It's just a Joke!

Eric Frei

LOL ....

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newguy18

good one lopa.

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DBS

HAHAHAHA

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Jeff Darby

LOL... made me laught, It sounds like a typical biarch slap..claws retracted and a smile on her face!

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Arboriculture, A life long study for some, a passing phase for others

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Steve Tipton

Ha ha ha!
Top one Jason.

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Heightmaster

newguy18

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Sean Freeman

Big Deck is an absolute classic I love reciting those lines to others at inoppertune moments!

clementine

First time I've heard of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour but by 'eck that Big Deck were funny:

Spotted this, I liked this one:

A cheating husband left this letter for his wife.

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife, however, after reading this letter I hope you will not
wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my
18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset,
I shall be back before midnight.

When the man came home late that night he found a reply to his letter
on the dining room table, it read:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54
years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are
also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel
Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis
coach. He is young, virile and like your secretary, he is 18 years old.
You being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of maths will understand that we are in the same situation, although with
one small difference;
18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow morning.

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Jeff Darby

Ouch!

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newguy18

Good one clemmy.

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newguy18

i got a laugh out of it.

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pomme

don t send the mrs to the garage

Therrin

Oh my gosh! That's just wrong!

Sadly my mom's alot like that. I'm pretty sure I was born on accident.

newguy18

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clementine

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had been caught after breaking into his house the night before.
"You will get your chance in court," said the desk Seargent.
"No, no, no!" insisted the man.
"I want to know how he got into our house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

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newguy18

You Might Be Taliban if.....

1.You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2.You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't
afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your
clothing.

8. You've felt the urge to "rub one off" after seeing a woman's exposed ankle.

9. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting
off roadside bombs.

10. You've even uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."

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newguy18

WAL-MART INTERVIEW

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearingthe previous three nswers, it's obvious to me th at the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s^*t my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!..

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newguy18

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his D ell no tebook co mputer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg ,Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL databa se thr ough an OD BC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minu tes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on in amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct, " says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.. .

Now give me back my dog.


Sounds like a fair trade to me!!!!!

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newguy18

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old schooler

Done it

Strange sense of humor over there, but seeing you started it: Asian woodchopping. A or 2 makes it a bit better.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7267862350878492248&pr=goog-sl

clementine

Bill!

I went to the Doctors today, I sais "Doctor, I've got a steering wheel stuck in my underpants"
He sais "how the hell did you manage to get a steering wheel stuck down there?"
I sais "I don't remember but it's driving m' nuts!"

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treevet

.......Another undershorts gag....God sees Eve washing her underpants in the river and says....

How will we ever get that odor out of the fish?

Therrin

Wah

Wahhhh

Wahhhhhhhh......

Eric Frei

Man those Jap ones were funny!

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clementine

The Tax Man

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:
"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question", noted the Rabbi. " We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles".

"Oh" replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits".

"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi !" he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Ahh, Here too, we do not waste anything", answered the Rabbi.

"What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, then, about once a year around about now, they send us a complete prick!!!"

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newguy18

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DBS

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police man's credibility...

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

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clementine

I was talking to me mate the other day, I sais:

"I bought five tickets the other day"

He sais:

"What for?"

I sais, "No! Five!".


Sorry guys & dolls

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newguy18

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

The Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

The Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

The Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

The Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

The Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

The Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

The Law of the Bath

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

The Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

The Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

The Law of Biomechanics

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

The Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

The Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

The Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

the Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

The Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

The Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

The Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

The Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

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newguy18

The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.

A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at New Orleans . It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division

Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu , is presently asking the Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number, what does it mean?

A. Well, if you are one of 484, 674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you each get $516, 528.

B.. Or if you have one of the 188, 251 homes in New Orleans, your home gets $1, 329, 787.

C. Or if you are a family of four, your family gets $2, 066, 012.

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