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22nd August 2008, 10:38 AM
| #1 |
| Semi-mature vigorous tree  Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Mudgeeraba, SE Queensland
Posts: 80
|  Attention All Americans!!
>> To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty >> Queen Elizabeth II >> >> >> >> >> In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates >> for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give >> notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. >> >> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over >> all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does >> not fancy). >> >> Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America >> without the need for further elections. >> >> Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. >> >> A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you >> noticed. >> >> To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules >> are introduced with immediate effect: >> >> (You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.) >> >> >> >> >> >> 1. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will >> be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. >> >> >> >> ----------------------- >> >> >> >> 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "colour", "favour", >> "labour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" >> without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced >> by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your >> vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary"). >> >> >> >> ------------------------ >> >> >> >> 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as >> "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of >> communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft >> know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take >> into account the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of -ize. >> >> >> >> ------------------- >> >> >> >> 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. >> >> >> >> ----------------- >> >> >> >> 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or >> therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that >> you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for >> shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or >> speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse. >> >> >> >> ---------------------- >> >> >> >> 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more >> dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if >> you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. >> >> >> >> ---------------------- >> >> >> >> 7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start >> driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will >> go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion >> tables. >> >> >> >> >> Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense >> of humour. >> >> >> >> -------------------- >> >> >> >> 8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been >> calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. >> >> >> >> ------------------- >> >> >> >> 9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are >> not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are >> properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and >> dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. >> >> >> >> ------------------- >> >> >> >> 10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer >> at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, >> and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as >> Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound >> the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. >> They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. >> American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all >> can be sold without risk of further confusion. >> >> >> >> --------------------- >> >> >> >> 11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good >> guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play >> English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in >> >> Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears >> removed with a cheese grater. >> >> >> >> --------------------- >> >> >> >> 12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of >> proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in >> time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American >> football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or >> wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby - >> the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us. >> >> >> >> --------------------- >> >> >> >> 13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an >> event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of >> America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your >> borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will >> let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their >> deliveries. >> >> >> >> ------------------- >> >> >> >> 14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. >> >> >> >> ----------------- >> >> >> >> 15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's >> Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies >> due (backdated to 1776). >> >> >> >> --------------- >> >> >> >> 16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, >> and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus >> strawberries (with cream) when in season. >> >> >> >> >> God Save the Queen! >> >> >> >> >> PS: >> >> Go ahead and share this with your friends in the USA (those with a good >> sense of humour and NOT humor.) Dave  |
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22nd August 2008, 10:51 AM
| #2 |
| Part of the Furniture  Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: orlando,fl
Posts: 4,977
| Re: Attention All Americans!!
Dang pome. 
__________________  Have your say join us today. old schooler |
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22nd August 2008, 12:20 PM
| #3 |
| Moderator  Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Climbing around the world
Posts: 855
| Re: Attention All Americans!!
LMFAO. I'm lovin it'  Paragraph 2 is my favourite  Not a pom, but close enough 
__________________ We are what we repeatedly do... Excellence then, is not an act, but HABIT... Red : Green : Blue |
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22nd August 2008, 11:45 PM
| #4 |
| Former Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Bakersfield, Ca
Posts: 2,512
| Re: Attention All Americans!!
Hmm.... I was getting a little pissed off reading that load of horseshit. Then I saw JohnD's picture and started laughing my ass off. I gotta admit. You can either read an entire page of print, or look at one picture, and the effect is roughly the same. Way to go JohnD!!! As for actually emplacing the statutes listed initially. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, the reason you CANT enforce them is because we still have our guns, because our entire populace would never agree to a mass sellout, effectively turning themselves into pussies. In a society where guns are illegal, only cops and criminals have them. That still leaves the common citizen in the shyter as cops are never around when you need them. And criminals just dont care.  |
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23rd August 2008, 03:09 AM
| #5 |
| Semi-mature vigorous tree  Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Orlando, Florida USA
Posts: 177
| Re: Attention All Americans!!
A rebuttal: 1) As for language, you guys started the English, we completed it. Our version is more efficient and uses less ink. So, in a way we're conservationists. 2) Like, and You know, are our versions of Thee and Thou, and who finishes a sentence with "what". 3) Can we just use the Guns on the Lawyers and Therapists? 3a) If this is unacceptable we'd be happy to bury them all in a New Jersey Landfill 3b) If this is still not satisfactory can we send them all to fill parliament? 4) Speaking of government. Ours makes some horrible decisions, self centered, ill conceived, and self destructive. But at least they don't sit in bleachers yelling at each other, while Tony Blair sits smiling in the middle and shows the entire country what a dentist can do. 5) English sense of humor? Must be kept in the same place as all your dentists.  6) Don't worry about fuel (proper term) prices, we're on our way to your pricing. 7) I will concede a point on Beer. Your version is wonderful and thick enough to chew. I'm guessing it will be replacing the food astronauts take to space. I did some empirical testing at The Boars Head Tavern in Derby, and at Ye Olde Trip to Jerusalem, est. 1067 in Nottingham. 8) We're happy to put Brit actors in accented roles. If you will concede the point that english actors can only do New York accents. (albeit very well) 9) I'm pretty sure the guy who shot JFK was an SAS agent. more to come.... I have shit to do.......8)
__________________ Strictly Palms, Inc. Orlando, Florida USA |
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23rd August 2008, 05:50 AM
| #6 |
| Bayside Tree Care Brisbane  Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Brisbane Aus
Posts: 1,649
| Re: Attention All Americans!!
