.'

'Well!' said the wife,

'Would you mind letting me up now 'cos I'm absolutely starving'.

20th February 2009, 03:04 PM	#871
funarty Mature tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: townsville Q.L.D. Australia Posts: 315	Re: It's just a Joke! Good one And I don't cook meat! He does!! __________________ COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

20th February 2009, 07:50 PM	#872
Done it Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Australia. Posts: 784	Re: It's just a Joke! A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I cant wear your trousers," she said. "Thats right, said the husband, "and dont you ever forget it. Im the man who wears the pants in this family." With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. I cant get into your panties!" She replied, "Thats right, and thats the way its going to stay until your attitude changes." What a wife says... This place is a mess! Cmon! You and I need to clean up! Your stuff is lying on the floor and Youll have no clothes to wear if we dont do laundry right now! What a husband hears... blah blah blah blah blah CMON! YOU AND I blah blah blah blah! blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah blah blah blah RIGHT NOW! Last edited by Done it; 20th February 2009 at 08:00 PM. Reason: extra

21st February 2009, 12:18 AM	#873
treevet Backflipper Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Cincinnati, Ohio, USA Posts: 2,131	Re: It's just a Joke! double

22nd February 2009, 10:22 AM	#874
clementine Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Shropshire, UK Posts: 509	Re: It's just a Joke! A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me!' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?' 'Well, no,' she said, 'I'm naturally a blonde!' 'I thought so!' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken!' I LIKE THE OLD ONES! __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

22nd February 2009, 11:10 AM	#875
funarty Mature tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: townsville Q.L.D. Australia Posts: 315	Re: It's just a Joke! __________________ COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

22nd February 2009, 04:01 PM	#876
spartek Semi-mature vigorous tree Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: ohio, USA Posts: 151	Re: It's just a Joke! A young couple of honeymooners are in their honeymoon suite getting ready to do the deed, when the new wife says ," let me go into the bathroom and slip into something special", I'll be right back. She comes back out wearing only a smile.To her surprise ,she finds her new groom laying there with his pants and socks still on. She orders hims to drop his pants. He drops them and she gasps!!! "whats wrong with your knees?" , he says, "well ,when I was younger I had the kneesels. She said, " you mean the measels? " He replies , "no , the kneesels". She says , "ok, well go ahead and take of your socks." He does so and she says, "oh my god, what happened to your toes?" "Well" he replies, "when I was a kid , I had tolio." She say's , "you mean polio?" "No, tolio ", he tells her. She says , "well then take of your breifs" He drops the briefs , and she say's , "Wait , don't tell me , SMALLCOX ??? "

23rd February 2009, 02:37 PM	#877
funarty Mature tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: townsville Q.L.D. Australia Posts: 315	Re: It's just a Joke! Dear friends I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me. Today, we all could probably use more calm in our lives. A doctor on breakfast television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in nedov inr pec __________________ COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

23rd February 2009, 04:16 PM	#878
treevet Backflipper Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Cincinnati, Ohio, USA Posts: 2,131	Re: It's just a Joke! Don't think that is what they had in mind Funny...

25th February 2009, 11:21 AM	#880
StrictlyPalms Semi-mature vigorous tree Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Orlando, Florida USA Posts: 177	Re: It's just a Joke! How to give a Cat a pill..... Followed by how to give a Dog a pill. 1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding Pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler to mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow pill down drinking straw. 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. How To Give A Dog A Pill 1. Wrap it in bacon. 2. Toss it in the air. __________________ Strictly Palms, Inc. Orlando, Florida USA

11th March 2009, 02:06 AM	#881
StrictlyPalms Semi-mature vigorous tree Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Orlando, Florida USA Posts: 177	Re: It's just a Joke! I THINK THIS IS A JOB I WOULD LOVE Wal-Mart Greeter A very loud, unattractive; mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids. She was yelling obscenities at them as they walked through the entrance. The Wal-Mart greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Heck no they ain't! The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why in the world would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart." __________________ Strictly Palms, Inc. Orlando, Florida USA

11th March 2009, 02:11 AM	#882
newguy18 Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: orlando,fl Posts: 4,977	Re: It's just a Joke! __________________ Have your say join us today. old schooler

11th March 2009, 01:56 PM	#883
funarty Mature tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: townsville Q.L.D. Australia Posts: 315	Re: It's just a Joke! __________________ COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

