It's just a Joke!

Therrin

Marijuana Filled Firewood
------------------------

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin'marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!" (Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).

clementine

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his bald head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem and ask for help.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover
your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasises his disability,
so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
sorry about the previous parcel, we had no wish to offend you. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is fuming with rage now, because the company has gone
from emphasising his wooden leg, to drawing attention to his bald head.
So he writes a strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a
very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you stop whingeing, pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple!

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Jeff Darby

Where do you find these?
Keep them coming I lost it!

__________________

Member: Australian Tree Association

Join the Australian Tree Association...Have your voice heard !

Arboriculture, A life long study for some, a passing phase for others

© Jeffrey J Darby 2011

Steve Tipton

Some tips for the over '50s

1. Never pass a toilet.

2. Never trust a fart.

3. never waste an erection.

__________________
Heightmaster

Therrin

Ace Master

Fishing trip
A man going on a weekend fishing trip was having his wife pack for him,he said oh be sure to pack my pyjamas. when he returned back from the weekend trip his wife asked ''how was the fishing'' he said ''lt was great'' but you forgot one thing, you didn't pack my pyjamas like i asked you.''Smiling,she replied ''oh yes i did,they were in your tackle box.

__________________
Website: The Mt Dandenong Ranges Tree Specialists

YouTube: Ace Tree Master

clementine

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People because:

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station toilet because the one your at is filthy.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about trucks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

You don't need underwear.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes or face.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress £5000. Suit rental-£100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

No wonder men are happier.

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Steve Tipton

Ha ah.
Love it!

__________________
Heightmaster

Ace Master

A bloke is having breakfast when his wife comes down mad as hell,why are you so cranky and she says,i found a piece of paper with the name of ''Bouncing Betty on it ,he says Honey that was a horse tip from last week and she calms down somewhat. Next morning she is really pissed off and starts slapping him. He asks what the hell got you so mad this time.She says ''that horse just called looking for you''.

__________________
Website: The Mt Dandenong Ranges Tree Specialists

YouTube: Ace Tree Master

Therrin

Hope I'm not stepping on any toes here.

This is a REDNECK MANSION... for those of you who've never seen one

Eric Frei

Hey Therrin, is that little one in the middle on the right the one you're in?

__________________

Ace Master

Took these pic of some dum ass paintersHave a look at the spikes on top of the fence What about the scissorliftThey just look at me with a dum face when i said you blokes could fall down and hurt yourself.

Attached Thumbnails

   

__________________
Website: The Mt Dandenong Ranges Tree Specialists

YouTube: Ace Tree Master

playfordtree

That's painters for ya.

They're not the sharpest tools in the box!
(must be all those paint fumes)


I've known a few painters in me time and they're usually always old poms who like a drink and a bet.
good blokes really.( just dumb as a box of hammers)

__________________
Euthanizing South Australian Trees
since 2007

Eric Frei

Why wouldn't the dude just go up in the scissor lift?

Talk about shish kabobbed if ya fell.

You know when the pommy painter has done ya house, full of wallpaper!

__________________

Therrin

Heh...no Ekka, mine's a good 4 whole feet longer!!!

Getting in a 32 footer on monday though. Just finished doing some work in trade for it. Now I've got two! I could start my own trailer park!

TreeDimensional

Hey Therrin, did you get the optional red-neck with the second one?

newguy18

I'm still in florida td.

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

clementine

Two cowboys talking about sex. One cowboy says,

"I like the rodeo position best!"

"I haven't heard of that one." says the other, "what is it?"

"Well, you get your girlfriend down on all fours and "get behind her" right, then reach around and cup each of her breasts in your hands, then whisper..... These feel just like your sisters."


Then try to hold on for 8 seconds!"

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

bill24

Clemetine,

That cowboy joke is a ripper & now circulating eastern Aust., thanks......

l liked this one, (must be my advancing age..........)?

======================================================

TWO OLD MEN DECIDED THAT THEY WERE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS, AND THEY WANT TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL

THE MADAM TOOK ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERED TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN
INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT
WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

THE MANAGER DID AS HE WAS TOLD, AND THE TWO OLD MEN WENT UPSTAIRS AND TOOK CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY WERE WALKING HOME, THE FIRST MAN SAID, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!
DEAD?' ASKED HIS FRIEND. 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.

HIS FRIEND SAID, ' THINGS COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE . I THINK MINE WAS A
WITCH.'

'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE
HER A LITTLE BITE. THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... AND
TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'

============================================

Regards to all,

Bill24.

Sean Freeman

Maybe its just me but that joke almost made me wet myself! she's a witch!!!....

clementine

My wife said " I want one of these installed right now!"



