It's just a Joke!

Steve Tipton

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,

'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

How tough are Australians ?

The scene is set
- a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering,
stars twinkling in the dark sky.


Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire,
one from Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.
Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.


The night of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'.

Hansie from Seth Efrika who typically can't stand to be bettered said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'

Colin the Australian remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

__________________
Heightmaster

Therrin

funarty

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

treevet

Sean Freeman

(Sent to me via email...made me laugh!)

A blonde goes into her local pet store in search of an "exotic pet". As she looks around the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says:

'SEX FROGS'



Only $20 each!

Comes with complete instructions.



The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her.. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed, place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions . please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over!" Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!"

The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says:




'LISTEN TO ME!!

I'm only going to show you how to do this

ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!!'

StrictlyPalms

EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
EXAM TIME:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

__________________
Strictly Palms, Inc.
Orlando, Florida USA

clementine

MENSA WORD LIST

The Washington Post's "Mensa Invitational" once again asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,
or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners. Each is an artificial word with only
one letter altered to form a real word. Some are terrifically innovative:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,
shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and
it's, like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm
in the fruit you're eating.

And the #1 pick:

17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

treevet

excellent stuff there

funarty

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Steve Tipton

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'


The eng! aged wo man giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we n ot only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!'

The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled,

'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

Only in America?





It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?


That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U. S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.


Here are the Stella's for the past year:


7TH PLACE:


Kathleen Robert son of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.


6TH PLACE:


Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps.


Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.

5TH PLACE:

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the home-owner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.


Keep scratching. There are more...

4TH PLACE:


Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.


Grrrrr ... Scratch, scratch.

3RD PLACE:


Third place goes to Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113, 500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?


Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stellas to go...


2ND PLACE:


Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.



1ST PLACE: (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please?)


This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.




Are we, as a society, getting more stupid...????

Aussies should be able to top these in a few years.

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'






( I think I am one too! ) L.F.

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )




Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of cake!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.










Your loving daughter,

Sheila

__________________
Heightmaster

yooper

whats yellow and green and eats nuts?









































































gonorrhea

Steve Tipton

What's green and smells like pork?














Kermit's finger!

__________________
Heightmaster

yooper

Done it

One for fatkoala.


A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the
other of the afterlife.

Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he
made contact, 'Mary. Mary.'

'Is that you, Fred?'

'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'

'What's it like?'

'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the
golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex
twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course,
then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then
have sex until late at night. The next day it starts

again.'

'Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.'

'Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Mildura.'

funarty

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

newguy18

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

funarty

>>A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on
>>the
>>dining room table:
>>
>>"To My Dear Wife -
>>You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you,
>>being 54
>>years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I
>>value you
>>as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope you
>>will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the
>>evening with
>>my 18-year-old Secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
>>upset, I
>>shall be back home before midnight."
>>
>>When the man came home late that night, he found the following
>>letter on the
>>dining room table:
>>"To My Dear Husband -
>>I received your letter and i thank you for your honesty about my
>>being 54
>>years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you
>>that you are
>>also 54 years old. As you know, I am a Maths Teacher at our local
>>College.
>>I would like to inform you that while you read this letter, I will
>>be at the
>>Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the
>>Assistant
>>Tennis Coach. He is young, virile, and like your Secretary, is
>>also 18
>>years old.
>>As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of maths
>>you will
>>understand that we are in the same situation - although with one
>>small
>>difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
>>Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
>>
>>Robyn.

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Treeson

Brilliant!

Steve Tipton

Subject: Fw: Scottish Humour **


jeeez - another bloke joke



>A Scotsman phones a dentist to inquire about the cost for a Tooth
>extraction.
>
>£85 for an extraction, sir' the dentist replied.
>£85! Huv ye no' got anythin' cheaper?'
>'That's the normal charge,' said the dentist.
>'Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?
>'That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off.
>'Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without
>an anesthetic?'
>'I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful.
>But the price could drop to £40'
>'How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the
>extraction, with the other students watchin' and learnin'?'
>'It'll be good for the students', mulled the dentist.
>'I'll charge you £5, but it's going to be very traumatic.'
>'Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal,' said the Scotsman.
>'Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?
>
>
>

__________________
Heightmaster

StrictlyPalms

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale with a happy ending


Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

__________________
Strictly Palms, Inc.
Orlando, Florida USA

funarty

and the girl also lived happily ever after and didn't have to trip over dirty clothes pick up fly covered meaty slush covered plates, fly soup beer glasses and clean urine infested toilets!

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Steve Tipton

A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.


He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably fishing with his mates.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........

__________________
Heightmaster

StrictlyPalms

"Well, there's your problem!!!" You serve meaty slush!

=============================================
Last week was my birthday
And I didn't feel very well
Waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
Hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
And possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, She barely said good morning, Let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you,
But the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast And didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low And
somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
My secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
And by the way Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better That at least
someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
When Jane knocked on my door
And said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
And it is your Birthday,
What do you say we go out to lunch,
Just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the
greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go Where we
normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
With a private table.
We had two martinis each
And I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'

I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'



After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss , if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
For just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
After a couple of minutes,
She came out Carrying a huge
birthday cake ...
Followed By my wife, My kids,
And dozens of my friends
And co-workers, All singing
'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there....

On the couch...

Naked.

__________________
Strictly Palms, Inc.
Orlando, Florida USA

Steve Tipton

OOPS!

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

Two friends sat down for a bit of chit chat

One said to the other
"I was a bit annoyed, my husband gave me some flowers"

- "So, that must have made you happy ? "

"Not really, it means that I have to spend all night with my legs in the air"

- "Why's that? You don't have a vase?"

__________________
Heightmaster

treevet

Good one ...that's just gotta fall into the top 100 of your dick severing, ball castrating jokes...good one....