Im just curious but where do you get the idea that the british have bad teeth? we have free dental care with some very good dentists. you see more pictures of americans with mouths like a bag of spanners than british. strange fallacy that one! i recon it comes from Queen Elisibeth 1st rein she was renowned to have bad teeth and didnt want people seeing them so people had to cover their eyes when talking to her, thats where the salute came from apparently. SAS secret agent thats why no one Knows who shot JFK cos we have the best special forces.;-)
__________________ My business:- Brisbane Bayside Tree Care |
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23rd August 2008, 06:05 AM
| #7 |
| Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: orlando,fl
Posts: 4,977
| Re: Attention All Americans!!
Look at Prince Charles.oh wait,thats just inbreeding. 
__________________ Have your say join us today.old schooler |
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23rd August 2008, 07:33 AM
| #8 | |
| Bayside Tree Care Brisbane Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Brisbane Aus
Posts: 1,649
| Re: Attention All Americans!! Quote:
__________________ My business:- Brisbane Bayside Tree Care | |
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23rd August 2008, 12:52 PM
| #9 |
| Semi-mature vigorous tree Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Orlando, Florida USA
Posts: 177
| Re: Attention All Americans!!
We shouldn't throw stones about government leaders being inbred.... cough... GWB... Cough....
__________________ Strictly Palms, Inc. Orlando, Florida USA |
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23rd August 2008, 03:16 PM
| #10 |
| Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: orlando,fl
Posts: 4,977
| Re: Attention All Americans!!
At least we won the revolution,and we did it without red coats too.  
__________________ Have your say join us today.old schooler |
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23rd August 2008, 10:40 PM
| #11 |
| Semi-mature vigorous tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Victoria, AUST.
Posts: 148
| Re: Attention All Americans!!
Gentlemen-Gentlemen-Gentlemen, lets not let small differences get between us over things like CRICKET & BASEBULL.(Including the "u") Cricket is a true 'Gentlemans' game and if you are a MEMBER at one of the clubs you get a much better view of proceedings. I have attached a short video that my dear friend Cyril had taken for him by his butler Jeeves at a recent game. Hope you all in the colonies see what we get out of the game.................... Get_Them_Out.wmv ps,,,Berty is home from Oxford and helped me put this on this post.........hope he knew what he was doing?  |
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23rd August 2008, 11:06 PM
| #12 | |
| Moderator Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Climbing around the world
Posts: 855
| Re: Attention All Americans!! Quote:
__________________ We are what we repeatedly do... Excellence then, is not an act, but HABIT... Red : Green : Blue | |
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24th August 2008, 02:26 AM
| #13 | |
| Part of the Furniture Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: orlando,fl
Posts: 4,977
| Re: Attention All Americans!! Quote:
__________________ Have your say join us today.old schooler | |
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25th August 2008, 07:11 AM
| #14 |
| Former Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Bakersfield, Ca
Posts: 2,512
| Re: Attention All Americans!!
Bill24, Nice video clip. I guess even you English types can figure out how to splice topless girls into a clip of an absolutely boring game to make things seem more interesting! |
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27th August 2008, 05:22 PM
| #15 |
| Semi-mature vigorous tree Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Victoria, AUST.
Posts: 148
|  Re: Attention All Americans!!
A bloody 'POME'..........is that pronounced like 'ROME'....NG.. Starve the bloody lizards mate, if your gunna have a go and call a dinky di Aussie a 'BLOODY POMMIE' then get it right., ORRIGHT!.... Can't stand cricket to be honest, most boring game invented by man..Thats the truth. I mean, stone the bloody crows mate, what the bloody hell are we coming to when we watch cricket........I'll tell ya, you'd have to be handy as a hip pocket in a flamin singlet and have nothing else to do on a hot summer day to waste your time with that waffle. Mind you, the cricket clip was OK....thats all for now, HOOROO!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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27th August 2008, 05:33 PM
| #16 |
| Monument Status  Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Townsville Nth Queensland & Gold Coast Sth Queensland
Posts: 1,985
| Re: Attention All Americans!!
I have vague recollections of watching the seeds of 20/20 cricket in Hong Kong in the late 80's on my way to Oz...Viv richards and Ian Botham et al smashing the ball out of small grounds for a lot more than beer money....funny when you can remember the beginnings of things..... I actually like cricket even test cricket-esp on the radio late at night. But each to their own. |
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27th August 2008, 06:53 PM
| #17 |
| Admin - Razor sharp and independent 2 X Diploma Level 5 qualified arborist  Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Brisbane
Posts: 12,820
| Re: Attention All Americans!!
I had a good laugh reading this.
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