It's just a Joke!

Steve Tipton · 18th August 2008, 08:49 PM

She'd been taught, 'Housework is a woman's job,' but one evening Joan arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table was set.
She was astonished!!

It turned out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who worked full-time and then had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.'

The night went very well.

The next day, she told her office friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that ..., Ralph was too tired.'

God is good

funarty · 19th August 2008, 09:46 AM

heheheh good one!

Done it · 21st August 2008, 08:57 PM

A husband and wife are doing their grocery shopping.
The man picks up a case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans," he says.

"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart.

"Whoa, what do you think you're doing?" asks the man.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.

The man replies, "So does the beer, and it's HALF THE PRICE!"

Done it · 21st August 2008, 09:05 PM

Just to be on the safe side,

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Good trade.'

Steve Tipton · 21st August 2008, 10:41 PM

Coupla good one there Mate!

Steve Tipton · 21st August 2008, 10:42 PM

LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN
>>
>> A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
>> 'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.
>>
>> On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of
>> Coco Pops
>> and jammy toasties!
>>
>> He took her to AltonTowersand put her on every ride in the park:
>> * The Death Slide
>> * The Wall of Fear
>> * The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
>>
>> Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
>>
>> Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they
>> went to
>> a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra
>> fries
>> and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.
>>
>> Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic
>> cartoon, a
>> hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could! ! ! ! ! ! ! drink, her
>> favourite
>> lolly and M&Ms!
>>
>>
>> What a fabulous adventure!
>>
>> Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed
>> exhausted.
>> He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked
>> 'Well
>> dear, what was it like being eight again?'
>>
>> Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total
>> realisation...'I meant my dress size, you f***ing idiot !!!'
>>
>>
>>

Steve Tipton · 21st August 2008, 10:46 PM

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you," asked Hillary?

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."!

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

clementine · 21st August 2008, 10:49 PM

playfordtree · 21st August 2008, 11:16 PM

Quinny & Done It

Those were some funny gags
lmao

Done it · 21st August 2008, 11:21 PM

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the
following items: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A half carton of eggs, A
quart of orange juice, A small head of romaine lettuce, A 2-pound can of
coffee, And a 1-pound package of bacon. As she was unloading her items
on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched
as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She
looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital
status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know
what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

treerat · 22nd August 2008, 01:35 PM

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur." Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven".

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle"?, Arthur said, " 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road"??

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman??.."

God said, "Ah, yes" Well, said Arthur, " professional to professional, you have some major flaws in your invention!"

#1 There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
#2 It chatters constantly at high speeds
#3 Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about to much
#4 The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
#5 The maintance costs are outrageous!!!!

"Hmmmmmm, you may have some good points there, "replied God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed, 'God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours".

Steve Tipton · 22nd August 2008, 08:25 PM

There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?'

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have 11 such ships; how many does France have? '

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.

At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, 'whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.'

He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'

You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...

A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.

At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.'

The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.'

'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!'

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. 'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to.'

You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Done it · 22nd August 2008, 09:03 PM

A Frenchwoman with a parrot on her shoulder walks into a bar. The Barman says "That’s a real ugly bird you got there. Where did you get it?” The Parrot says "I got it in France. There’s millions of’em there"

Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, " says the genie. The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming. The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France. The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."

phill ellison · 22nd August 2008, 09:08 PM

well done Quintrex and Done it, LOL

Done it · 22nd August 2008, 09:42 PM

OK two more,

A Frenchwoman walks into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The bartender says, "HEY! You can't bring that pig in here." The Frenchwoman says, "Excuse me...but that's a duck." The bartender says back, "Excuse ME, but I was talking to the duck."

There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.'

phill ellison · 22nd August 2008, 09:47 PM

you are a bad man LOL

clementine · 24th August 2008, 06:42 AM

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man.

'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said.

'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.' The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.'

