It's just a Joke!

Done it

Good one Q.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.


The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"



"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.



A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.



The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."



The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.



This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.



The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"



"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."



"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"



"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.



The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"



The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a nice butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

newguy18

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

Done it

A farmer, upset with his low yield of eggs, decided to go to town to buy a fresh rooster who could liven things up a bit with his hens. The man at the supply store told him he wished he could help, but all he had was this incredible randy rooster.

"But that's just what I need!" the farmer said. The store owner said, "Not this rooster, he's trouble. I've never seen anything so horny." But the farmer insisted and eventually took the rooster home on the condition that he wouldn't ever return it.

Once home, the rooster jumped into the hen house and nailed every hen repeatedly until they were all exhausted and nearly dead. Undaunted, the rooster hopped the fence and got in with the ducks, repeating the scene with the hens and wiping out all the ducks. He then leaped another fence and proceeding to nail all the geese.

This continued for three days until all the farm birds that were left alive lay gasping. The farmer found the rooster prostrate in the middle the yard, with buzzards circling overhead.

"Serves you right." said the farmer, at which point the rooster rose, pointed overhead, winked, and said, "Shhhhhhhhh.

treevet

StrictlyPalms

The 5 stages of Denial


This morning I decided to forgo my usual boring latte in favor of Starbucks' new green tea latte. What transpired might require extensive psychological treatment. To whit:

Stage One: Denial
"No! Surely it's not as bad as it seems. I'll just take another sip. It probably something with that hippy-dippy toothpaste I insist on using. That's got to be what's making this beverage taste like someone left a dead carp in the milk steamer."

Stage Two: Anger
"Mother????ers! Who the ???? is stupid enough to think green tea and hot milk would be a good idea? It has a hint of melon ... hint of melon??? I WANT THE HEAD OF THE ????ING BEE-EATING DIMWIT WHO CONNED ME INTO SPENDING FOUR ????ING DOLLARS ON A DRINK THAT TASTES LIKE HOT CARP-STUFFED HONEYDEW, GODDAMMIT!"

Stage Three: Bargaining
"Okay, God. Here's the deal. If you make this big Venti paper cup of hot frothy koi pond water palatable, I'll never use the phrase "????ing bee-eating dimwit" ever again, no matter how badly someone deserves it."

Stage Four: Depression
"It's no use. The taste of seaweed is going to be forever imprinted on my tongue, marring everything I try to ingest for the rest of my life. I'm screwed. Starbucks is no longer a happy place for me. And what am I without my happy place? I'm just a poor slob, drinking hot milked-up algea-water and paying out the nose through it. I suck. I deserve to empty my wallet in the name of really crappy beverages. It's my punishment for being too stupid to see the obvious: this drink is a giant April fool's joke, and I fell for it. Drink up, Moron!"

Stage Five: Acceptance
"Hey, I'm getting used to the fish taste, and I can really feel the antioxidents working!"

__________________
Strictly Palms, Inc.
Orlando, Florida USA

funarty

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now...
No Jesus
No Christmas
No television
No cheerleaders
No cricket
No football
No hockey
No golf
No BBQ parties
No K Mart
No Bunnings
No pork BBQ
No hot dogs
No burgers
No chocolate chip cookies
No lobster
No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks
No gumbo
No fried rice
No Beer
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey.
But your donkey has a better disposition
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
I mean, really, is there a mystery here?

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Steve Tipton

Voted the best Australian Joke of 2008

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says,
'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some bad news, but some good
news, and maybe some more good news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?' The
Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here
found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got
a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit
of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what
the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up, there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've
brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of
nice crays and four or five crabs in it. 'Geez thanks. They're bloody
beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other
possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill
here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and
pull her up again!

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

Update!

4 blue swimmers and 3 lobsters today!

__________________
Heightmaster

StrictlyPalms

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES?



Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
>
> Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
>
> The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
>
> Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
>
> Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
>
> This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
>
> Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Bill Clinton

__________________
Strictly Palms, Inc.
Orlando, Florida USA

funarty

Muscle male strippers would be much better!

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Steve Tipton

Zen Teachings

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

Hey,
Funarty and Clemmy, where are ya?
Playforsdis sorely missed as well!

__________________
Heightmaster

clementine

Cop a loada this little guy!

coats - Putfile.com

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Done it

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again,

Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"



The nun fainted.

Steve Tipton

Memorable Quotes from members of the the US
Military


'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons.'

- General MacArthur

------------ ---------
'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.'
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

------ ------ ---------
'Tracers work both ways.'
- U.S. Army Ordnance

------------ ---------
'Five second fuses only last three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal

----------- - --- ------
'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'

------------ ---------
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
-
Unknown Marine Recruit

------------ ---------
'If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him.'
- USAF Ammo Troop

------------ ---------
'Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For
I am at 80,000 Feet and
Climbing.'

