It's just a Joke!

funarty

Hehe good one

StrictlyPalms

When you have a ' I Hate My Job' day,
[even if retired you have those sometimes] try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &
Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw
the curtains and disconnect the phone so yo u will not be
disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open
the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table
or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will
notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested
and then sanitized. '

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not
work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT
IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

__________________
Strictly Palms, Inc.
Orlando, Florida USA

StrictlyPalms

Sent to me by a female Coworker

Very Short Story

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells out window, BITCH!
Man rounds next curve.
Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought For the Day:
If men would just listen

__________________
Strictly Palms, Inc.
Orlando, Florida USA

funarty

If you mated a bulldog and a shitzu would it be called a bullshit?

funarty

A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... Smoking a joint



When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,

'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'



The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala

Where they enjoyed a few tokes.




After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry'

And that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far

Over and fell into the river.




A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and

Helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,

'What's the matter with you?'




The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he

Was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,

Got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.



The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked

Into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was

Sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

'Hey you!'



So the koala looked down at him and said,



'Shiiiiiiiiiiit, duuuuuude.....

How much water did you drink?!!'

Steve Tipton

Subject: Olympic commentators







Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators:




1 Weightlifting commentator:

'This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

2 Dressage commentator:

'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

3 Paul Hamm, Gymnast:

'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

4 Boxing Analyst:

'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

5 Softball announcer:

'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'

6 Basketball analyst:

'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'

7 At the rowing medal ceremony:

'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'

8 Soccer commentator:

'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'

9 Tennis commentator:

'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

Staff Warning - Swearing at Work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.



1 Try Saying: I think you could do with more training Instead Of: You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?
2 Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter. Instead Of: She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch
3 Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late Instead Of: And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?
4 Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible Instead Of: F*** off a*se-hole
5 Try Saying: Really? Instead Of: Well f*** me
6 Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with... Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a f***.
7 Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project. Instead Of: Not my f***ing problem.
8 Try Saying: That's interesting. Instead Of: What the f***?
9 Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented
within the given timescale. Instead Of: No f***ing chance mate.
10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in Instead Of: Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?
11. Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues Instead Of: He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.
12. Try Saying: Excuse me, sir? Instead Of: Oi, f*** face.
13. Try Saying: Of course, I was only going
to be at home anyway Instead Of: Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but
knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She
thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to
hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house
than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot
about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing
very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a
really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and
kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o 'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired
hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found
the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting
for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.'
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the
floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired.'

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

A doctor in Ireland wants to get off work and go play golf, so he approaches his assistant.

"Seamus, I am going golfing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic," he says. "I want you to take care of the clinic and all me patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Seamus.

The doctor goes golfing, returns the following day and asks, "So, Seamus, how was your day?"

Seamus tells him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol.'

'Bravo, Seamus, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir," says Seamus.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this. And what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman bursts into the room. Quick as a wink she undresses herself, tearing off every stitch of clothing including her bra and her panties, and lies down on the table. She spreads her legs and shouts, "Help me, I beg you! It's been five years since I've seen a man!"

"Thunderin Lord Jesus, Seamus, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

__________________
Heightmaster

phill ellison

Well done Quintrex had a good laugh on all four of them

Steve Tipton

TOOL DEFINITIONS:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which
you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
''What the...??''

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction
of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible
future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the
trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside
edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent
the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC''S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often,
the next tool that you will need
__________________

__________________
Heightmaster

Eric Frei

I thought palm cleaning was bad!

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__________________

ArborealTerror

I dunno Ekka. The result is the same. You still wind up covered in 5hit

StrictlyPalms

Politicians everywhere are the same.......


A Cowboy Named Bud

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote
mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW
advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and
YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,
will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd
and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T
RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS
satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite
that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image
processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed
and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and
finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs
it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is,
will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required,' answered the cowboy.
'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are;
and you don't know a thing about cows... this is a herd of sheep... Now give me back my dog.

__________________
Strictly Palms, Inc.
Orlando, Florida USA

newguy18

no pic?

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old schooler

funarty

LIFE

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get
that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better
every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your
pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on
your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy
your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous,
then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you
become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby
until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in
luxurious spa like conditions with central heating and room service on tap,
larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm! I
rest my case

StrictlyPalms

guess linking to my inbox doesn't actually work for anyone but me 8)

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__________________
Strictly Palms, Inc.
Orlando, Florida USA

newguy18

Poor Clem.

__________________
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old schooler

Steve Tipton

Dear Mum and Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Jimmie is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Love, Matthew

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

One day, long, long ago....... there was a woman who did not whine, nag or complain.

















But this was a long time ago . . . and it was just that one day.

The End

__________________
Heightmaster

Garry Brockley

Simple differences between men and women

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,
Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as
Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though
it's only for £32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want
change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel
from M&S.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer
the phone, read a book, and get
the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite
foods, secret fears and hopes and
dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
SO, Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy
reading it.

__________________

funarty

Yesterday today and tomorrow there is a man that whines nags and complains

bill24

Sowhere recently I read:-

"A woman has the last word in any argument."



G........give up now, have a if your allowed, get a bit



I'm off fishing later this month, any hints on hooking???

newguy18

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old schooler

newguy18

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old schooler

bill24

NG, rip snorters mate, made my evening.

funarty

funarty

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale ' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who ! says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'All right, that's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!'

Eric Frei

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year l ife span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

__________________

newguy18

gotta send that one to my mom.

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old schooler