It's just a Joke!

newguy18

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old schooler

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old schooler

Done it

One for you NG,


Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks! him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks! him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says,"Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that "Mother F%^&*#" would have tried that sh*t with me.'"

Done it

And one for Ekka,


A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Queensland.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Australia and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own!"

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Queensland. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.

He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get onto his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

funarty

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit! Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........
Well, Shit Happens - just the depth varies!!!

phill ellison

shit Funarty , that was a shit hot joke, shit it made me laugh

Jeff Darby

Shit eh!..LOL..one of my wife's favorite sayings when the kids pester her about what were having for tea....wait for it......shit with sugar...

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Garry Brockley

Thats a universal dish cos my kids get that answer all the time

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Steve Tipton

A priest checks into a hotel and says to the receptionist'I hope the porn channel on my TV is disabled'. She replies 'No sir, it's just ordinary porn, you sick bastard'.

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Heightmaster

funarty

funarty

Re: NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly.
'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.'
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'.'

Steve Tipton

She was standing in the kitchen
> Preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
> Wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
>
> As I walked in almost awake,
> She turned and said softly,
> 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
>
> My eyes lit up and I thought,
> 'I am either still dreaming or
> This is going to be my lucky day.'
>
> Not wanting to lose the moment,
> I embraced her and then gave it my all;
> Right there on the kitchen table.
>
> Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the
> stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.
>
> A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
>
>
> She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

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Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

Three Men on a Hike
>
>
>
> Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
> raging, Violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first
man
> prayed:
>
> 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
>
>
>
> Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to
swim
> across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
>
>
>
> After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me
> strength and the tools to cross the river'
>
>
>
> Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and
he
> was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
>
>
>
> Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:
'God,
> please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross
> the river'
>
>
>
> Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
> hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
>

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Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

subject: Fw: Fw: Female Compassion - brilliant!!!!!!

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carol
That the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears,
he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made
passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Darling, now I only
have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Carol agreed
and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
hours of life left. He touched Carol 's shoulder and said, 'Darling?
Please? Just one more time before I die?' She agreed, and then
afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep
Barry, however, lay there awake and listened to the clock ticking in his
head, tossing and turning until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Darling, I only
have four hours left! Could we...?'

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen, I'm not
trying to be funny, Barry, but I have to get up in the morning - you
don't......'

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Heightmaster

funarty

Good ones Quinny

Steve Tipton

A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the Most embarrassing moment in listener's lives. The final four were:



4th Place

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willie last night.' After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

3rd Place

It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'.. My entire family parents, grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.

2nd Place
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally Got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.
The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, 'Price check for Tampax supersize.'
But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks' , and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system: 'Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind one you belt in with a hammer.



1st Place.
And the winner is . . ..


This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology lecture.. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?' The professor responded, yes, that's correct adding some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class. However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question. 'It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat'.

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Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it
turned out
to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class
because it
was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little
behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited
for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole
has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police
are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One
hat said to
the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it
hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off
the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a
hospital. His grandmother telephoned to ask how he was. The
nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a
small medium at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now
a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism
it's your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of
religion.

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Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

The Indian Student
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'? She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:

'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said. 'Very good!'

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?' Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.

'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: '???? the Indians,' 'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.' The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!' Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're f@@#@d!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, I think it was George Bush, Iraq , 2007.'

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Steve Tipton

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human Beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand.

"I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl.

"My kitty raised his back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss" and before he could say "Shit,"
the Rottweiler ate him!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Heightmaster

Eric Frei

An ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'. The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.’

__________________

Steve Tipton

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A
> > sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought
> > a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three
> > walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the
> > old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three
> > walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the
> > elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
> >
> > Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a
> > faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing
> > Scotsman' . He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less
> > still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was
> > illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts
> > were placed on the table.
> >
> > The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and
> > shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The
> > crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with
> > him after the show.
> >
> > 'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know
> > something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?
> > |
> > |
> > |
> > |
> > |
> > |
> > ''Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'
> >
> >
> >

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Heightmaster

funarty

Good one

southsoundtree

What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift.

southsoundtree

Chicken and Horse are best friend on the gentleman rancher's farm. The gentleman rancher it the type to work a very well paying white collar job in the city, but acts like he really want to be a rancher out in the country. He has a horse, a chicken, a goat, a few sheep, but really its just for looks. He doesn't have a work truck, but a shiny BMW.

One day after the rain, Horse and Chicken are out playing. They are best friends.

Horse accidently falls into a very deep mud puddle and is stuck, slowly sinking.

"Chicken, Chicken, Chicken! Go get the rancher to pull me out! Please, Please, I'll die otherwise!"

Chicken goes in flash to find the gentleman rancher, who just happens to be speeding back in from the city in his beemer. Chicken gets the rancher. The rancher puts a rope on the beemer and throws the other end around the horses neck, pulling him to safety.

"Chicken, Chicken! You saved my life. You're my best friend and I'll never forget this."

Chicken and Horse remain friend, playing around the ranch everyday.

Another storm comes.

Chicken falls into a mud puddle.

"Horse, Horse! Go get the rancher to pull me out or I'll drown!"

Horse runs as fast as he can to find the rancher, who just happened to be speeding out of the driveway to the city. Horse was just a little to late.

Horse starts to panic, thinking about what to do.

Suddenly Horse think of a solution. He straddles the puddle, hangs down his "junk", to which Chicken grabs hold, and is pulled to safety.

"Horse, Horse! Thank you, thank you! You've saved my life. You're my best friend."

Horse and Chicken remain best friend for the rest of their lives.









You understand the moral of the story, don't you?















If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Beemer, to pick up chicks!

Eric Frei

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

__________________

Jeff Darby

LOL...Wait til funarty see's this..LOL..
All valid points though!..LOL.

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Member: Australian Tree Association

Join the Australian Tree Association...Have your voice heard !

Arboriculture, A life long study for some, a passing phase for others

© Jeffrey J Darby 2011