Steve Tipton · 24th August 2008, 06:35 PM

Japanese Scientists Have Created A Camera With A Shutter Speed So Fast, They Can Now Photograph A Woman With Her Mouth Shut.

A Boy Asks His Granny, 'have You Seen My Pills, They Were Labelled Lsd?' Granny Replies, 'f**k The Pills, Have You Seen The Dragons In The Kitchen?!'

Little Billy Asks His Dad For A Telly In His Room. Dad Reluctactly Agrees.. Next Day Billy Comes Downstairs And Asks, 'dad, What's Love Juice?' Dad Looks Horrified And Tells Billy All About Sex.
Billy Just Sat There With His Mouth Open In Amazement.
Dad Says, 'so What Were You Watching?'
Billy Says, ' Wimbledon !'

A Woman Standing Nude In Front Of A Mirror, Says To Her Husband, 'i Look Horrible, I Feel Fat & Ugly, Pay Me A Compliment.'
He Replies, 'your Eyesight Is Perfect!'

Wife Gets Naked & Asks Hubby, 'what Turns You On More, My Pretty Face Or My Sexy Body?'
Hubby Looks Her Up & Down And Replies, 'your F***in' Sense Of Humour!'

playfordtree · 24th August 2008, 09:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Quintrex

Japanese Scientists Have Created A Camera With A Shutter Speed So Fast, They Can Now Photograph A Woman With Her Mouth Shut.

A Boy Asks His Granny, 'have You Seen My Pills, They Were Labelled Lsd?' Granny Replies, 'f**k The Pills, Have You Seen The Dragons In The Kitchen?!'

Little Billy Asks His Dad For A Telly In His Room. Dad Reluctactly Agrees.. Next Day Billy Comes Downstairs And Asks, 'dad, What's Love Juice?' Dad Looks Horrified And Tells Billy All About Sex.
Billy Just Sat There With His Mouth Open In Amazement.
Dad Says, 'so What Were You Watching?'
Billy Says, ' Wimbledon !'

A Woman Standing Nude In Front Of A Mirror, Says To Her Husband, 'i Look Horrible, I Feel Fat & Ugly, Pay Me A Compliment.'
He Replies, 'your Eyesight Is Perfect!'

Wife Gets Naked & Asks Hubby, 'what Turns You On More, My Pretty Face Or My Sexy Body?'
Hubby Looks Her Up & Down And Replies, 'your F***in' Sense Of Humour!'

Gold Medal Performance!

newguy18 · 25th August 2008, 03:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Quintrex

Japanese Scientists Have Created A Camera With A Shutter Speed So Fast, They Can Now Photograph A Woman With Her Mouth Shut.

A Boy Asks His Granny, 'have You Seen My Pills, They Were Labelled Lsd?' Granny Replies, 'f**k The Pills, Have You Seen The Dragons In The Kitchen?!'

Little Billy Asks His Dad For A Telly In His Room. Dad Reluctactly Agrees.. Next Day Billy Comes Downstairs And Asks, 'dad, What's Love Juice?' Dad Looks Horrified And Tells Billy All About Sex.
Billy Just Sat There With His Mouth Open In Amazement.
Dad Says, 'so What Were You Watching?'
Billy Says, ' Wimbledon !'

A Woman Standing Nude In Front Of A Mirror, Says To Her Husband, 'i Look Horrible, I Feel Fat & Ugly, Pay Me A Compliment.'
He Replies, 'your Eyesight Is Perfect!'

Wife Gets Naked & Asks Hubby, 'what Turns You On More, My Pretty Face Or My Sexy Body?'
Hubby Looks Her Up & Down And Replies, 'your F***in' Sense Of Humour!'

good ones.

Done it · 25th August 2008, 08:16 PM

I've been saving this one for you, NG.

Diary Review: Moving South, 2007
May 30, 2007 :

Just moved to Huntsville, Alabama from Chicago, Illinois.
Now, this is a city that knows how to live!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place!
I watched the sunset from a park while lying on a blanket.
It was beautiful.
I've finally found my home.
I love it here.