13th March 2009, 09:03 AM	#884
funarty Mature tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: townsville Q.L.D. Australia Posts: 315	Re: It's just a Joke! THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit. Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose. When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!! You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit! Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head........... Well, Shit Happens - just the depth varies!!! __________________ COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

14th March 2009, 01:17 PM	#885
clementine Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Shropshire, UK Posts: 509	Re: It's just a Joke! Love it Funarty! The Grass is Always Greener on the other Side Sometimes you can reach too far! And when you find yourself over-extended and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should always remember....... Not everyone who shows up...... Is there to help you!!!! __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

17th March 2009, 08:03 PM	#886
Steve Tipton Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 823	Re: It's just a Joke! A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine: "House" is feminine-"la maison." Pencil" is masculine-"le crayon." A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups- male and female - and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer") because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The men won! __________________ Heightmaster

17th March 2009, 08:05 PM	#887
Steve Tipton Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 823	Re: It's just a Joke! Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.' The next day someone stole it! *They walk amongst us!* ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted.....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?' They walk among us!!* ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff' *They Walk Among Us!!* --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'. *They Walk Among Us!!!!* -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the trunk. *They Walk Among Us!!!!!* ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned... *They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! * ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'... (I work with professionals like this.) *They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces. ***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!! Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce !!!! __________________ Heightmaster

19th March 2009, 08:07 AM	#888
funarty Mature tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: townsville Q.L.D. Australia Posts: 315	Re: It's just a Joke! HE HE __________________ COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

28th March 2009, 03:44 PM	#889
clementine Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Shropshire, UK Posts: 509	Re: It's just a Joke! Talking of: Looks like a light bud to me! __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

28th March 2009, 03:47 PM	#890
treevet Backflipper Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Cincinnati, Ohio, USA Posts: 2,131	Re: It's just a Joke! yowser!

28th March 2009, 11:33 PM	#891
funarty Mature tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: townsville Q.L.D. Australia Posts: 315	Re: It's just a Joke! Trust u! If she was doing that here she'd be croc bait! __________________ COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

29th March 2009, 02:58 PM	#894
Therrin Former Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Bakersfield, Ca Posts: 2,512	Re: It's just a Joke! Seriously officer, we're just fishing!!! (that's the only joke of this whole post..the rest is true) 2,000 HP Outboard on an Inflatable.... Here's the latest drug runner toy from Europe... This thing belts across the English channel 3 times per week and was just a blur on the radar of the British Coast Guard. They were so astonished by the speed of the unknown craft, they brought in a special high speed helicopter to chase it. Drugs were found on board. Of course, you'd have to be on drugs to put the throttle down on this rig. Attached Thumbnails

29th March 2009, 10:11 PM	#895
funarty Mature tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: townsville Q.L.D. Australia Posts: 315	Re: It's just a Joke! Yer I reckon!!! Woohoo __________________ COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

29th March 2009, 10:15 PM	#896
funarty Mature tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: townsville Q.L.D. Australia Posts: 315	Re: It's just a Joke! *SOCIAL SECURITY SEX* Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!" LOUD SEX A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!" *QUIET SEX* Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him and replied, "You're never home!" *CONFOUNDED SEX* A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yelled, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' " WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in. ELDERLY SEX One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your honor I figured that at 92, if he could have sex... he could also fly." __________________ COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

3rd April 2009, 12:41 PM	#898
clementine Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Shropshire, UK Posts: 509	Re: It's just a Joke! That boat is awesome Therrin! Love it Funarty! Attached Thumbnails __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

3rd April 2009, 04:17 PM	#899
funarty Mature tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: townsville Q.L.D. Australia Posts: 315	Re: It's just a Joke! __________________ COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

8th April 2009, 12:01 PM	#900
clementine Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Shropshire, UK Posts: 509	Re: It's just a Joke! A woman says to her husband; 'Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'?? He says; 'No! Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.' At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. 'Maybe a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?' He says "No! It's the Viagra, it really trashes my desire for food.' Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'would you like a juicy rib-eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'?? He declines again. 'No! he says, 'It's got to be the Viagra... I'm still not hungry.' 'Well!' said the wife, 'Would you mind letting me up now 'cos I'm absolutely starving'. __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

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