It's just a Joke!

newguy18

,wonder if they'll find him?

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old schooler

Steve Tipton

Coupla good one there guys.
Glad to see you back Clemmy!

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Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

Hi have you read this before?

Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a
string and put stairs under it.
Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards
the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with
cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same
result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water. This continues
through several more attempts. Pretty soon, when another ape tries to
climb the stairs, the other apes all try to prevent it. Now, turn off
the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new
one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his
horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and
attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be
assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five apes and repace
it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.
The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiam.
Again, replace the third original ape with a new one. The new one makes
it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that
beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs,
or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape. After
replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have
been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape
ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? Because that's the way
they've always done it and that's the way it's always been around here.

And that's how company policy begins.....


Interesting isn't it?
Any apes at you place?

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Heightmaster

clementine

Sounds just like basic training in the forces....

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Eric Frei

I thought it sounded like religion frankly!

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treevet

Or "committee"

kiwi_tree_steve

or "Managers meeting"

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"You have to feel and touch a tree" Shigo

Therrin

It sounded like a great way of controlling illegal immigrants to me..... <shrugs>

clementine

A stranger was sat next to a little girl on a flight to Sydney...

A while after taking off, the stranger turned to the little girl and said,

"Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,
"What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" and he smiles.

"OK", she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces big clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says,
"Hmmm, I have absolutely no idea."

To which the little girl replies,

"Are you quite sure you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power then, when you don't know shit?"

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Steve Tipton

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two
people, Cindy or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were
both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used
the water cooler the next morning.

Cindy came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after
partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss
approached her and said:
'Cindy, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'

'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like shit.'

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Heightmaster

clementine

Lmbo at that one Quintrex!

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

clementine

Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first nun if she has ever sinned.

"Well, once I looked at a man`s penis," she said.
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her.

Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned.
"Well, once I held a man`s penis," she replied.
"Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," said Peter.

Just then the fourth nun pushed the third nun out of the way and walked forward. Peter asked her ,
"Why did you push ahead of your sister?"

The nun answered, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Steve Tipton

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Heightmaster

Therrin

Oh you guys are bad.....

newguy18

they're aussies Ken,but man are they funny.

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old schooler

Steve Tipton

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him 80 dollars a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 dollars a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

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Heightmaster

treevet

Good one Quint ......

Two rednecks, Duane and Larry, are sitting at their favorite bar drinking beer. Duane turns to Larry and says, "you know , I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes." Dave thinks it is a good idea and the two leave. The next day, Duane goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes, Math, English, History and Logic. "logic? Duane says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That"s true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"Yes, I have a family".

"I'm not done yet.. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing. You were able to find out all that because I have a weed eater." Excited to take the class now, Duane shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go to meet Larry at the bar. He tells Larry about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic? Larry says, "What's that?"

Duane says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."

newguy18

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old schooler

phill ellison

WHOS GUILTY? wife dreaming in the middle of the night suddenly shouts "Quick my husbands back", man gets up jumps out the window and realizes "damn i am the husband".

newguy18

Good one Phil.

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old schooler

clementine

I still like this old chestnut:

Three nuns in a church on a very hot day decide to remove their robes because of the intense heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day.
So, about an hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over the pews clear across the chapel.

The three nuns call out;
"Who is it?"

A voice replies;
"It's the blind man!"

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says;

"Nice boobs! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

clementine

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so
fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

No s...!

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Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

clementine

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized
that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling with the sheep.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.
That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual, with his two animal friends.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again..
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned
over to Hillary and told her;
"Ya know, I haven't had sex for months".
Hillary batted her eyelashes and said;
"Well, if there is anything I can do for you, just ask!"

"Well, he said,"




"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

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Eric Frei

LOL, very good!

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newguy18

would you mind walking the dog.I love it.

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old schooler

Steve Tipton

What if……








Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."



Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."



Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"



Hardy: "Sorry sir?"



Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"



Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."



Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."



Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."



Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."



Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."



Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ........... full speed ahead."



Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."



Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."



Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."



Nelson: "What?"



Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."



Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."



Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."



Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."



Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."



Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."



Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."



Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."



Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"



Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."



Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."



Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"



Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."



Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"



Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."



Nelson: "We're not?"



Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."



Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."



Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."



Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."



Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"



Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"



Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."



Nelson: "What about sodomy?"



Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."



Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."

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Heightmaster

Steve Tipton

Heaven or Hell ??





An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with
the conversation.


Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go there,'says St. Peter.
'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes
for that.'

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Heightmaster

phill ellison

LOL very good mate

kiwi_tree_steve

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"You have to feel and touch a tree" Shigo

newguy18

thats bad.

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old schooler