June 14, 2007 :

Really heating up.
Got to 100 degrees today. Not a problem.
Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this.
I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30, 2007:

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today.
Lots of cactus and rocks. The yard is a breeze to maintain!
No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love living in Huntsville.

July 10, 2007 :

The temperature hasn't been below 100 degrees all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least it's kind of windy, but getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.

July 15, 2007:

Fell asleep by the pool.
(Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson, though.
Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20, 2007:

Morgan (our cat) sneaked into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000 leather upholstery.
I told the kids that she ran away.
The car now smells like Kibbles and shits.
I learned my lesson, though. No more pets in this heat.

July 25, 2007:

The wind sucks.
It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer! And it's hot as hell!
The home air-conditioner is on the fritz, and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order the parts.

July 30, 2007:

Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
The monthly house payment is $1,500 and we can't even go inside.
Why did I ever come here?

August 4, 2007:

It's 105 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today for a cost of $900.
The temperature gets down to 78 degrees, but this freaking humidity makes the house feel like it's about 95 degrees.
I hate this stupid city.

August 8, 2007:

If another wise ass person cracks, "Hot enough for ya today?" I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat.
By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!

August 9, 2007:

Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car.
I thought my ass was on fire.
I lost two layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass.
Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

August 10, 2007:

The weather report might as well be a damn recording.
Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for two damn months, and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert?
Water rationing will be next, so I might as well watch $1,700 worth of cactus just dry up and blow into the damn pool.
Not even cactus can live in this damn heat.

August 14, 2007:

Welcome to HELL!!!
The temperature got to 105 degrees today.
Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car.
The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"
My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.
Freaking South.
What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?

newguy18 · 26th August 2008, 12:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Done it

I've been saving this one for you, NG.

Diary Review: Moving South, 2007
May 30, 2007 :

Just moved to Huntsville, Alabama from Chicago, Illinois.
Now, this is a city that knows how to live!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place!
I watched the sunset from a park while lying on a blanket.
It was beautiful.
I've finally found my home.
I love it here.

June 14, 2007 :

Really heating up.
Got to 100 degrees today. Not a problem.
Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this.
I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30, 2007:

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today.
Lots of cactus and rocks. The yard is a breeze to maintain!
No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love living in Huntsville.

July 10, 2007 :

The temperature hasn't been below 100 degrees all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least it's kind of windy, but getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.

July 15, 2007:

Fell asleep by the pool.
(Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson, though.
Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20, 2007:

Morgan (our cat) sneaked into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000 leather upholstery.
I told the kids that she ran away.
The car now smells like Kibbles and shits.
I learned my lesson, though. No more pets in this heat.

July 25, 2007:

The wind sucks.
It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer! And it's hot as hell!
The home air-conditioner is on the fritz, and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order the parts.

July 30, 2007:

Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
The monthly house payment is $1,500 and we can't even go inside.
Why did I ever come here?

August 4, 2007:

It's 105 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today for a cost of $900.
The temperature gets down to 78 degrees, but this freaking humidity makes the house feel like it's about 95 degrees.
I hate this stupid city.

August 8, 2007:

If another wise ass person cracks, "Hot enough for ya today?" I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat.
By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!

August 9, 2007:

Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car.
I thought my ass was on fire.
I lost two layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass.
Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

August 10, 2007:

The weather report might as well be a damn recording.
Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for two damn months, and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert?
Water rationing will be next, so I might as well watch $1,700 worth of cactus just dry up and blow into the damn pool.
Not even cactus can live in this damn heat.

August 14, 2007:

Welcome to HELL!!!
The temperature got to 105 degrees today.
Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car.
The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"
My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.
Freaking South.
What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?

Smart aleck.

Man i'm still going to therapy because of that state.

