It's just a Joke!

treevet

funarty

Larry LaPrise Dies At 93

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at
the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person,
which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrice, the man that wrote
The Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part
for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

funarty

A blonde went to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. T-shirt.
'Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday T-shirt on Monday?'
'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant Tits Go In Front'.

bill24

For those who remember the 1960s, as I do!

==================================


It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. 'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' she says.

That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they are planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.'

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says 'Wha...aaat?'

'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue's mother, 'We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

Harold's eyes l ight up and he smiles from ear to ear.. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, 'Have a good Evening kids,' with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:



"It's The Twist, Mother! The Twist! It's called The Twist!' .


============================================

funarty

GRANDMA AND GRANDPA WERE WATCHING A RELIGIOUS HEALING PROGRAM ON TV...
THE EVANGELIST CALLED TO ALL WHO WANTED TO BE HEALED, TO PUT ONE HAND

ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON THE BODY PART THEY WANTED HEALED...

GRANDMA HOBBLED TO THE TV AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON

HER ARTHRITIC HIP..

GRANDPA MADE HIS WAY TO THE SET AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE

OTHER ON HIS CROTCH...

GRANDMA LOOKED AT HIM WITH DISGUST: 'YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU OLD

COOT...THE PURPOSE OF THIS PROGRAM IS TO HEAL THE SICK, NOT RAISE

THE DEAD.

treevet

Good one Funarty, Those grandma's know their stuff Grandma power!

Q.Q.

A bloke say's to his Wife

Why Don't you tell me when you Orgasm?.

Wife replies

I don't like ringing you at work!.

__________________

Q,Q's Tree & Garden Maintenance

FAMILARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT

funarty

So true!!

Steve Tipton

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the
> boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have
> boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She
> tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.' The
> boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to
> tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad
> does.She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'. Again
> satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
> Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,
> '*Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer
> he talks, the dumber he gets.'*

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a black
Man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, 'What is
Your name?'

'I can't tell you,' the black man says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is,
and he always responds the same, he can't tell her. On her last night there
she asks again 'Can you please tell me your name?'

'I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me.' says the black man.

'There is no reason for me to laugh at you,' the lady says.
'Fine, my name is Snow!' the black man replies. And the lady bursts into
laughter, and the black man gets mad and says,' I knew you would make fun of it'.

The lady replied, 'I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my
husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow
every day in Jamaica.

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so
>
> advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it
>
> in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
>
>
>
> A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany , we can
>
> take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have
>
> him looking for work in four weeks.'
>
>
>
> A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so
>
> advanced,we can take half a heart from one person, put
>
> it in another, and have them both looking for work in
>
> two weeks.'
>
>
>
> The Aussie doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Huh!, that's
>
> nothing. We can take an arsehole out of Queensland, put
>
> him in Canberra and have half the country looking for work
>
> within twenty-four hours.

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed
> and walked
> back into the kitchen completely naked except for the
> boots. Again he
> asked
> Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything
> different NOW?'
>
> Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's
> different? It's
> hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday,
> it'll be hanging
> down
> again
> tomorrow!'
>
> Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S
> HANGING DOWN,
> MARGARET?'
>
> 'Nope', she replied.
>
> 'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY
> NEW BOOTS!!!!'
>
> Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,
> 'Shoulda bought a
> hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'
>

__________________
Heightmaster

StrictlyPalms

There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do.'



The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?' Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, ' Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others? '

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease...and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!

__________________
Strictly Palms, Inc.
Orlando, Florida USA

funarty

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat and as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful young womanboarding the plane.

He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?'
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .'
He swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?' 'Lecturer,' she responded.'I use
my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'
'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'
'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.


Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men ofGreek descent.


We have also found that the best potential lovers in allcategories are the Irish.'
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!'
'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.'

Eric Frei

Jeez I had a good laugh with them, I got no idea where you get good jokes like that.

__________________

ArborealTerror

Firstky an apology to all of our (arboreal) brothers in USA.

A Texan is taking a taxi tour around Sydney. He see's the Snowy River project.

'Hmm cute dams' he says. 'Tell me about them'

'Well', says the taxi driver.' It took 10,000 Australian workers 20 years to put together all of the dams and hydro-electric power stations that make up the snowy mountains Hydro Electric Scheme.'

'Oh Yeah' says the Texan, 'We got something like that. They call it the Hoover Dam, maybe you have heard of it, except it only took 5000 American workers 10 Years to build.'

Later they drive across the Sydney Harbour Bridge. 'Cute bridge!' says the Texan.

'Yeah', says the driver, 'Took 5000 Australian workers 10 years to build this bridge'

'Hmmf' says the Texan, We got a little old bridge just like this in the old US of A. We call it the Golden Gate. Maybe you have heard of it. It is a bit bigger than this but only took 2000 American workers 5 years to build it.'

Suddenly the Texan see's the Sydney Opera House. 'WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT?', he shouts.















Taxi driver replies 'Dunno, wasn't there this morning!'

playfordtree

.....Tonto Papadopoulos.....



Classic.

Well done Funarty

__________________
Euthanizing South Australian Trees
since 2007

funarty

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

funarty

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a
little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that
done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up
they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circum cision.'

Whoa!' the second kid replies. well buddy. I had that done when
I was born. Couldn't walk for a year.'

Steve Tipton

The Divorced Barbie Doll
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the
sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie
for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It 's what?! Why is the
Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:

Definitely not!

WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:

Of course I do.

WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:

Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:
- silence - -

HUSBAND:
F * ck ....

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

Dear Tech Support,


Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct
slowdown in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and
jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs
such as AFL; The Ashes; Football and Golf Clubs

Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the
system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no
avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

....................................................................

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband
is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to
download Tears and don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that
application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the
applications Jewellery and Flowers.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband to
default to Grumpy Silence, Happy Hour or Beer.

Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the
background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are
unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck, Tech Support

__________________
Heightmaster

funarty

Steve Tipton

A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She received back the following reply:


National Defence Headquarters
MGen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2 Canada


Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa . You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. You take good care of Ahmed and remember, we'll be watching.Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it

under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for

something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered

the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tide under that tree

outside? The blonde said it was hers.



Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.



The blonde replied, ' No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under

that shade tree.



The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be

bred.'



'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't

hungry 'cause I fed her this morning' The exasperated policeman

said, NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!

*_

(your going to love this)_*



The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well , go ahead . I always

wanted a police dog.

__________________
Heightmaster

bill24

A mate just sent this to me, I thought it was OK, some great jokes recently:-
=========================================================

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with
normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How
are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so
he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
bathroom, *poof*!, the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof*!, the light
goes off.' 'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he
says, 'George is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of
his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night
and *poof *!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done,
*poof*! the light goes off?'

'OH MY GAWD!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again.'

=========================================================

funarty

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bill24

How true is this???????????
=========================

(Hope this hasn't been posted already)

=========================

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: = You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! = There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. = The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:



Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. "That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:



Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.



The first floor has wives that love sex.



The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.



The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

newguy18

No pics

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

Jeff Darby

Bill24,

To true...LOL.

__________________

Member: Australian Tree Association

Join the Australian Tree Association...Have your voice heard !

Arboriculture, A life long study for some, a passing phase for others

© Jeffrey J Darby 2011