And she held the spanner for me!

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

playfordtree

My mate Steve went out to a nightclub recently, he is single and was hoping he could pick up a hot chick.

After several hours, and several beers he headed home empty handed.
(poor bugger has no luck with women)

Anyway, on his way home he had to walk across a farmers paddock, the paddock just happened to be full of ripe pumpkins.
He tells me that he doesn't know if it was the beer, or the way the moonlight was shining on those pumpkins, but he decided he needed a bit of "relief".

So he whips out his trusty Swiss Army knife and cuts a nice hole in one of the pumpkins.
You can just picture him standing there, pants down around his ankles, belly full of beer, and making sweet,sweet pumpkin loooove!

Suddenly from behind he is illuminated by a bright light, then a booming voice calls out "This is the Police, what the hell are you doing there mate?"

He turns around, looks down at the pumpkin impaled on his manhood and says, "Aw sh*t, is it midnight already"

__________________
Euthanizing South Australian Trees
since 2007

clementine

A man buys a few sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he tells his wife he is off to tend the sheep and loads them into his truck, he drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't make any pregnant, and loads them in the truck again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls absolutely knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

newguy18

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2008

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
die.

Number 8 (for the wife)
Men have two emotions:
Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a
sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to
use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ... Not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to Criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax
cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought For 2008 :
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among
millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to
where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe
we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration.

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

newguy18

A Washington, D.C. airport ticket agent offers some

examples of why our country is in trouble !



1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an

aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by

being near the window. (On an airplane!)



2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted

to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of

the flight and the passport information, then she

interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look

stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."

Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly

explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown

is in Africa. "Her response - click



3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about

a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with

the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an

ocean-view room. I tried to expl ain that's not

possible,

since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and

Florida is a very thin state!" (OMG)



4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it

possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No."

She said, "But they look so close on the map."

(OMG, again!)



5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked

if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up

the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in

Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said,

"I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a

car to drive between gates to save time." (Aghhhh)



6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She

needed to know how it was possible that her flight

from Detroit left at 8:30 AM got to Chicago at 8:33 AM.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahea d of Illinois,

but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.

Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she

bought that.



7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines

put your physical description on your bag so they know

whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?"

She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline,

they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm

overweight. I think that's very rude!"

After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked

into it (I was laughing). I came back and explained the city

code for Fresno, CA is ( FAT - Fresno Air Terminal),

and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her

luggage.



8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip

package

to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked,

"Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take

the train to Hawaii?" < BR>

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman

who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?"

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied,

"I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these

planes have numbers on them."



10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to

Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those

little computer planes?"

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter

plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"



11. A senior Senator called and had a question about

the documents he needed in order to fly to China.

After

a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him

that he needed a visa.

"Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and

never had to have one of those." I double checked

and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told

him this he said, "Look, I've bee n to China four times

and every time they have accepted my American

Express!"



12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make

reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York."

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure

that's the name of the town?"

"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady.

After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry,

ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the

country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.

"The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone

knows where it is. Check your map!"

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and

finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"

The reply! "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."



Now you know why the Government is in the shape

__________________
Have your say join us today.


old schooler

Therrin

It all makes sense now! Where's the PROZAC!!??



Playford, Clemmy and NG, those were some good ones... especially the sheep one. I had to read it twice.

TreeDimensional

The Waiting Room

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.


There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.


An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, "Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?"


"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.


The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."


"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.


The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."


The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."


The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.


The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"


"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"


"I can't piss out of it," he replied.


The waiting room erupted in laughter.


Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

clementine

Ha Ha! Tops!

__________________
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons - for you are crunchy and taste of chicken!

Jeff Darby

Funny Stuff, TD, LOL..

__________________

Member: Australian Tree Association

Join the Australian Tree Association...Have your voice heard !

Arboriculture, A life long study for some, a passing phase for others

© Jeffrey J Darby 2011

Drouin Tree Service

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

' Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?'

'We're taking Continental,' was the reply. 'We got a great rate!'

'Continental?' exclaimed the hairdresser. ' That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?'

'We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste.'

'Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a

Dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly,and they're overpriced.

So, whatcha' doing when you get there?'

'We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.'

'That's rich,' laughed the hairdresser. 'You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.'

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

'It was wonderful,' explained the woman, 'not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!'

'Well,' muttered the hairdresser, 'that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.'

'Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.'

'Oh, really! What'd he say ?



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He said: 'Where'd you get the shitty Hairdo?'

__________________

Drouin Tree Services | Excavator Hire - Drouin and SE Gippsland | Landclearing Melbourne