Done it · 26th August 2008, 12:20 AM

Why? Didn't you watch this show while you were there?

glumbert - Laughter is contagious

newguy18 · 26th August 2008, 05:09 AM

Nope to busy running from mosquitoes and gnats.

treerat · 26th August 2008, 06:18 AM

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, " I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no Idea your father was a pharmacist."

bill24 · 27th August 2008, 05:37 PM

The Flight Crew
==================================
The airliner pushed back from the gate and the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while Captain Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination.'

Ed, sitting in the eighth row, thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right, Is the Captain a woman?'

When the attendant came by with the drink cart
He said, 'Did I understand you right... Is the Captain a woman?'

'Yes,' said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My Goodness' said Ed , 'I'd better have two large scotch and sodas.
I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing sir,' said the attendant,

'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit.'

'It's now The Box Office.'

===============================================

clementine · 28th August 2008, 01:09 AM

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears
strange noises coming from the bedroom.

she rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed,
sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.
'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but
just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says,
'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no
clothes on!'
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs
into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door.

Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet
floor.

'You rotten 'Bitch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and
you're running around naked scaring the kids!!'

Steve Tipton · 28th August 2008, 11:39 PM

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

Steve Tipton · 28th August 2008, 11:40 PM

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R !
We missed the R !
We missed the R !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

"CELEBRATE !!!"

clementine · 29th August 2008, 08:38 AM

Irrefutable Laws for Men:

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’s car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach … and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

16: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man While lifting weights:

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting In line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24:The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.

29: We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

“GUTS” is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, “are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”

“BALLS” is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, “You’re next!

18th August 2008, 08:49 PM	#511
Steve Tipton Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 823	Re: It's just a Joke! She'd been taught, 'Housework is a woman's job,' but one evening Joan arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table was set. She was astonished!! It turned out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who worked full-time and then had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.' The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.' 'But what about afterward?' asked her friends. 'Oh, that ..., Ralph was too tired.' God is good __________________ Heightmaster

19th August 2008, 09:46 AM	#512
funarty Mature tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: townsville Q.L.D. Australia Posts: 315	Re: It's just a Joke! heheheh good one!

21st August 2008, 08:57 PM	#513
Done it Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Australia. Posts: 784	Re: It's just a Joke! A husband and wife are doing their grocery shopping. The man picks up a case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans," he says. "Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping... A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart. "Whoa, what do you think you're doing?" asks the man. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says. The man replies, "So does the beer, and it's HALF THE PRICE!"

21st August 2008, 09:05 PM	#514
Done it Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Australia. Posts: 784	Re: It's just a Joke! Just to be on the safe side, Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. 'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.' The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Good trade.'

21st August 2008, 10:41 PM	#515
Steve Tipton Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 823	Re: It's just a Joke! Coupla good one there Mate! __________________ Heightmaster

21st August 2008, 10:42 PM	#516
Steve Tipton Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 823	Re: It's just a Joke! LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN >> >> A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. >> 'I'd love to be eight again' she replied. >> >> On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of >> Coco Pops >> and jammy toasties! >> >> He took her to AltonTowersand put her on every ride in the park: >> * The Death Slide >> * The Wall of Fear >> * The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster >> >> Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. >> >> Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they >> went to >> a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra >> fries >> and a refreshing chocolate milkshake. >> >> Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic >> cartoon, a >> hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could! ! ! ! ! ! ! drink, her >> favourite >> lolly and M&Ms! >> >> >> What a fabulous adventure! >> >> Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed >> exhausted. >> He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked >> 'Well >> dear, what was it like being eight again?' >> >> Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total >> realisation...'I meant my dress size, you f***ing idiot !!!' >> >> >> __________________ Heightmaster

21st August 2008, 10:46 PM	#517
Steve Tipton Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 823	Re: It's just a Joke! Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick. "What happened to you," asked Hillary? "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."! "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary. The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it." __________________ Heightmaster

21st August 2008, 10:49 PM	#518
clementine Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Shropshire, UK Posts: 509	Re: It's just a Joke! __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

