It's just a Joke!

Daniel son in MIssouri

I could not stop cracking up with all the jokes, especially the one about 5 months not speaking with wife....http://www.treeworld.info/images/smilies/happy097.gif

awesome

Jeff Darby

This is worth a look, One pissed off pussy!

l wouldn't like to be the one that tossed this pussy in the water...If looks could kill!!

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© Jeffrey J Darby 2011

bill24

Bird killing b-------s, used to get $12.00 a skin in the late 70's, a by product of fox whistling/spotlighting.

In the S/E Aus. bush they go feral and play havoc with our native birds and small mammals like gliders, native rats.

Whistling foxs one day, had a fox to the right and feral cat to the left coming in, shot the fox first of course, worth $33, then the cat.

As well as making a few bucks I reckon it helped save a lot of Aus. little native creatures, foxes being introduced here by the POM's years ago.

Nice pic. of one unhappy MOGGY.

Off thread a bit here, sorry.

Daniel son in MIssouri

meatball joke was funny, so was the spaghetti spaghetti spaghetti....

funarty

Go Bill 24 It's good ol' Peter Garett is stopping those people bringing in the cats crossed with the African cat.Imagine what they would do to our wildlife!!!!

bill24

Yep FUNARTY, they would play merry hell here.

From what I caught in the media they are bigger than our domestic cats.

The possibility of them x breeding would happen eventually - someone somewhere would get careless.

A bigger predator would be able to take down a larger native animal and have a huge impact.

Pete got something right!

All the best & hope family well.

(Had our nearly 3 g/son o/night, great kid, enjoyed having him here.)

wulkowicz

Somewhere back in time, actually autumn of 1963, I was the art director of a little college magazine in the states called Aardvark. It was all cut and paste, no computers or Photoshop around, and getting the magazine out was a chore beyond belief.

I've included my first cartoon, which was printed in that issue for exactly what it was; the unrestrained dementia of youth.





I have since mellowed and matured; largely meaning swollen and lumpy, but I still have that wulkowiczian blend of nostalgia with a bewilderment about the future, so I updated the cartoon.

It's dedicated to everyone here with a short attention span...

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pomme

sorry for that. for some reason the pics did nt load DOH

clementine

Is that a bad case of piles ?????

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

wulkowicz

well, there you have it. I'm off laboring with the stupidities of resizing the pictures, and somebody slips in and then complains about what I haven't finished.

Perhaps I was a bit prophetic about short attention spans with the attendant impatience.

Did you have a clue that I might know the post needed pictures? Or was it an internal joke that you used avatars?

Signed



A still misunderstood artiste

pomme

just fast i guess lol

treerat

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide,holding a net, yelled,"Look at the size of that S-O-B!!!.
Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for! "No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is- a S-O-B fish!""Really? Well then, help me land this S-O-B!"
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster."Father, that's the biggest S-O-B I've ever seen" "I agree, it's a big S-O-B. What should I do with it?" "Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a S-O-B!" Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip." Take a look at this big SOB I caught!" Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!""It's OK Sister, that's what kind of fish it is, a SOB fish!"
"Oh well then, what are you going to do with that big SOB?" Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the SOB for dinner."I'll even clean the SOB", she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
"What are you doing Sister?" "Father wants me to clean this big SOB for the new Bishop's Dinner""Sister! I'll clean it if your're so upset! Please watch your language!" "No, no, no, it's called a SOB fish." "Really? Well, in that case,I'll fix up a great meal to go with it,and that SOB can be the main course!
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared and excellent meal.The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"
"I caught that SOB!''proclaimed the proud priest.
"And I cleaned that SOB!" exclaimed the Sister.
The Friar added, "And I prepared the SOB,using a special recipe!"
The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Abig smile crept across his face as he said, "You f-ers are my kind of people!!!"

Q.Q.

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,' You Can Be The Man Of Your House.'
He stormed into his wife in the kitchenand announced,"From now on you need to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law.
You will prepare me a gourmet dinner tonight,and when I am finished eating my meal you serve me up a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner,you are going upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex I want.
Afterwards,you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.You will wash my back and towl me dry and bring me my robe.
Then you will massage my feet and handsuntil I fall asleep.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair????.


