It's just a Joke!

clementine

So, did y' stay or what?

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

treevet

Can't kiss and tell

logmauler

I was such a smartass when I was a kid...

I walked home from elementary school after a rough day. On my way up the long gravel driveway, a chicken ran out in front of me so I kicked it. I grumbled and walked along. Further up the driveway, the old pig waddled in front of me. I kicked it hard and walked along. When I got up to the old house, my mother had the stern look she always seemed to have.

"I saw you kick that chicken, boy. You're not getting any eggs for a week," she said firmly.

"I don't care, Mom," I replied.

"I saw you kick that pig, boy. You're not getting and bacon for a week," she said.

"I really don't care, Mom," I grumbled.

Just about that time, my dad got home from work. By his walk, you could tell he had a rough day. Our old cat ran out in front of him, and he gave it a sharp kick as he came up the driveway.

"Hey Mom," I said with a smile, "Can I tell dad what he's not getting for a week?"

Steve Tipton

Teacher Arrested
NEW YORK - A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. 'Al-gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.'
They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.'
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President

__________________
Heightmaster

Eric Frei

__________________

Therrin

Ahahahaha, that was hillarious.... the look on that lady's face!

treerat

I got that one this morning and was waiting to post it tonight but you beat me to it. If I did that to my wife I don't think I would make it across the street she can shoot perdy good. That's some funny stuff.

My good bud sent this to me.....
Why can't you play UNO with mexicans
because they keep stealing the f-ing green cards.

treerat

I knew they would finally release the ingredients in viagra:
3% vitamin E
2% aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% vitamin C
5% spray starch
87% fix-a-flat

StrictlyPalms

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better,
even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit
Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can
is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my
desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
The Coke is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water
the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and
suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I
decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the
flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but also spill some on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter the flowers don't have
enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find
the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did
with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the
hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

__________________
Strictly Palms, Inc.
Orlando, Florida USA

treevet

Used to get that way when I smoked weed. Quit about 20 years ago and now I have another excuse (your mentioned disorder). Thanks

Likely filled up quota of cranial capacity. Maybe killed a few too many brain cells earlier on. Sure was a lot of fun in the process. (if I could remember it)

Eric Frei

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.

__________________

Steve Tipton

__________________
Heightmaster

treevet

that s hard (no pun intended) on the imagination!

treerat

A Minnesota senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertiable out of a Detroit Lakes dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 MPH, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. ' Amazing,' he thought as he flew up highway 59 towards Mahnomen pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a State Patrol car behind him, blue and red lights flashing. He floored it to 100mph, then 110, the 120.
Suddenly he thought,"What am I doing?I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go"
The old gentleman paused, then said,"Years ago, my wife ran off with a MInnesota State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

'' Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper

Eric Frei

Good one!

A man and his wife were sitting in the lounge room and he said to her - "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug".

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all his beer.

__________________

clementine

This story apparently occurred on Auckland radio. One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.

Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ?

Brian: Yeah, sure.

Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock thismorning.

Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian ? Brian: Orrrrr ... about 10 minutes.

Presenter: 10 minutes ? Good one. And where did you do it mate ?

Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.

Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian !

Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.

Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?

Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ? Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.

Sharelle: Hi Brian.

Brian: Hi Sharelle.

Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.

Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.

Sharelle: O.K.

Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?

Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.

Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.

Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle ?

Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it ?

Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.

Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.

Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway .. just tell em.

Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the a*se !

Radio Silence

Advert

Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

bill24

Needless to say, Brian & Sharelle moved to Aus.

They do not have a telephone here!.

LOL..............

Eric Frei

Seven Kinds Of Sex ....

The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.

This kind of sex happens when you first meet
someone and you both have sex until you are
blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for
a short time and you are so needy you will have
sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a
long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for too
long. When you pass each other in the hallway you
both say ... 'F**k You.'

The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.

Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the
afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.

This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he
takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And . Last ... But not least ....

The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.

You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.

__________________

StrictlyPalms

Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror
as her ball headed directly toward
a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man,
and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help.
I'm a Physical Therapist and
I know I could relieve your pain
if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right.
I'll be fine in a few minutes,'
the man replied.
He was in obvious agony,
lying in the fetal position,
still clasping his hands together
at his groin.

At her persistence, however,
he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his
hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great,
but I think my thumb's still broken

__________________
Strictly Palms, Inc.
Orlando, Florida USA

treerat

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders beer.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter,"Hey , you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke , sir, I think it's only fair, given that you're blind, that you should know five things:

1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2) The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3)I'm a 6 foot tall, 175lbs blonde woman with a black belt in karate
4)The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter
5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke??

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

treevet

funarty

one for the girls

Attached Images

7 dwafs.bmp (223.8 KB, 121 views)

bill24

Good one FUNARTY, here's another:

The phone rings and the lady of the house
answers,

'Hello'.

'Mrs. Ward, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are
now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's,
and The other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which
your husband's is.'

'That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?' questioned Mrs.
Ward.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband
off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home,
don't sleep with him.

===================================================

treevet

A scientifically based yukker!

bill24

TREEVET.......

new message for an answering machine:-

"If your message is about marijuana, please press hash".

treevet

Uh oh, now you re bringing back distorted memories. I got to get to work. Where s my wallet, cell phone, keys (and what the hell are we doing today anyway?)???????

treevet

If you started reminiscing about an old girlfriend who happened to have one breast higher than the other, would you be having distorted memories or distorted mammories? I m confused.....let's roll another fattie.

newguy18

okay just a quickie,
how do you know you've found a good chinese restraunt?

They put cat paws inside the fortune cookies.

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

funarty

He he Good one!

Attached Thumbnails

 

treerat

For sevral years, a man was having an affair with and Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey, she said, you received a very strang post card today"
Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later, he said. The wife did and watched as her husband read the card, turned white , and fainted.

On the card was written:
Spaghetti,Spaghetti,Spaghetti,Spaghetti,Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs,Two without
Send extra sauce