21st August 2008, 11:16 PM	#519
playfordtree Mature tree Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Behind Your Sister! Posts: 331	Re: It's just a Joke! Quinny & Done It Those were some funny gags lmao __________________ Euthanizing South Australian Trees since 2007

21st August 2008, 11:21 PM	#520
Done it Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Australia. Posts: 784	Re: It's just a Joke! A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A half carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A small head of romaine lettuce, A 2-pound can of coffee, And a 1-pound package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

22nd August 2008, 01:35 PM	#521
treerat Semi-mature vigorous tree Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Eastern Pa. Posts: 72	Re: It's just a Joke! The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur." Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven". Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle"?, Arthur said, " 'Yeah, that's me...' God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road"?? Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman??.." God said, "Ah, yes" Well, said Arthur, " professional to professional, you have some major flaws in your invention!" #1 There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension #2 It chatters constantly at high speeds #3 Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about to much #4 The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust #5 The maintance costs are outrageous!!!! "Hmmmmmm, you may have some good points there, "replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed, 'God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours".

22nd August 2008, 08:25 PM	#522
Steve Tipton Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 823	Re: It's just a Joke! There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?' A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have 11 such ships; how many does France have? ' You could have heard a pin drop. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, 'whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?' Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.' You could have heard a pin drop. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE... A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. 'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. 'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.' The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.' 'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!' The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. 'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to.' You could have heard a pin drop. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ __________________ Heightmaster

22nd August 2008, 09:03 PM	#523
Done it Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Australia. Posts: 784	Re: It's just a Joke! A Frenchwoman with a parrot on her shoulder walks into a bar. The Barman says "That’s a real ugly bird you got there. Where did you get it?” The Parrot says "I got it in France. There’s millions of’em there" Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, " says the genie. The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming. The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France. The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."

22nd August 2008, 09:08 PM	#524
phill ellison Mature tree Join Date: May 2008 Location: new zealand Posts: 450	Re: It's just a Joke! well done Quintrex and Done it, LOL

22nd August 2008, 09:42 PM	#525
Done it Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Australia. Posts: 784	Re: It's just a Joke! OK two more, A Frenchwoman walks into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The bartender says, "HEY! You can't bring that pig in here." The Frenchwoman says, "Excuse me...but that's a duck." The bartender says back, "Excuse ME, but I was talking to the duck." There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.'

22nd August 2008, 09:47 PM	#526
phill ellison Mature tree Join Date: May 2008 Location: new zealand Posts: 450	Re: It's just a Joke! you are a bad man LOL

24th August 2008, 06:42 AM	#527
clementine Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Shropshire, UK Posts: 509	Re: It's just a Joke! A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.' The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.' __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

24th August 2008, 06:35 PM	#528
Steve Tipton Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 823	Re: It's just a Joke! Japanese Scientists Have Created A Camera With A Shutter Speed So Fast, They Can Now Photograph A Woman With Her Mouth Shut. A Boy Asks His Granny, 'have You Seen My Pills, They Were Labelled Lsd?' Granny Replies, 'fk The Pills, Have You Seen The Dragons In The Kitchen?!' Little Billy Asks His Dad For A Telly In His Room. Dad Reluctactly Agrees.. Next Day Billy Comes Downstairs And Asks, 'dad, What's Love Juice?' Dad Looks Horrified And Tells Billy All About Sex. Billy Just Sat There With His Mouth Open In Amazement. Dad Says, 'so What Were You Watching?' Billy Says, ' Wimbledon !' A Woman Standing Nude In Front Of A Mirror, Says To Her Husband, 'i Look Horrible, I Feel Fat & Ugly, Pay Me A Compliment.' He Replies, 'your Eyesight Is Perfect!' Wife Gets Naked & Asks Hubby, 'what Turns You On More, My Pretty Face Or My Sexy Body?' Hubby Looks Her Up & Down And Replies, 'your F*in' Sense Of Humour!' __________________ Heightmaster