The wife replied,The f..king funeral director would be my first guess!.

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Q,Q's Tree & Garden Maintenance

FAMILARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT

Therrin

You guys have obviously never seen a pissed off pussy! Getting it all wet and having it give you a mean look is one thing. Having it take potshots at you when you aren't looking is something entirely different!

Sumomosr

In thanks for the laughs thus far...


On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch, they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress:

'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us ?

Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?'





The girl leaned over and said, 'Burrr-Gurrr-King'

__________________
"Take it easy - But take it."
Woody Guthrie.

Eric Frei

Only a Aussie man can make you feel like a woman

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,'

She cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped...

Then, he spoke...


'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'

__________________

Jeff Darby

And throw another log on the fire
And cook me up some bacon and beans....LOL.

__________________

Member: Australian Tree Association

Join the Australian Tree Association...Have your voice heard !

Arboriculture, A life long study for some, a passing phase for others

© Jeffrey J Darby 2011

clementine

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'
'Well, in that case, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you', the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree'.
'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You can come with us also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!'
'Bring them along too,' the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

'No problem at all.' Said the lawyer, 'You'll really love it at my place; the grass is really long and green there!'

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

bill24

Great form men, gotta have a blonde joke too!
======================================================

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some re--um deodorant. (letters deleted for the sake of propriety)

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell r-ct-m deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

'I'm sorry', says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any!'

'But I always buy it here,' says the blonde.

'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.

'YES', said the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it.'

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, 'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant'

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container .................................












'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.'

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Q.Q.

One for the blokes only


Question;How many different animals can you fit into a pair of womans tights?

Well there's Two Calfs,One P...y,One B..ver,One Ass, a heap of Hares and a dead f.sh no-one can seem to find.

__________________

Q,Q's Tree & Garden Maintenance

FAMILARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT

funarty

Disgusting!!!! What do you call that useless bit of skin on the end of a dick........







A man!!

bill24

We had that coming FUNARTY..........sorry.

Therrin

Well for those of you who don't know yet.

Scientists have discovered a type of food which actually reduces the sex drive in women by up to 99% (100%, in some figures)

When this food is eaten, women lose their interest in sex almost entirely!
Guess what it is?
















Wedding Cake!

funarty

I reckon! Who in their right mind would get married!!An' don't be sorry you should hear what I say about men in general!!

bill24

What can I say except, you are probably right................e.g.

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty
thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you
don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.'

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES,
YES, I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb founded

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'*
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'



MORAL OF THE STORY_**

Not all Irish are stupid; not all blondes are dumb; but all men are men.*

funarty

So true!!

kieren

I cant remember the last time i laughed so hard i ages

funarty

Meaty bites diet

I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was
standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet
again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward
with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete
so
I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd
been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.


I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid ....why else would I buy dog food??

clementine

A woman walked into a sex shop and spotted a Dildo that said,

"This is the MAGIC DILDO",
"It will satisfy all your needs!"
"Voice activation, does what you tell it to!"
Only $99!!!!

Well, wow she thought, a bit expensive but if it does what it says, a bargain.

She got the Magic DILDO home, stripped off and lay on the bed with the Magic Dildo beside her.

"MAGIC DILDO my F'nny!" she commanded.

The Magic Dildo jumped up and dived into her F'nny and began to pump away until, completely satisfied, she could take no more and commanded:
"Magic Dildo STOP!"

The Dildo continued to pump away and she began to panic.

She again commanded: "Magic Dildo STOP!"

Still it would not stop. She tried to pull it out but couldn't.
She jumped out of bed and ran downstairs and into the street, screaming:
"Help me, please Help me!"

A policeman saw she was in distress and ran over to ask what the problem was.
She told him:" I bought this MAGIC DILDO, it does everything you tell it, but now it won't stop!"

The policeman looked at her in disbelief, "MAGIC DILDO my ARSE", he said .

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Steve Tipton

PRICELESS!

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your
spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to
relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in
20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new
suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60
years!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new
shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe
was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' ' Been in the business 60
years.' Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about
some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The
salesman said, 'Let's see...size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell
of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second opinion - PRICELESS

__________________
Heightmaster