------------ ---------
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

------------ ---------
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'

------------ ---------
'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and
therefore, unsafe.'
------------ ---------
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have
enough power left to get you to the
scene of the crash.'

------------ ---------
'Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying
club.'

----------- ---------
'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
If ATC screws up, ..... The pilot dies.'

------------
'Never trade luck for skill.'

----------- ---------
'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully
complete the
flight.'
------------ ---------

'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up
there!'

----------- ---------
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground
incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'

------------ ---------
'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just
barely kill you.'

- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

------------ ---------
'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

------------ ---------
'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'

----------------------------------------
'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
power to taxi to the
terminal.'
----------------------------------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having
torn off
the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the
rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks,
'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'

- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
------------------------
'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal

------------------------------------
'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed.'
- U.S. Air Force Manual

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

I'M CONVINCED




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



In 1923, Who Was…………..


1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?



These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.


Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.





The Answers:


1. The president of the largest steel company.

Charles Schwab,

died a pauper.



2. The president of the largest gas company,

Edward Hopson,

went insane.



3. The president of the NYSE,

Richard Whitney,

was released from prison

to die at home.



4. The greatest wheat speculator,

Arthur Cooger,

died abroad, penniless.



5. The President

of

the Bank of International Settlement,

shot himself.



6. The Great Bear of Wall Street,

Cosabee Livermore,

also committed suicide







However,

in that same year,

1923,

the PGA Champion

and

the winner of

the

most important golf tournament,

the US Open,

was

Gene Sarazen.

What became of him?



He played golf until he was 92,

died in 1999 at the age of 95.

He was financially secure

at the time of his death.



The Moral:


F**k work.

Play golf.

__________________
Heightmaster

funarty

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Steve Tipton

Football FINALLY makes sense!A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seatsright behind their team's bench.After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I reallyliked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles,but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?""Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of thegame, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarterback!' And I'm like...Hellooooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ Need cash? Click to get a cash advance.

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

Question - When you apply for Welfare in Pakistan...Lebanon...Somalia...Africa... What does that Government give you?







Answer - A map of Australia .

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

Subject: Fw: Centrelink

The Centrelink Office (Dole Office).

A long haired Kiwi walked into the local Centrelink office to pick up his dole cheque. He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing the dole. I'd really rather have a job.'

The Centrelink girl behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent, Sir. We have just received a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2007 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job assignment, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year. '

The Kiwi plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshitin' me! '

The Centrelink girl replied, ' Yeah, well . . you started it.'

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'. Some
interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my
mum gets.
--Tim, 7 years old

Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when
he is asleep, so beer is nice.
--Melanie, 7 years old

My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes
her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.
--Grady, 7 years old

My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the
more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.
--Toby, 7 years old

My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so
he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he
danced right into the pool.
--Lilly, 7 years old

I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages
on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.
--Ethan, 7 years old

I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.
--Shirley, 7 years old

My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever
she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the
street again, but that doesn't make any sense.
--Jack, 7 years old

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:

You are in Queensland, Brisbane to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a cyclone, with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless.You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.


THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...

You suddenly realize who it is...

It's Kevin Rudd!

You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options:

You can save his life. or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!



THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

__________________
Heightmaster

Done it

Kevin The Rooster.

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, to fertilise the pullets' eggs. Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favourite rooster was Kevin, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Kevin's bell hadn't rung at all!

Trevor went to investigate.The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's amazement, Kevin had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Kevin, he entered him into the Brisbane Exhibition and Kevin became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The Result? The judges not only awarded Kevin the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly Kevin was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and doing them when they weren't paying attention.

Do you know a Pullitician called Kevin?...........

funarty

oh quintex!

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

newguy18

You guys sure like to poke fun at this rudd fella huh.

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

funarty

Yer he's the P.M. whatta ya reckon!Gotta give 'em shit they are politicians!!!

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Steve Tipton

Hurry up Bill.
You've only got 1 more day to have a go at Dubya!

__________________
Heightmaster

treevet

When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in until he proved his identity.

Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.

And when Picasso died St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're Picasso?"

Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St Peter was convinced and let him in.

When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. "How can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said.

Bush replied, "Well heck, I don't know."

St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're George W. Bush?"

Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?"

St Peter says, "it must be you, George, c'mon in."

funarty

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and
Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many
years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom how is it possible that you told me the human
race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?' The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is
very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Steve Tipton

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane
when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador

in the middle seat next to the man.


The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is
allowed on the plane ?


The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer
and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'


The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says:

Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.


Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.


Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.


The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says:
'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'


'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.


Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds,
returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's
arm.


The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making
note of his seat number for the police.'


'I like it!' says his seat mate.


The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.


Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a
moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the

middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.


The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure
out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this,
so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'




The agent nervously replies,




'He just found a bomb !'

__________________
Heightmaster