25th August 2008, 08:16 PM	#531
Done it Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Australia. Posts: 784	Re: It's just a Joke! I've been saving this one for you, NG. Diary Review: Moving South, 2007 May 30, 2007 : Just moved to Huntsville, Alabama from Chicago, Illinois. Now, this is a city that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a park while lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here. June 14, 2007 : Really heating up. Got to 100 degrees today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper. June 30, 2007: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. The yard is a breeze to maintain! No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love living in Huntsville. July 10, 2007 : The temperature hasn't been below 100 degrees all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy, but getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected. July 15, 2007: Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson, though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this. July 20, 2007: Morgan (our cat) sneaked into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson, though. No more pets in this heat. July 25, 2007: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer! And it's hot as hell! The home air-conditioner is on the fritz, and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order the parts. July 30, 2007: Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. The monthly house payment is $1,500 and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here? August 4, 2007: It's 105 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today for a cost of $900. The temperature gets down to 78 degrees, but this freaking humidity makes the house feel like it's about 95 degrees. I hate this stupid city. August 8, 2007: If another wise ass person cracks, "Hot enough for ya today?" I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat! August 9, 2007: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my ass was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat. August 10, 2007: The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for two damn months, and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing will be next, so I might as well watch $1,700 worth of cactus just dry up and blow into the damn pool. Not even cactus can live in this damn heat. August 14, 2007: Welcome to HELL!!! The temperature got to 105 degrees today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail. Freaking South. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?

26th August 2008, 12:20 AM	#533
Done it Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Australia. Posts: 784	Re: It's just a Joke! Why? Didn't you watch this show while you were there? glumbert - Laughter is contagious

26th August 2008, 05:09 AM	#534
newguy18 Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: orlando,fl Posts: 4,977	Re: It's just a Joke! Nope to busy running from mosquitoes and gnats. __________________ Have your say join us today. old schooler

26th August 2008, 06:18 AM	#535
treerat Semi-mature vigorous tree Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Eastern Pa. Posts: 72	Re: It's just a Joke! A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, " I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no Idea your father was a pharmacist."

27th August 2008, 05:37 PM	#536
bill24 Semi-mature vigorous tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Victoria, AUST. Posts: 148	Re: It's just a Joke! The Flight Crew ================================== The airliner pushed back from the gate and the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while Captain Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination.' Ed, sitting in the eighth row, thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right, Is the Captain a woman?' When the attendant came by with the drink cart He said, 'Did I understand you right... Is the Captain a woman?' 'Yes,' said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.' 'My Goodness' said Ed , 'I'd better have two large scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.' 'That's another thing sir,' said the attendant, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit.' 'It's now The Box Office.' ===============================================

28th August 2008, 01:09 AM	#537
clementine Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Shropshire, UK Posts: 509	Re: It's just a Joke! A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. she rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. 'What's up?' she asks. 'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!' The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. 'You rotten 'Bitch', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!' __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

28th August 2008, 11:39 PM	#538
Steve Tipton Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 823	Re: It's just a Joke! A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'? The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.' __________________ Heightmaster

28th August 2008, 11:40 PM	#539
Steve Tipton Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 823	Re: It's just a Joke! A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . . So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... "CELEBRATE !!!" __________________ Heightmaster

29th August 2008, 08:38 AM	#540
clementine Over mature heritage tree Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Shropshire, UK Posts: 509	Re: It's just a Joke! Irrefutable Laws for Men: 1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse. (c) After wrecking your boss’s car. (d) When she is using her teeth. 3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies. 4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. 6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice. 8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing. 10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend. 11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach … and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free. 12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts. 13: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked. 14: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 15: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything. 16: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. 17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy. 19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer. 20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response. 21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man While lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers! 22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting In line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 24:The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was. 25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. 26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. 27: The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of story. 28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever. 29: We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below: “GUTS” is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, “are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?” “BALLS” is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, “You’re next! __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode