It's just a Joke!

funarty

And turn down that crappy football!

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Steve Tipton

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, "So, you're a man. That's interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God!" But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

Kia Ora you fullahs ( and gidday dingos)

Three Australians and three Maori's are travelling by train to a Rugby
match at the World Cup in England .. At the station, the three Aussies
each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maori's buy just one ticket
between them.

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of
the Aussies. 'Watch and learn bro,' answers one of the Maori's.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all
three Maori's cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket
please.'


The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in
hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the
game, they decide to copy the Maori's on the return trip and save
some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return
trip. To their astonishment, the Maori's don't buy a ticket at all!!


'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' says one perplexed Aussie.



'Watch and learn bro ,' answers a Maori ..


When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and soon
after the three Maori's cram into another nearby. The train departs.


Shortly afterwards, one of the Maori's leaves the toilet and walks over to
the toilet where the Aussies are hiding. He knocks on the door
and says, 'Ticket please.'

__________________
Heightmaster

Eric Frei

No doubt about the crafty Cops of Canada.

__________________

TreeDimensional

LOL Ekka, at least that was a shot at Eastern Canada. We pick on them too! That couldn't happen here, there NO snow.

phill ellison

LOL I wonder what the end result was

TreeDimensional

Well Phil, I believe the rest of the world now thinks we a Hosers!

phill ellison

you tube- baddayattherodeo

phill ellison

bugger it didnt work

Steve Tipton

The Pakistani Border



grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask

her students? what they had for breakfast.

To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

?

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.

'Very good', says the teacher.

?

Peter says he had toast. 'T-O-A-S-T'.

'Excellent.'

?

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. 'I had f**k all', he says, 'F-*-*-K A-L-L'.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

?

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

?

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's east coast.

?

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.

?

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'

?

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.

?

That's why I got f**k all for breakfast'.

__________________
Heightmaster

pomme

Pussy or Bitch

After playing on the playground at school, Tommy came home with some new words in his vocabulary. Puzzled at what they meant, he went to his mother. "Mom, what's a pussy?" Not at all shocked by the question, she opened up an encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a cat. He then asked "What's a bitch?" Once again, not at all disturbed, she opened the encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a female dog.

Confused, little Tommy then went to his father. "Dad, what's a pussy?" He felt that it was time for his son to learn about life and opened up a porno and circled the area between a womans legs. Enlightened, he then asked him, "Then what's a bitch?" His father replied, "Everything outside of the circle."

clementine

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her stammerers’ Action Group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said: “If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?”

The Englishman piped up, “B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham” he said.

“That's no use, Trevor” said the speech therapist, “whose next?”

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out: “G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-lasgow”.

“That's no better. There'll be no wild sex for you either, Hamish.
How about you, Paddy?'

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out “London”.

”That's brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy wild sex, the therapist paused for breath, and Paddy said “d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry”

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

clementine

A Christmas Story:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Steve Tipton

Ha ha ha Clemmie!
You brained it x2.
Steve

__________________
Heightmaster

funarty

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other
driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I
AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one
are you?'

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Jeff Darby

LOL.....Well! which one was he?...LOL.

__________________

Member: Australian Tree Association

Join the Australian Tree Association...Have your voice heard !

Arboriculture, A life long study for some, a passing phase for others

© Jeffrey J Darby 2011

funarty

a new one ...Shitty!

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

clementine

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Steve Tipton

You know you're Australian if....

You know the meaning of 'girt'

You believe that stubbies can either be worn or drunk

You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin

You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse

You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden

When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom

You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds

You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'

You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'

You believe the 'L' in the word ' Australia ' is optional

You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas'

You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep

You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'

You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place

You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin

You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'

You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread

You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis

You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'

You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'

You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year

You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'

You wear ugh boots outside the house

You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them

Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language

You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is alway polite

You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose

You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'

You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle

Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket

You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'

You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'

When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit

You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered

You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction

When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer

You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second

You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

You will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand!!

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The moth er was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. (It also made me Laugh Out Loud.) Remember, this is a strictly mathematical viewpoint. It goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

__________________
Heightmaster

funarty

Good one!
The future of nursery rhyme
It's Raining, It's Pouring
Oh sh!t, it's Global Warming
-Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.
-Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread
-Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
'Pies you dummy!'
-Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its @rse
And turned its wool to nylon.
--Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too cause he was gay.
--Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her @rse
Now two of his teeth are missing.
--Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Steve Tipton

Two Prawns



Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."



As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.



Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new
menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the
reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.

"Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked. " Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me.











SCROLL DOWN






















"I've changed." "I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian".

__________________
Heightmaster

funarty

That was BAD!
Roses...A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?' She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.She said 'I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall'

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Garry Brockley

'Twas The Night Before Christmas In Jail





'Twas the night before Christmas

And all through the cells

The inmates were locked up

All madder than hell



Except for the lifers

Kicked back in their bunks

Heads filled with visions

Of fat little punks



When suddenly from the roof top

There arose such a roar

That the screws thought it was

A riot for sure



The goon squad ran in

And stood ready to hit

A big guard yelled out

Who started this sh*t?



It came from the roof top

Sniveled a snitch

It must be a breakout

Oh, son of a bitch



They climbed to the roof

By way of the stairs

Found a fat little freak

In red underwear



No, No yelled the dude

I bring you good cheer

Damn said the Captain

We found us a queer



Alright mother hubbard

Get your hands on the wall

They shook him down good

A**hole and all



They beat him and threw him

Into the hole with a kick

Well so much for Christmas

They locked up St. Nick

__________________

funarty

Why did the Chicken cross the road ?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realise that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before he goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realise how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH : Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH : We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chick book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#*&&^(C% ........ reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON : I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS : Did I miss one?

__________________
COOL TREES=COOL PLANET

Garry Brockley

This one is priceless... Wrong email address!
>>
>> A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!
>>
>> A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
>> particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
>> they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
>>
>> Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
>> travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida
>> on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband
>> checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he
decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one
> letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the
> email.
>>
>> Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from
> her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to
glory following a heart attack.
>>
>> The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives
> and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
>>
>> The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the
floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
>>
>> To: My Loving Wife
>> Subject: I've Arrived
>> Date: October 16, 2007
>>
>> I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
>>
>> I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything
has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
>>
>> Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as
uneventful as mine was.
>>
>> P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
>

__________________

ArborealTerror

Galbee - priceless. LMFAO.

newguy18

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

clementine

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline, "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why do doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why do you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows XT or 2000?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why isn't there a mouse-flavoured cat food?
Who tastes dog food to check it has a "new & improved" flavour?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why do they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

MERRY CHRISTMAS

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!