It's just a Joke!

Eric Frei

LOL, and she hangs around here a lot!

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funarty

You are just a bunch of bastards!Your poor wives!!! I feel so sorry for them

bill24

" I've learnt that if I upset my wife she nags me, if I upset her even more I get the silent treatment.


I think its worth the extra effort!!!!!"

funarty

My sister had a man that lost his voice permanently.My ideal man!!! U r an ungrateful lot

clementine

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

newguy18

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old schooler

funarty

But still you get married! Suckers suffer !

clementine

That's a "LOVE" thing that occurs between young men and women.
Men tend to take care of themselves (weight wise) more than women and the "LOVE" thing wears off too quickly!!!

Love/weight/weight/love= pretty young thing for me!!!

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

newguy18

I'm still single,been like that since i was 14 and i love it,i can pick on both sides.Suckers.

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ArborealTerror

Um Bill - 'both sides'. Are you trying to tell us something?

BTW - was it a messy divorce at 14?

StrictlyPalms

Subject: 6 truths of life...
I did not know this!

6 Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.










2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.
3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You soon will Email this to another idiot.
6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.
I apologize about this. I'm an idiot and I needed company ...

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Strictly Palms, Inc.
Orlando, Florida USA

mrkite6661

the u.s. finally got a hold of bin laden,,and as they had him in the interrogation room they tried torturing him,and used their best experts to get him to confess but nothing worked,,so they posted an ad in the newspapaer,,telling everyone in the u.s. if they can make him crack they would pay a sum of 1 million dollars to that american....well after many failed attempts an old hillbilly finally comes in and goes in the interrogation room and five minutes later comes out with a signed confession...puzzled the police ask how he did it...."simple"said the hillbilly"" i told him if he didnt confess id make him go home to his wife..and explain to her where hes been hiding all this time...he came to his senses and confessed""

newguy18

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old schooler

clementine

A man dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil ...

Satan: 'Why so glum?'
Man: 'Why do you think? I'm in hell!'
Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'
Man: 'Yes, I love to drink.'
Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Lager, Beer, Guinness, Spirits, Wine. We drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'
Man: 'That sounds great!'

Satan: 'You a smoker?'
Man: 'All my life'
Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?'
Man: 'Terrific. things are starting to look up'

Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'
Man: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'
Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Poker, Horses, Dogs, Roulette whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyway.'
Man: 'Cool!'

Satan: 'What about drugs?'
Man: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean ...?'
Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a spliff the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'
Man 'Wow! I never realised Hell was such a cool place!'


Satan: 'Are You gay?'
Man 'No!, absolutely not !!...'
Satan: 'Ooooh dear, Fridays are gonna be tough then.

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

funarty

Mega sore arse day!

funarty

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip. The Brunette team rode on the bottom ofthe bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. the brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!!

clementine

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well- dressed, good looking man in his late 40's or early 50's. 'May I help you?' she asked. '

I want to see Valerie,' the man replied. 'Sir, Valerie is one of our most
expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,' said the madam.
'No. I must see Valerie,' was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
$5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars
and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no man had ever come back two nights in a row
and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man.
'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' The man replied, 'South Dakota.' 'Really!' she said. 'I have family in South Dakota.'

'I know,' the man said. 'Your father died, and I am his attorney.
He asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Eric Frei

Three women friends met for drinks after work.................

1 in a casual relationship

1 engaged to be married and

1 a long time wife.

The conversation drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M Role Playing. The following week they met up again to compare notes.

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said,



"Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it, and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels."

"He was SO aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!!!"

The engaged woman giggled and said....

"That's pretty much my story! When My fiancé came home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps."

"He was SO turned on that we not only made love ALL night, but he also wants to move up our Wedding date!!!"

The married lady up t her glass down and said.........

"I did A LOT of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings a six-inch stilettos. I finished off with a black mask."

"When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled.......................................



"HEY Batman........What's for dinner?""

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Jeff Darby

Funny stuff....It made me laugh.

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Member: Australian Tree Association

Join the Australian Tree Association...Have your voice heard !

Arboriculture, A life long study for some, a passing phase for others

© Jeffrey J Darby 2011

newguy18

this is classic.

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newguy18

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old schooler

funarty

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual. "I have a headache.""Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, what's it gunna be?"

Eric Frei

You're really pushing the envelope eh.

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Eric Frei

Here's a couple of funny ones.


Yeah, the Royal's are INDIAN!

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Eric Frei

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family , so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so! we call her the

Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you

the People.


The nanny, we will consider her the

Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future .

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy! Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good,son,tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies,

'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.

The People are being ignored and the

Future is in deep shit

__________________

treevet

excellent

newguy18

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old schooler

funarty

Yer thats a good one!
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? ( USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not .... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? ( USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum.(USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay night clubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll haveto learn it first.

Garry Brockley

nice one funarty

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treevet

Gramma..............another America hater.... ()