It's just a Joke!

OutofMytree

Dear Funarty,

I am your most ardent fan. Please keep posting the jokes. I really don't hang around here to talk about trees .... its just you... honest!

treevet

No offense to Funarty. She is a recent grandma (gramma) and quite proud I noticed.

Let's fire off a retaliatory laugher in good sport!;

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a Doc to find out how to go about this. "Well, said the Doc, it is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half of your brain"

"That's OK said the Englishman as I've always wanted to become an Irishman and I am willing to take the risk."

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the Doctor...."I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doc said, "Instead of taking out half of the brain we took the whole brain out!"

The patient replied "No worries, mate."

(s)

newguy18

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southsoundtree

Whadda ya call a Deer with no Eyes?

No eye Deer-- no idea'r.

Whadda ya call a deer with no eyes, standing still?

Still no idea'r.

Whadda ya call a deer with no eyes, no nuts, standing still?

Still no F%#$ing idea'r





Whadda ya call a cow with three legs?

Tri-tip Beef.

Two legs?

Lean Beef.

One leg?

Beef stake.

No legs?

Ground beef.


What do you call fly with no wings?

A walk.

What do you call a dog with no legs.

Doesn't matter, he won't come.

funarty

Glad U like 'em MATE! Yer we hate americans here!
*What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your door step?......Mat
*What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hole?.......Phil
*What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the long grass?......Russell
*What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the sea?....Bob

newguy18

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. ' What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!

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newguy18

Whats the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?
The northern fairy tale starts off once upon a time.
The southern fairy tale starts of,Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.

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newguy18

What's blue and doesn't fit?

A dead epileptic.

What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?

Throw your washing in!

Note... a friend of mine once died in the bath. Oddly enough, whilst having an epileptic fit.

He choked on a sock.

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old schooler

newguy18

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.


What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.


Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.


What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.


Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.


What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.



What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
10 years and 45 lbs.


What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.


What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.


Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.


Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.


Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.



Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.



What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.


Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA..


Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.


Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him 'Sum Ting Wong.'


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.



What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... 'a recipe'.




How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

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old schooler

Garry Brockley

nice one NG

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StrictlyPalms

K, so more tasteless one liners.....

what do you call.......

An american girl with one leg?
Ilene

A Chinese girl with one leg?
Irene

A leper in the hot tub?
Stu

Why'd they stop the leper Hockey game?
there was a face-off at center Ice.

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Orlando, Florida USA

newguy18

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phill ellison

LOL that was nasty

funarty

Leper in a hot tub....Good one

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newguy18

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old schooler

newguy18

Night Befo Crizzmus

Wus da night afo' Crizzmus, and all thru da hood,
everybody be sleepin' and da sleepin' be good.
We hunged up our stockins, an hoped like all heck,
dat dear Ol' Obama's, gunna brang us our checks.

All of da family, was ly'in on the flow,
my sister wif her gurlfriend, and my brother wif some hoe.
Ashtrays was all full , empty beer cans and all
when I heared such a fuss, I thunk...."Sh'eet, it must be da law".

I pulled the sheet off da windoe and what I'ze could see,
I was spectin' the sherrif, wif a warrent fo' me.
But what did I see, made me say, "Laaawd look at dat".
dere was a huge watermelon, pulled by 8 big-ass rats.

Now over all of da years, Santy Claws he be white,
but it looks like us brotha's, got a black un' tonight.
Faster than a poe'lice car, my homeboy he came,
and whupped up on dem rats, as he called dem by name.

On Biden, On Jessie, On Polosi and Hillary Who
On Fannie, On Freddi, On Ayers, and Slick Willy too.
Obama landed dat melon, right there in da street,
I knowed it fo' sho', - can you believe that Sh'eet!.

Dat Santy didn't need no chimney, he picked da lock on my doe,
an I sez to myself, "Son o' bitch...he don did dis befoe"!
He had a big bag, full of presents - at first I suspeck?
Wif "Air Jordans" and fake gold, to wear roun my neck.

But he left me no presents, just started stealin my shit.
He got my guns and my crack, and my new burglers kit.
Den, wif my crap in his bag, out da windoe he flew,
I sho' woulda shanked him, be he snagged my knife too.

He jumped back on dat melon, wif out even a hitch,
and waz gone in two seconds, "democrat son of a bitch".
So nex year I be hopin', a white Santy we git,
'cause a black Santy Claws, just ain't worf a shit ! !!!

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OutofMytree

Politically incorrect.

And damn funny!

Oldtimer

HAPPY TURKEY SEASON....


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A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.



He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'



The boy replied, 'What turkey?'



The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'



The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'



The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.



If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'



The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his butt and let him go!'



May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!



Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

clementine

Here's one you can even tell the kids!:

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom and the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think we are going to be having a little babybroom!"


"IMPOSSIBLE !" said the groom broom.













"We haven't even swept together yet!!"

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Steve Tipton

The Half-Wit

A man owned a small farm in Scotland The Inland Revenue claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.'
'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.'
'Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

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Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

Subject: It seems we haven't learned much in the past 2063 years




The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled,

public debt should be reduced,

the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled,

and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt.

People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance.


-- Cicero , 55 BC

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Steve Tipton

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said.

'Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad, at the same time.'


She replied. 'You have the biggest d@@k of all your friends.'

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Steve Tipton

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (this is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' , that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!

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Heightmaster

funarty

FINE!

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clementine

Why do they always leave the seat down?

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

funarty

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside
> the local town
> hall where a flower show was in progress.
>
> The thin one leaned over and
>
> Said, 'Life is so darned boring.
>
> We never have any fun any more
>
> For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off
>
> And streak through that stupid flower show!'
>
> 'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding
> up a $10.00 note.
>
> The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her
> clothes and,
>
> Completely naked, streaked
>
> (as fast as an old lady can)
>
> Through the front door of the flower show.
>
> Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion
> inside the hall;
>
> Followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.. The
> smiling and naked
>
> Old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a
> cheering crowd.
>
> 'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.
>
> 'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.'

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pomme

Steve Tipton

THIS WAS VOTED THE BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2007

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed
bicycle. His father
said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on
this house is $280,000
and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we
can afford it." The
next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front
door with a
suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you
going?" Little Joseph told him;
"I was walking past your room last night and heard you
telling mom you were
pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she
was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself
with a $280,000 mortgage
and no bike!

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Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

An Australian Love Poem.

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird

And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab

It means that when I'm ready
There's something there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care

So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts

They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies

I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met

I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear

Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer.

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Heightmaster

funarty

Fetch ya own beer!

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