It's just a Joke!

Fairfield

police v.s fireman
MySpaceTV Videos: policeman vs fireman by +~JB~+

__________________
Hi yes you know me I am B.A.M.F nice to meet you

clementine

There was a daddy mole, a mammy mole, and a baby mole. They all lived in a hole out in the country in a large garden.
Daddy mole stuck his head out of the hole one morning and said,
"Mmmm, I can smell bacon cooking!"
Mammy mole stuck her head outside the hole and said,
"Mmmm, I also smell sausages cooking!"
Baby mole tried frantically to stick his head outside the hole but he couldn't because Mammy and Daddy mole were blocking it.
Baby mole said,

"The only thing I can smell is molasses."

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

treevet

Whooooooooooooooooooahhhhhhhhhh (Al Pacino)

newguy18

The Final Question

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the
final plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000.

If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000
milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.

It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its
own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:

A) the condor

B) the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used
Up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that
Remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not
Have to use it because ... Her friend was, well--blonde.

But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the
Question and the four choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C:
The cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith
Any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And
considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the
logical thing to do.

But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude,
that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

"I need an answer," said Meredith.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?"

"Yes, that is my final answer."

And Meredith replied, "That answer is. Absolutely correct! You are
now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and
friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million
dollars.

"Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.

"How did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde... "Everybody knows that cuckoos
don't build nests. They live in clocks."

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

treevet

blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah

blah blah blahblah

Blahahahahahahahaha

treevet

sorry, always wanted to do that.

newguy18

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

treevet

Your hubby got a hummer .........

newguy18

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

newguy18

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely
going to $h!t yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful,
which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day
both of your ***** cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of
coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's
Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my
intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning
symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I
bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often
haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and
began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was
at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the
wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a
mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,
forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one
step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it
happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped i n a
noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was
afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly,
oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I
began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned
into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction
would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she
walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different
directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at
least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked
into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible
that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand
there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward
off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me
laugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down',
if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth
from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a
few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the
store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through
the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying
that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the
inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my *** is
burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle
of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and
disgustedly said, 'Sonofagun!', then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me
and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears
some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to
run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of
the problem.'

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The
employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose
and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off
returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted
from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to
shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court
over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the
store..

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

newguy18

Cat Lover or Not, this is hysterical!


We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.


Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second." So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region...

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter ..... and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
__________________
............................................

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

pomme

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio



1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator:
"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"


2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator:
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."


3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."


4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977:
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."


5. US PGA Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold> > Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??"


6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."


7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!


8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."


9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."


10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."


11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."


12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.

newguy18

Good one pomme.

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

newguy18

Anti Monkey Butt Powder

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

Therrin

This thread should be renamed, "It's just a dirty Joke!"

It's like the cesspit of treeworld.

Eric Frei

LOL, every tree business needs a few cans of that in their toolbox! Some protection for when you bust ya ass!

What does Anti Monkey Butt Powder do?

__________________

clementine

At a high class, private girls school in London there was trouble brewing.
A number of 12-year-old girls had begun to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the Mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints and giggling away at their handywork.
Every night the maintenance man would find the marks and clean them off, but the next day the girls would put them back whilst giggling away.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all
the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained to the girls that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the Maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.
(the girls were sniggering away as it was so funny)

So, to demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it.
The sniggering stopped and some girls were sick.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

clementine

I ventured to the Patent Office the other day trying to register some of my inventions.

I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.
She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have?" She said.

"A folding carton."

"And what do you call that?" She siad

"A Farton."

She giggled and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of rude."

"Rude!" I says, "Wait till I tell you about my folding bucket!"

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Eric Frei

LOL, folding ????et!

__________________

pomme

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked, but managed to compose himself and walk into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting. "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

O'Malley told his friends they were drinking to his impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.

After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I'm gone

pomme

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."

Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash.

Dad asked, "Where is Susie?"

The little girl said, "She will be here in a minute, she ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."

newguy18

classic.

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

Steve Tipton

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a

local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right"

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake

once a week to play."

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and

keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: "The sheep's a liar"

__________________
Heightmaster

Eric Frei

Dang them Kiwi's and what they do to their sheep!

__________________

newguy18

The sheeps a liar.

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

clementine

A young woman is in hospital in a coma. The nurses are in her private ward giving her a sponge bath.
One of the nurses is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she touches her around that bodily area.
The Doctor approaches her husband and explains to him what has happened, telling him:
"Strange as this my sound, maybe a little oral sex would help to bring her out of her coma."

The husband is very skeptical, but the Doctor assures him that they will close the curtains around him and his wife for privacy, and that after so long in a coma, anyting is worth a try. The husband finally agrees and goes into his wife`s private ward, and pulls the curtains around himself and his wife.

All is quite for a few minutes, then the heart monitor alarm goes off and shows flat lines....no pulse......no heart rate.

The nurses who were standing outside the room run in.
The husband is standing by the bed, pulling up his pants and says.........

"I think she's choked."

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Therrin

OMG!!!! CLEMENTINE!!!!

Jeff Darby

LOL...So it didn't work?..LOL..I bet he tried hard to revive her...

__________________

Member: Australian Tree Association

Join the Australian Tree Association...Have your voice heard !

Arboriculture, A life long study for some, a passing phase for others

© Jeffrey J Darby 2011

newguy18

thats bad clemmy.

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

Therrin

Attached Thumbnails