It's just a Joke!

treerat

clementine, you get an "A'' for that one you crack me up!!! Frickin words to live by.

clementine

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Steve Tipton

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics
and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations
for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. .What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'


The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and
a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

CANNON BALLS !!! DID YOU KNOW THIS ? I DIDN'T

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.
Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.
The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.
Thus,it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, you thought that was just a vulgar expression, didn't you? You must send this fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least a few uneducated friends.

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

An Australian Love Poem. Who said Australians weren't romantic?


Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer.

__________________
Heightmaster

newguy18

do aussies end up get hit by their wives alot?

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old schooler

Steve Tipton

Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said, 'Julia, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters.'

'Good idea Leader, how will we go about it?' said Julia.

'Well,' said Rudd, 'we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part.

We'll go to a typical old outback country pub; we'll show we really enjoy the bush.'

'Right.' Said Julia.


Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction.

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.

They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

'G'day mate,' said Rudd to the bartender, 'two middies of your best beer.'

'Good afternoon Leader,' said the bartender, 'two middies of our best coming up.'

Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again

to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip.

He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dogs tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

'Tell me,' said Rudd, 'why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?'


'Strewth no!' said the barman.

'Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes!'

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________ ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't
know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
_________________________________________________________
And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

__________________
Heightmaster

newguy18

Good ones.

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old schooler

LeifR

I see you guys have a lot of fun in this thread, making jokes about nearly anything. In Norway we have a lot of jokes about the Swedes. But being afraid of offending Swedish members, I don't dare to share some of those at the moment. So, I'll try anoter one. The story is rather unclear about what country this incident took place.

A travelling merchant came one late evening to a town where he wanted to stay over night. He went to the only hotel, and asked for a room. But no, he couldn’t get any because the hotel was only for coloured people. What to do? He suddenly got an idea: He went to the toilet and rubbed hands and face with black shoe polish. Then he asked for a room. Now it was ok, he was black. He also asked the room clerk to wake him up next morning because he had to catch an early bus. So he did, and the merchant had a good breakfast next morning before he went out to enter the bus. But stop a moment! This bus was only for white people, and he was black. Oh, please wait a bit, he asked the driver. He ran into the toilet to wash off the black shoe polish. But the polish wouldn’t off, regardless how much he was scrubbing.
And what was the reason? They had waked up a wrong man!

Have a good laughter. LeifR

Therrin

That is the FUNNIEST thing I've seen in a long time. I couldn't stop laughing. Ahhh, my stomach hurts from laughing.

playfordtree

Yes.

__________________
Euthanizing South Australian Trees
since 2007

Q.Q.

Ok got this new one for yas.

Ther are two men on the oppisite sides of the world but are thinking the exact same thing.One is walking a tightrope between two skyscrapers,and the other one is getting a b..w job off an 85yr old woman.

What are they thinking????????.








Don't look down, Don't look down,Don't look down,.

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Q,Q's Tree & Garden Maintenance

FAMILARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT

clementine

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Q.Q.

Very good had a laugh.

Didn't laugh at the one's I'v used though.I few more spring to mind.

__________________

Q,Q's Tree & Garden Maintenance

FAMILARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT

Steve Tipton

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married
and the other a long time wife all met for drinks after work. The
conversation eventually drifted toward how to best spice up their sex lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in
some S & M role playing. The following week they met up again to compare
notes.


Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end
of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat.
When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was
a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that
we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'


The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my
fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask,
leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we
not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!'

The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning.
I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long
scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight
leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask.


When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat
down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?''

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

The Lone Ranger and Tonto go camping in the desert. After they get their tent all set up, both men fall sound asleep...

Some hours later, Tonto wakes up the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look up toward sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asks Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says...
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow... What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo crap, Kemo Sabe. It means someone steal tent."

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

An Australian is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.

The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.'

Intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'

The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Aussie smirks, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's running about an hour fast, can I buy you a drink?'

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been
going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long
time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was,
walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave,
using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Fishbien," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.

I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.

I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to
love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f@@*n' wall...."

__________________
Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

*Pakistan**



Cricket Board refuses Richard Branson's

Virgin

Airlines sponsorship!

Billionaire Virgin Business Group boss, Richard Branson

has offered to sponsor the Pakistan cricket team,

currently reeling after a string of tournament defeats.



However, the embattled Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB) has

politely refused the generous multi-million-pound offer by

the cricket-mad

magnate.



As one harassed Board official snapped:



'We can't have"*VIRGIN*" written on our

shirts,

when we're getting screwed in every match!'

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Heightmaster

phill ellison

Welldone Quintrex , all awesome

newguy18

Hey batman whats for dinner.Classic.

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old schooler

Jeff Darby

l just read batman to my wife...LOL..and it got the "face"

Gave me a belly laugh though

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Join the Australian Tree Association...Have your voice heard !

Arboriculture, A life long study for some, a passing phase for others

© Jeffrey J Darby 2011

RandyMac

Yeah, the "face", got that here too, gotta quit reading TreeWorld jokes to the wife

__________________
RandyMac

funarty

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
"The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says...... "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

newguy18

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old schooler

funarty

A boy asks his Granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
>
> Granny replies, 'Bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?'

funarty

Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig are walking down a street in Bondi. Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
> The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair'
>
> Ian says to his pal, ' Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune. Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie accint.'
>
> 'No worries, smiled Craig, I'll keep my mouth shut.'
>
> They go in and Ian says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck and...'
>
> The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand, aren't you?'
>
> 'Well... yis,' says a surprised Ian. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'
>
> The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'.

ArborealTerror

A guy has been feeling pretty unwell and goes to the doctor. After running every conceivable test the Doctor calls the bloke in. The Doctor has a very sombre look on his face.

Patient: Is it bad news then?
Doctor: I am afraid so Mr Smith. After analysing the results of the tests we have realised that you are in fact dying!!!
Patient: So how long have I got Doc?
Doctor: Ten!
Patient: Ten what, weeks, months, years?















Doctor: Nine

Q.Q.

There were to baked beans who went on a road trip all around Australia.

Guess where they ended up??????.






In Cairns!.

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Q,Q's Tree & Garden Maintenance

FAMILARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT